Tuesday, November 26, 2013
I am back!
Well hello blogging world!
I obviously am not very good at staying committed to writing on this thing but so much has happened and changed in my life since I last posted in February 2012 that I figured it was time to pick back up with blogging. I am now married to the most wonderful man in the world and living in Nashville. God has taught me some extraordinary important lessons over the past 1.5 year and continues to do so each day. I am anxious to begin documenting these experiences and sharing them with the world.
I am soon going to be writing my reflections about the whole wedding planning process. I thought that I had learned and changed a lot during my previous tough season of my life but God has continued to mold me into a woman after his own heart. The lessons I learned during wedding planning were tough pills to swallow but I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING.
I am looking forward to blogging again and sharing my journey as a twenty-something newlywed trying to figure out this thing called life!
Blessings!
Chloe
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Part 2: From the Outside Looking in you'll never understand it; From the Inside Looking out you'll never be able to explain it.
This is part 2 of my last post. I have been thinking about what I wrote since then. I have come to realize that I think something I am going to struggle with my whole life is finding the balance of caring about someone but not letting it affect me personally. This is something I absolutely am going to have to learn if I go into the counseling field. If I ever have a family of my own, I don't want to come home and bring the burdens of my clients with me. I think I will eventually learn that balance as I have in growing in maturing but it is something I am continually going to probably struggle with concerning the people who are closest to me.
Going off of that note and my previous post, why is it that I have felt the need for so long to give my everything to making everyone else happy but completely ignoring myself-well not completely but largely. This is a quote by C.S. Lewis that came to mind today:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
I feel like this could not have been a better depiction of my heart; this is exactly how I feel about loving. I only love people who I know are "safe". It has even taken me a long time with the people I feel very safe with to fully open up about the deepest darkest wounds I possess. Since I have focused on other people so much, I have hidden my heart, hoping in the process no one would want to come along and want to see inside it. There have been a few select individuals that have come close and a small handful that have gotten there. The unfortunate part about that is that almost all of these individuals have immensely hurt, no not hurt, shattered my heart. These have not just been guys I have dated but even other people I am very close too, family included, males and females. There are days like today for instance that I struggle immensely. I feel like I am never going to be able to trust anyone enough to spend the rest of my life with them or every time I find someone who I think meets my expectations, I always end up finding something wrong. Part of me believes that I have locked up my heart so intensely and made the fence just high enough that NO ONE will ever be able to get in. I told my roommate tonight that a nunnery is looking like a really good option right now.
I am too scared to take a risk because every time I have taken a risk it always ends up being so incredibly painful and ends up being a very long healing process. The old song and adage really had been on my mind lately: "Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? ".
Growing up has it perks but at the same time, you become aware of many of these things you would have never known before. Another thought that has been on my mind this week is "It is better to have the ugly truth than a beautiful lie." I guess I need to stop, take a deep breath, and truly turn my heart over to God. I think if anything, he is having to crush me into dust in order to fully trust him.
One day at a time.
Monday, February 20, 2012
From the Outside Looking in you'll never understand it; From the Inside Looking out you'll never be able to explain it.
Have you ever felt that horrible frustration of looking at a situation from the outside and not being able to do a darn thing about it? This seems to be a continual theme in my life over the past couple of weeks. I have felt this way about an innumberable amount of relationships in my life: family, friends, my dogs, etc. It is so hard for me to watch people I care about to be in situations and watch them hurt and not be able to fix it all. I sometimes joke that I am actually a guy because I just want to fix everything. I just want everyone I care about to be happy; I don't want to see them suffer, especially when it is avoidable.
I consider myself to have a gift of being able to read people; this is a blessing and a curse. I am not sure how I came to realize I have this gift but it is the strangest thing. I can almost 9 times out of 10 pinpoint how a person will react to a situation, what the outcome will be, etc. The more times I have expeirenced this, the odder it becomes. Maybe this is why I have struggled with copdendency for so long? Because it is so easy for me to see the potentail outcome of a situation, I struggle to watch people I love make decisions that are fruitless and potentially harmful in the long run. I can't imagine what this is going to feel like IF and when I ever have children. I guess this comes back to my issues of feeling the need to be in control. If I can control everything and eliminate potential pain then it makes me happy.
On the flip side though, why do I spend all this time and energy worrying about other people when I completely let my happiness and joy to the wayside? Where is the balance? I have been asked several times over the past few years, what it is that makes me happy and I honestly don't know. I really and truly do not have a single clue. I know there are a few things that make me feel good every now and again, but true happiness???.....What does it mean to even be truly happy?
I know this is a somewhat depressing post, but the things I have been dealing with over the past few weeks are things I NEVER thought I would have to encounter in my entire life, thus my major predicament with dealing with all these situaitons.
Sigh.....To be continued
I consider myself to have a gift of being able to read people; this is a blessing and a curse. I am not sure how I came to realize I have this gift but it is the strangest thing. I can almost 9 times out of 10 pinpoint how a person will react to a situation, what the outcome will be, etc. The more times I have expeirenced this, the odder it becomes. Maybe this is why I have struggled with copdendency for so long? Because it is so easy for me to see the potentail outcome of a situation, I struggle to watch people I love make decisions that are fruitless and potentially harmful in the long run. I can't imagine what this is going to feel like IF and when I ever have children. I guess this comes back to my issues of feeling the need to be in control. If I can control everything and eliminate potential pain then it makes me happy.
On the flip side though, why do I spend all this time and energy worrying about other people when I completely let my happiness and joy to the wayside? Where is the balance? I have been asked several times over the past few years, what it is that makes me happy and I honestly don't know. I really and truly do not have a single clue. I know there are a few things that make me feel good every now and again, but true happiness???.....What does it mean to even be truly happy?
I know this is a somewhat depressing post, but the things I have been dealing with over the past few weeks are things I NEVER thought I would have to encounter in my entire life, thus my major predicament with dealing with all these situaitons.
Sigh.....To be continued
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
2012-It can only go up from here
Hello World!
I am back! I apologize for taking such a long absence, however, life has still been a little bit crazy. I have had a lot of changes in my life since October. Let's see here, where to begin....
As mentioned in my previous post in October, I moved back home and things were not going well. Things continued to only get worse, I felt like I was trapped in a living nightmare. I was extremely blessed to visit Colorado for Thanksgiving with one of my nearest and dearest friends, Porsche, and some of our other Zeta sisters. I absolutely will never be able to describe how wonderful that Thanksgiving was and how much it meant to me for her family to open their home and welcome us all in. My made some really great memories, we laughed, we cried, but overall it was the trip of a lifetime! There will be a few photos at the bottom of this post.
Shortly after I wrote my last post in October and before Thanksgiving, my counselor was strongly suggesting to me that I find a way to move out. My mental health was being so adversely affected that it was imperative that it happened, unfortunately, that meant giving up my Fraternity and Sorority Life job in order to pursue something full time. I went into my boss's office and once again cried and cried. I am so thankful God placed her in my life when he did; she was so beyond understanding and worked with me to try and make my situation better. She suggested I contact a former boss of mine in another department on campus for any possible leads. Sure enough, God was watching over and he provided. There was a full time interim position as an Admissions Coordinator at MTSU. This was a job I had actually applied for right before I graduated so I was very excited about the opportunity.
Funnily enough, prior to finding out about the interim position, the hospital called me and offered me my job back. The day I was scheduled to meet with my old boss, I was granted the opportunity pursue the interim position. I pushed back the meeting with my old boss at the hospital. I went and met with my old boss, discussed holiday schedules, and all that was left to do was sign the paperwork. I had decided that I needed the job stability and that it was too risky to go for the interim position because I would still have to apply for the permanent position and go through all the proper protocol. The day I had to make this decision, I ran into my old boss and was discussing my concerns with her. After our conversation I completely changed my mind. I felt like God was telling me to take a leap of faith and to go for the Admissions job.
This all took place a few weeks before Thanksgiving; had I taken the hospital job I would not have been able to go to Colorado. I went home that night and bought my plane ticket. Things were starting to look up! Two days after I returned from Colorado, one of my friends out of the blue texted me and asked if I was still living at home. I replied in the affirmative and he then told me he was looking to move at the beginning of the year and wanted to know if I would be interested in living with him. I was so floored; once again, God provides as he promises he will. We began the search and it was a frustrating process trying to find somewhere that would fit our budgets and other parameters. I had been praying and praying for the right place but nothing had seemed to be the right place. One day while visiting Porsche, I noticed that one of the town houses a few doors down had a "For Lease" sign and I actually knew one of the current tenets. As soon as I saw this place, I knew it was "The One", ha yes I know sounds very corny! We got everything worked out and we moved in Martin Luther King weekend.
If you had told me a couple of months ago that I would be living with a guy in a town house, I would have laughed in your face. It is so funny to me that I am dumb enough to worry as much as I do. My sweet friend Porsche has always reminded me that God has always provided for me and never let me down. When the thought of moving back out and working full time first came about, I was overcome with anxiety, I did not think it was possible, I could not foresee how it would happen. Well Ladies and Gents, I am now working full time and should know any day now whether or not I will be permanent. Things have been favorable thus far, so hoping to be kept on staff. I am now moved out and completely broke, but I am so much happier. I actually look forward to coming home and don't find excuses to stay away. My roommate and I are extremely compatible, it is actually very scary how similar we are (For future reference, he will be referred to as JMK). I also love being so close to Porsche and I am able to walk to and from work. God is Good, what else can I say.
The title of this blog is 2012-It can only go up from here. I chose this title because this has been my mantra since January 1. I am doing a daily photo challenge and that is the name of my album. Yes there are still hard days and times ahead, but I have a renewed and strengthened faith and outlook. Things will be better, no doubt about it.
Here is my theme verse for the year:
1 Peter 1:6-7.
I am back! I apologize for taking such a long absence, however, life has still been a little bit crazy. I have had a lot of changes in my life since October. Let's see here, where to begin....
As mentioned in my previous post in October, I moved back home and things were not going well. Things continued to only get worse, I felt like I was trapped in a living nightmare. I was extremely blessed to visit Colorado for Thanksgiving with one of my nearest and dearest friends, Porsche, and some of our other Zeta sisters. I absolutely will never be able to describe how wonderful that Thanksgiving was and how much it meant to me for her family to open their home and welcome us all in. My made some really great memories, we laughed, we cried, but overall it was the trip of a lifetime! There will be a few photos at the bottom of this post.
Shortly after I wrote my last post in October and before Thanksgiving, my counselor was strongly suggesting to me that I find a way to move out. My mental health was being so adversely affected that it was imperative that it happened, unfortunately, that meant giving up my Fraternity and Sorority Life job in order to pursue something full time. I went into my boss's office and once again cried and cried. I am so thankful God placed her in my life when he did; she was so beyond understanding and worked with me to try and make my situation better. She suggested I contact a former boss of mine in another department on campus for any possible leads. Sure enough, God was watching over and he provided. There was a full time interim position as an Admissions Coordinator at MTSU. This was a job I had actually applied for right before I graduated so I was very excited about the opportunity.
Funnily enough, prior to finding out about the interim position, the hospital called me and offered me my job back. The day I was scheduled to meet with my old boss, I was granted the opportunity pursue the interim position. I pushed back the meeting with my old boss at the hospital. I went and met with my old boss, discussed holiday schedules, and all that was left to do was sign the paperwork. I had decided that I needed the job stability and that it was too risky to go for the interim position because I would still have to apply for the permanent position and go through all the proper protocol. The day I had to make this decision, I ran into my old boss and was discussing my concerns with her. After our conversation I completely changed my mind. I felt like God was telling me to take a leap of faith and to go for the Admissions job.
This all took place a few weeks before Thanksgiving; had I taken the hospital job I would not have been able to go to Colorado. I went home that night and bought my plane ticket. Things were starting to look up! Two days after I returned from Colorado, one of my friends out of the blue texted me and asked if I was still living at home. I replied in the affirmative and he then told me he was looking to move at the beginning of the year and wanted to know if I would be interested in living with him. I was so floored; once again, God provides as he promises he will. We began the search and it was a frustrating process trying to find somewhere that would fit our budgets and other parameters. I had been praying and praying for the right place but nothing had seemed to be the right place. One day while visiting Porsche, I noticed that one of the town houses a few doors down had a "For Lease" sign and I actually knew one of the current tenets. As soon as I saw this place, I knew it was "The One", ha yes I know sounds very corny! We got everything worked out and we moved in Martin Luther King weekend.
If you had told me a couple of months ago that I would be living with a guy in a town house, I would have laughed in your face. It is so funny to me that I am dumb enough to worry as much as I do. My sweet friend Porsche has always reminded me that God has always provided for me and never let me down. When the thought of moving back out and working full time first came about, I was overcome with anxiety, I did not think it was possible, I could not foresee how it would happen. Well Ladies and Gents, I am now working full time and should know any day now whether or not I will be permanent. Things have been favorable thus far, so hoping to be kept on staff. I am now moved out and completely broke, but I am so much happier. I actually look forward to coming home and don't find excuses to stay away. My roommate and I are extremely compatible, it is actually very scary how similar we are (For future reference, he will be referred to as JMK). I also love being so close to Porsche and I am able to walk to and from work. God is Good, what else can I say.
The title of this blog is 2012-It can only go up from here. I chose this title because this has been my mantra since January 1. I am doing a daily photo challenge and that is the name of my album. Yes there are still hard days and times ahead, but I have a renewed and strengthened faith and outlook. Things will be better, no doubt about it.
Here is my theme verse for the year:
1 Peter 1:6-7.
6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
In His Grace,
Chloe
This was one of the most ridiculous, crazy, memorable, will be talking about this when I am 80, nights of life!
This was the day we went home from Colorado. Yes this was ALL ours!!!!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Changing Seasons
Hello Blogging World!
I cannot believe it has been two months since I updated! The last two months have been a very difficult change to say the least. I moved home at the end of August and well it has been one extremely hard transition. I don't think one can ever be mentally prepared enough to move back home after having been on their own for over four years. It is definitely a better situation for me financially but mentally and emotionally it has been absolutely wretched.
The majority of September was very busy week for me at MTSU. I worked full time hours for several of the weeks due to recruitment, back to school activities and my boss being out of town for and extended period of time. Things are starting to slow down. I had free time this evening and afternoon for the first time in what seemed like forever; however this isn't entirely true. This has been one of the first days in MONTHS that I haven't wanted to lock myself in my room and hide from the world. Like I said, this transition home really has taken a toll on me and I am just now starting to come out of this valley I have been in for the past two months.
This has definitely been one of the worst depression episodes I have ever encountered. I must admit after moving home I began to be angry with God. I confess that I haven't been to church in about the past two months as well. If you have read any of my previous posts you know that the past year has been quite the tumultuous year to put it simply. I think my snapping point in my faith happened one day when I was having car problems. I have had a vast amount of car problems in the past six months that have totalled thousands of dollars in repairs. I had gone to pick up my car after having something else fixed and I started driving home and it felt like I had a flat tire. I turned around and took it right back to the shop (turns out they had not put the tire back on all the way-super scary). I called my mom to come right back to get me. By the time we got home I was in tears. The tears started and just wouldn't seem to stop. Now I have cried a lot over the past year but normally I cry for about ten minutes and I am over whatever had made me upset. This particular time though I seemed to be totally out of control, I cried for probably an hour and a half.
I have not given up on God and I know he hasn't given up on me but I think that I just came to a point where I felt like I had been pouring myself into my faith for so long and it felt like I was praying to a brick wall-things just always seemed to go from bad to worse to even worse to horrific. I think I just decided somewhere in my heart God and I were in a Mexican stand off-I felt like he wasn't listening to me therefore I wasn't going to listen to him or speak to him. I know deep down that this is just Satan trying to pry me loose from my faith but it is something I have never experienced in my faith walk before either. It is so hard to describe because I want to be strong in my faith again but I am so resentful of all the things that have happened to me that it is keeping me from God. I know I need to let go, leave the past in the past, and look to the future and trust God. I received a beautiful flower arrangement from an anonymous person and they instructed me to read 1 Peter 1:6-7.
I have read this verse before but it really hit me like a ton of bricks and feel guilty for trying to run from God. I really want to strengthen my walk with Christ and be in a place of total surrender and trust. I feel like the woman who was begging for a drink at the well, I long and thirst to be close with Christ again.
Well I think that is enough for one post. I am starting to feel hopeful for the first time in a really long time and am praying that with this change in the seasons so will come a season of change in my life. I really want to end this year on a strong note and end it praising God more than ever before. If you are struggling with anything in your life right now, I really want to encourage you to just keep hanging in there and know that God is still there even in the darkest and worst of storms, just keep your eyes focused on the cross. Who else will know your pain more than Christ himself?
I cannot believe it has been two months since I updated! The last two months have been a very difficult change to say the least. I moved home at the end of August and well it has been one extremely hard transition. I don't think one can ever be mentally prepared enough to move back home after having been on their own for over four years. It is definitely a better situation for me financially but mentally and emotionally it has been absolutely wretched.
The majority of September was very busy week for me at MTSU. I worked full time hours for several of the weeks due to recruitment, back to school activities and my boss being out of town for and extended period of time. Things are starting to slow down. I had free time this evening and afternoon for the first time in what seemed like forever; however this isn't entirely true. This has been one of the first days in MONTHS that I haven't wanted to lock myself in my room and hide from the world. Like I said, this transition home really has taken a toll on me and I am just now starting to come out of this valley I have been in for the past two months.
This has definitely been one of the worst depression episodes I have ever encountered. I must admit after moving home I began to be angry with God. I confess that I haven't been to church in about the past two months as well. If you have read any of my previous posts you know that the past year has been quite the tumultuous year to put it simply. I think my snapping point in my faith happened one day when I was having car problems. I have had a vast amount of car problems in the past six months that have totalled thousands of dollars in repairs. I had gone to pick up my car after having something else fixed and I started driving home and it felt like I had a flat tire. I turned around and took it right back to the shop (turns out they had not put the tire back on all the way-super scary). I called my mom to come right back to get me. By the time we got home I was in tears. The tears started and just wouldn't seem to stop. Now I have cried a lot over the past year but normally I cry for about ten minutes and I am over whatever had made me upset. This particular time though I seemed to be totally out of control, I cried for probably an hour and a half.
I have not given up on God and I know he hasn't given up on me but I think that I just came to a point where I felt like I had been pouring myself into my faith for so long and it felt like I was praying to a brick wall-things just always seemed to go from bad to worse to even worse to horrific. I think I just decided somewhere in my heart God and I were in a Mexican stand off-I felt like he wasn't listening to me therefore I wasn't going to listen to him or speak to him. I know deep down that this is just Satan trying to pry me loose from my faith but it is something I have never experienced in my faith walk before either. It is so hard to describe because I want to be strong in my faith again but I am so resentful of all the things that have happened to me that it is keeping me from God. I know I need to let go, leave the past in the past, and look to the future and trust God. I received a beautiful flower arrangement from an anonymous person and they instructed me to read 1 Peter 1:6-7.
6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
Well I think that is enough for one post. I am starting to feel hopeful for the first time in a really long time and am praying that with this change in the seasons so will come a season of change in my life. I really want to end this year on a strong note and end it praising God more than ever before. If you are struggling with anything in your life right now, I really want to encourage you to just keep hanging in there and know that God is still there even in the darkest and worst of storms, just keep your eyes focused on the cross. Who else will know your pain more than Christ himself?
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Reflections of 22
This is the continuation of “Finding My Missing Piece”.
I can’t believe that I am now 23 and that another year has gone by. It seriously feels like just a few weeks ago that I was celebrating my 22nd birthday. I also still have a hard time fathoming everything that has taken place in my life since my birthday last year. I think I posted a little bit of a recap in one of my previous posts. Someone recently told me that I will look back on this season of my life and wonder how in the world I ever made it through. I have one answer: my God, my savior, my faith. Without my relationship with Christ, I really don’t know that I would have been able to be as resilient as I have been through this whole season. My walk hasn’t always been close throughout this whole season but God NEVER let me go, not once.
I know that there is still a long trek ahead of me but the light is beginning to appear at the end of the tunnel. I am moving home this week which will be a drastic change but I believe wholeheartedly that God wants me there. I also am starting my new job this week with VIP Murfreesboro Magazine. My parents’ divorce should also be final any day now- I am stunned at how quickly it has proceeded, but it is actually a huge blessing; we will all now be able to move forward with our lives. Let me tell you, I am beyond terrified of all these changes, but I know that God is faithful and that if I pour my heart into him he will be faithful in return. Yes life won’t be as easy as it has been in the past, but we are not called to live an easy life all the time. This is a season of healing, hard work, perseverance, and most importantly, trusting God fully.
I seriously cannot thank all of those enough who have been so supportive, loving, and encouraging during this season. I look forward to being able to do the same for all of those people in the future. I for once at am a loss of words of what else to say. I guess if I had to sum up everything I have learned/am learning and offer advice to anyone going through a seriously difficult season, I would say that at the end of the day all that matters is that you have your salvation. I remember when I first began college, I said that I wanted to be in a place in my life that if all that I had was the clothes on my back and my salvation that I would be content. Let me tell you, if you truly seek something that is going to bring God glory then it is going to happen. I am thankful I have more than the clothes on my back; however, I do in a certain sense that right now all I do have left is my salvation. Is it easy- No, Am I thankful for what I have learned through it all, YES.
I am looking forward to 23 and what God will be doing in my life for the next year. I truly want to keep my heart totally poured into him.
I will end this post with a prayer.
Most Gracious and Heavenly Father,
There are no words to express what is in my heart right now and thankful I am that you never let go. Lord I would be nothing without you. I pray that as I begin 23 you lay heavy on my heart the desire to pour myself fully into you. I ask for an unquenchable thirst for your word. I ask for continued contentment. I pray for discernment in all decision making and that everything I say and do will be a reflection of your Love, Mercy, and Grace. Lord I pray that you prepare my heart to be in a relationship with my future husband; prepare his as well and make him into the man that is a reflection of you. I ask for healing for my family and that they will come closer to you. I pray that my heart will earnestly beat for nothing but YOU. Thank You Lord, Thank You, Thank You.
In your son’s most precious holy name, Jesus.
Amen
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Finding My Missing Piece
Wow where to even begin this post escapes me! Since I have last posted there are a lot of things that have happened. I will do my best to capture it all.
I just spent the weekend with about 130 7th-12th graders at an event called "Disciple Now". This is a long standing tradition in our youth group. It is a weekend devoted to learning what it means to become a true follower of Christ. I can remember going to my very first disciple now as a 7th grader 11 years ago. It feels like it was just yesterday! I served as a counselor and got to work with a group of 8th graders. I feel like I took as much from the weekend as the youth did. I was excited about going to this event, because as noted in my last post, I was feeling empty and weathered. I was immensely looking forward to being able to be around the body of Christ for an entire weekend. I was also very blessed to be in a host home with a wonderful couple from my church who I believe have a very Godly marriage and are wonderful leaders in the youth group. The theme verse for this weekend was Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
On Friday night the title of the message was "Do Not Conform". If you looked at my life from the outside you would think I was a "Good Girl". Yes I have made my mistakes and sinned in ways that I am very ashamed of, but I have asked for forgiveness and no longer live in those patterns of sin. I have always been the "Good Girl", so I conforming to the patterns of this world didn't seem like it was that big of an issue for me. Ha, boy was I wrong. I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I felt like I was missing something about this whole season of my life that I am in. I know that God is trying to teach me something but I wasn't exactly sure what that is. Well Ladies and Gentlemen, I now believe I have my answer.
A dear Christian mentor of mine and former high school Sunday school teacher of mine was delivering this message on Friday night. He mentioned right in the beginning that there are three things that the Enemy (Satan) will use to get you: Passions, Possessions, and Positions. BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks and so many light bulbs went off in my head that it would have looked like Times Square. That was my missing piece. He went on to say that 1 Peter 5:8 says that "Satan is prowling like a lion".
Somewhere in my life within the past 2-3 years my walk with Christ began to wind down a crooked path. A path where my house, my clothes, my accolades, my school work, dating, the burdens of family problems, work, and everything in between became my God. My passions, possessions, and positions had overtaken my heart. Satan had been prowling around me like the lion, only he didn't devour me all at once but a little bit at a time. You see, I poured my heart and soul into everything except my relationship with Christ. Yes I was still a Christian and went to church and tried to live my life as a Christian should, but I only truly fit God in where is was convenient. I had distorted what the sermon the next evening would focus on, which was God's truth. I had made my own truth and made it to fit my plans and what I thought was good and right for me.
It all makes sense now. I believe that this season in my life is to break me from this life I have been living. You see, I have been living in a life of sin and didn't even realize it. My whole heart was not surrendered to God but to all of these other things and now that they have been all taken from me, I was left feeling empty because I had poured my whole heart into all these other things instead of my relationship with Christ. I know, deep right?
I am still sorting out some of this and making sense of what it all means and what's next. I know that I absolutely have to change my lifestyle and my walk.
To be continued...
I just spent the weekend with about 130 7th-12th graders at an event called "Disciple Now". This is a long standing tradition in our youth group. It is a weekend devoted to learning what it means to become a true follower of Christ. I can remember going to my very first disciple now as a 7th grader 11 years ago. It feels like it was just yesterday! I served as a counselor and got to work with a group of 8th graders. I feel like I took as much from the weekend as the youth did. I was excited about going to this event, because as noted in my last post, I was feeling empty and weathered. I was immensely looking forward to being able to be around the body of Christ for an entire weekend. I was also very blessed to be in a host home with a wonderful couple from my church who I believe have a very Godly marriage and are wonderful leaders in the youth group. The theme verse for this weekend was Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
On Friday night the title of the message was "Do Not Conform". If you looked at my life from the outside you would think I was a "Good Girl". Yes I have made my mistakes and sinned in ways that I am very ashamed of, but I have asked for forgiveness and no longer live in those patterns of sin. I have always been the "Good Girl", so I conforming to the patterns of this world didn't seem like it was that big of an issue for me. Ha, boy was I wrong. I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I felt like I was missing something about this whole season of my life that I am in. I know that God is trying to teach me something but I wasn't exactly sure what that is. Well Ladies and Gentlemen, I now believe I have my answer.
A dear Christian mentor of mine and former high school Sunday school teacher of mine was delivering this message on Friday night. He mentioned right in the beginning that there are three things that the Enemy (Satan) will use to get you: Passions, Possessions, and Positions. BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks and so many light bulbs went off in my head that it would have looked like Times Square. That was my missing piece. He went on to say that 1 Peter 5:8 says that "Satan is prowling like a lion".
Somewhere in my life within the past 2-3 years my walk with Christ began to wind down a crooked path. A path where my house, my clothes, my accolades, my school work, dating, the burdens of family problems, work, and everything in between became my God. My passions, possessions, and positions had overtaken my heart. Satan had been prowling around me like the lion, only he didn't devour me all at once but a little bit at a time. You see, I poured my heart and soul into everything except my relationship with Christ. Yes I was still a Christian and went to church and tried to live my life as a Christian should, but I only truly fit God in where is was convenient. I had distorted what the sermon the next evening would focus on, which was God's truth. I had made my own truth and made it to fit my plans and what I thought was good and right for me.
It all makes sense now. I believe that this season in my life is to break me from this life I have been living. You see, I have been living in a life of sin and didn't even realize it. My whole heart was not surrendered to God but to all of these other things and now that they have been all taken from me, I was left feeling empty because I had poured my whole heart into all these other things instead of my relationship with Christ. I know, deep right?
I am still sorting out some of this and making sense of what it all means and what's next. I know that I absolutely have to change my lifestyle and my walk.
To be continued...
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