Changing Seasons

Hello Blogging World!

I cannot believe it has been two months since I updated! The last two months have been a very difficult change to say the least. I moved home at the end of August and well it has been one extremely hard transition. I don't think one can ever be mentally prepared enough to move back home after having been on their own for over four years. It is definitely a better situation for me financially but mentally and emotionally it has been absolutely wretched.

The majority of September was very busy week for me at MTSU. I worked full time hours for several of the weeks due to recruitment, back to school activities and my boss being out of town for and extended period of time. Things are starting to slow down. I had free time this evening and afternoon for the first time in what seemed like forever; however this isn't entirely true. This has been one of the first days in MONTHS that I haven't wanted to lock myself in my room and hide from the world. Like I said, this transition home really has taken a toll on me and I am just now starting to come out of this valley I have been in for the past two months.

This has definitely been one of the worst depression episodes I have ever encountered. I must admit after moving home I began to be angry with God. I confess that I haven't been to church in about the past two months as well. If you have read any of my previous posts you know that the past year has been quite the tumultuous year to put it simply. I think my snapping point in my faith happened one day when I was having car problems. I have had a vast amount of car problems in the past six months that have totalled thousands of dollars in repairs. I had gone to pick up my car after having something else fixed and I started driving home and it felt like I had a flat tire. I turned around and took it right back to the shop (turns out they had not put the tire back on all the way-super scary). I called my mom to come right back to get me. By the time we got home I was in tears. The tears started and just wouldn't seem to stop. Now I have cried a lot over the past year but normally I cry for about ten minutes and I am over whatever had made me upset. This particular time though I seemed to be totally out of control, I cried for probably an hour and a half. 

I have not given up on God and I know he hasn't given up on me but I think that I just came to a point where I felt like I had been pouring myself into my faith for so long and it felt like I was praying to a brick wall-things just always seemed to go from bad to worse to even worse to horrific. I think I just decided somewhere in my heart God and I were in a Mexican stand off-I felt like he wasn't listening to me therefore I wasn't going to listen to him or speak to him. I know deep down that this is just Satan trying to pry me loose from my faith but it is something I have never experienced in my faith walk before either. It is so hard to describe because I want to be strong in my faith again but I am so resentful of all the things that have happened to me that it is keeping me from God. I know I need to let go, leave the past in the past, and look to the future and trust God. I received a beautiful flower arrangement from an anonymous person and they instructed me to read 1 Peter 1:6-7.

⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

I have read this verse before but it really hit me like a ton of bricks and feel guilty for trying to run from God. I really want to strengthen my walk with Christ and be in a place of total surrender and trust. I feel like the woman who was begging for a drink at the well, I long and thirst to be close with Christ again.



Well I think that is enough for one post. I am starting to feel hopeful for the first time in a really long time and am praying that with this change in the seasons so will come a season of change in my life. I really want to end this year on a strong note and end it praising God more than ever before. If you are struggling with anything in your life right now, I really want to encourage you to just keep hanging in there and know that God is still there even in the darkest and worst of storms, just keep your eyes focused on the cross. Who else will know your pain more than Christ himself?