- For my Dad to finish moving all his things out of the house and get settled in his condo.
- My Dad and I to establish a relationship again.
- My mom to be happy and not stressed.
- My sister to be happy.
- A full time job.
- To find tennents for my house.
- To have all the cleaning, painting, repairs etc. finished in my house.
- To lose the extra weight I have gained.
- A certain someone to be part of my life again.
- A vacation to the beach
- To walk closely to God again and find meaning in all these trials.
- To be able to wake up and say "Life is Good" just because it is.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
My Birthday Wish List:
My Birthday Wish List:
Friday, July 29, 2011
Giving Thanks in the Smallest of Things
Well I figured it is about time for me to update since it has been a good few days. I am so beyond thrilled to see that my audience is growing! I am not sure what God has planned in for me in writing this blog but I know that he is working through it in some shape or form.
The biggest update I have is that I have made the difficult decision to move home. The goal is to be out by August 31st. I know that seems like a while a way but there is a growing list of things that have to be done around the house in order to get it rented, plus I still need to find tenants. I feel oddly at peace about the decision. It is only temporary but I feel like it is where I am supposed to be. Lately I have been struggling in a way in which I have never struggled before. I have wanted to "stick my head in the sand" and just pretend that everything that is happening in my life isn't. There is a fine line to walk when you are experiencing hard times, that is walking the line of knowing that everything is going to be OK versus pretending your present life situations don't exist. I still can't believe all these different things have happened in less than a year, it still blows my mind, feels like it has been going on for years.
Besides moving, life has been pretty settle surprisingly. I have found myself with time on my hands which is quite the oddity for me. I have still been really tired and sleeping a lot as well. I have been having a variety of medical tests done to make sure I do not have any other problems affecting my mood. I had a stress test done for my heart and that all came back good, which was good news. I had a sleep study done, which was quite an interesting experience to say the least. I haven't received the results from that yet, but I will have them next week thankfully. I am very anxious to get the results.
I went to see my psychiatrist today. I have been frustrated with the most recent medication I have been on because it has caused a significant amount of weight gain. Looking at me you probably can't tell, but a lot of my clothes are uncomfortable and do not fit properly. Well with that being said, he took me off that one and now I am on medication #5 and increasing my sleeping medication. If you have never suffered from anxiety and/or depression let me tell you, finding the right medication is one of the most frustrating things in the entire world. It is a miserable feeling, to feel like you aren't in control of your emotions and yourself. It is so frustrating to feel happy one minute and then so down the next when nothing has changed. I have officially been taking medicine for over a year now. I asked my doctor today if was normal to have to have tried so many different medications in such a long time period and he said it is all about trial and error. I also again have to be reminded that I have had A LOT happen to me in a short 9 months.
I hope and pray more than anything that this latest adjustment on my medication will help me to stabilize. It is hard to move forward with coping with everything else when I do not even feel stable in my own body and mind. It is such a wretched illness. I do not wish it upon anyone. It is like someone has a remote control to my brain and just is constantly playing with the channels, volume, contrast, brightness, etc. and I am just the machine, subject to whatever the remote control tells me to do. What I would give to wake up one day and just be happy and joyful just because...Seriously I never knew how precious some things in life really are.
I am still struggling to see what God is teaching me through this whole season in my life and also what he is doing to work through me right now. I will confess, I am tired, my faith feels dry and God feels distant. I know that I haven't been doing my part to feel close to him. I still love God more than anything in this world but I guess because I have always given 110% to everything else in my life I feel like this aspect should be easy--that's the wrong mindset though. No one ever said being a Christian would be easy. I should be giving my all, 125 % to my walk with Christ and not just the leftovers...hmmm I may have just counseled through this whole predicament I am in.
Right now I am just tired and empty, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I wish more than anything in this world a chauffeur would show up at my door and say "I am here to take you on a private jet to the beach". I feel like a need time and space away from everything and everyone to clear my heart and my head and get totally refocused. I know that this isn't going to happen any time soon though so I will have to do my best to do those things here. God wants me here where I am for a reason and he is with me no matter where I am, he is just waiting for me to reach out to him.
Thank you Jesus!
The biggest update I have is that I have made the difficult decision to move home. The goal is to be out by August 31st. I know that seems like a while a way but there is a growing list of things that have to be done around the house in order to get it rented, plus I still need to find tenants. I feel oddly at peace about the decision. It is only temporary but I feel like it is where I am supposed to be. Lately I have been struggling in a way in which I have never struggled before. I have wanted to "stick my head in the sand" and just pretend that everything that is happening in my life isn't. There is a fine line to walk when you are experiencing hard times, that is walking the line of knowing that everything is going to be OK versus pretending your present life situations don't exist. I still can't believe all these different things have happened in less than a year, it still blows my mind, feels like it has been going on for years.
Besides moving, life has been pretty settle surprisingly. I have found myself with time on my hands which is quite the oddity for me. I have still been really tired and sleeping a lot as well. I have been having a variety of medical tests done to make sure I do not have any other problems affecting my mood. I had a stress test done for my heart and that all came back good, which was good news. I had a sleep study done, which was quite an interesting experience to say the least. I haven't received the results from that yet, but I will have them next week thankfully. I am very anxious to get the results.
I went to see my psychiatrist today. I have been frustrated with the most recent medication I have been on because it has caused a significant amount of weight gain. Looking at me you probably can't tell, but a lot of my clothes are uncomfortable and do not fit properly. Well with that being said, he took me off that one and now I am on medication #5 and increasing my sleeping medication. If you have never suffered from anxiety and/or depression let me tell you, finding the right medication is one of the most frustrating things in the entire world. It is a miserable feeling, to feel like you aren't in control of your emotions and yourself. It is so frustrating to feel happy one minute and then so down the next when nothing has changed. I have officially been taking medicine for over a year now. I asked my doctor today if was normal to have to have tried so many different medications in such a long time period and he said it is all about trial and error. I also again have to be reminded that I have had A LOT happen to me in a short 9 months.
I hope and pray more than anything that this latest adjustment on my medication will help me to stabilize. It is hard to move forward with coping with everything else when I do not even feel stable in my own body and mind. It is such a wretched illness. I do not wish it upon anyone. It is like someone has a remote control to my brain and just is constantly playing with the channels, volume, contrast, brightness, etc. and I am just the machine, subject to whatever the remote control tells me to do. What I would give to wake up one day and just be happy and joyful just because...Seriously I never knew how precious some things in life really are.
I am still struggling to see what God is teaching me through this whole season in my life and also what he is doing to work through me right now. I will confess, I am tired, my faith feels dry and God feels distant. I know that I haven't been doing my part to feel close to him. I still love God more than anything in this world but I guess because I have always given 110% to everything else in my life I feel like this aspect should be easy--that's the wrong mindset though. No one ever said being a Christian would be easy. I should be giving my all, 125 % to my walk with Christ and not just the leftovers...hmmm I may have just counseled through this whole predicament I am in.
Right now I am just tired and empty, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I wish more than anything in this world a chauffeur would show up at my door and say "I am here to take you on a private jet to the beach". I feel like a need time and space away from everything and everyone to clear my heart and my head and get totally refocused. I know that this isn't going to happen any time soon though so I will have to do my best to do those things here. God wants me here where I am for a reason and he is with me no matter where I am, he is just waiting for me to reach out to him.
Thank you Jesus!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Just call me Job
Hello Readers! I am so thrilled I actually say that now!!!! I hope you all have been surviving this wretched heat and finding a way to enjoy the summer!
This week has been a very busy and intense one for me. I had a variety of medical appointments (as is becoming very typical) as well as other things to do and people to see. I have very much enjoyed a quiet and stress free weekend spent mostly at home resting, still haven't totally defeated the the mono.
This week I have delved deeply into the book of Job. I knew a little bit about this story but had never studied it deeply. As of right now I am only about half way through the whole book but it is very intriguing to say the least. God allows everything to be taken from Job because he knows that Job will maintain his faith despite losing everything. What it is interesting to me about this story is that Job is not happy about his situation in the beginning. He doesn't curse God, but he whines and complains and "walllows in his sorrows". One thing that touched me the most about this story is that some of his friends come to visit Job while he is ill and encourage him and lift him up. I was touched by this because God still works the same way today; he especially has used my friends during this season of my life to be there for me and lift me up in my times of hardship right now. I am looking forward to seeing how else God uses Job's friends!
I relate to this story because I feel like I have almost everything taken from me. In accordance with studying this story, I had yet another things taken from me this week. I had to make the very tough decision to give up my MTSU job. At one time I was given the hope that I may be able to keep the job without having to move into the Greek Row facility but that did not work out. I am now facing the real possibility of having to move home now. It still is slowly sinking in but I have found peace in the choice that I made.
Though I haven't finished the story of Job yet to see what he learns from his brokenness, I am slowly but surely starting to see what I believe God is teaching me through my brokenness. One of things I know for sure he is teaching me is 100% complete and total trust in him. I am a very stubborn person so I think it is taking extra brokenness to try and get this through to me. I used to have such an incredible trust in God and that was unquenchable. I think somewhere along the way during college I began to become more reliant on my own accomplishments, finances, and earthly possessions. I somehow let these things define me and bring me happiness and peace. While I am not a wealthy person by any means, I have laid up my treasures in my earthly things rather than in heaven and in my relationship with Christ. As a result, I have learned to put all my trust in my "things" and my finances rather than seeking Christ first in everything. I do love Christ more than anything in this world, but if I don't give him my full heart, even if holding back the smallest part, I am not trusting him fully.
I know I have a long way to go on this Journey and there is still a lot of healing but I know that I have to learn to give back to God my whole entire heart. I know that there are parts that I have hidden from God that are damaged, broken, and feel to me irreparable. I know that my Savior is the great physician and capable of bringing me the healing I am seeking if I just let him have those parts of my heart.
I think that is about all I have for this evening. I am very tired from an intense workout followed by some ridiculous lawn mowing. Thank you for all your prayers, love, and support.
This week has been a very busy and intense one for me. I had a variety of medical appointments (as is becoming very typical) as well as other things to do and people to see. I have very much enjoyed a quiet and stress free weekend spent mostly at home resting, still haven't totally defeated the the mono.
This week I have delved deeply into the book of Job. I knew a little bit about this story but had never studied it deeply. As of right now I am only about half way through the whole book but it is very intriguing to say the least. God allows everything to be taken from Job because he knows that Job will maintain his faith despite losing everything. What it is interesting to me about this story is that Job is not happy about his situation in the beginning. He doesn't curse God, but he whines and complains and "walllows in his sorrows". One thing that touched me the most about this story is that some of his friends come to visit Job while he is ill and encourage him and lift him up. I was touched by this because God still works the same way today; he especially has used my friends during this season of my life to be there for me and lift me up in my times of hardship right now. I am looking forward to seeing how else God uses Job's friends!
I relate to this story because I feel like I have almost everything taken from me. In accordance with studying this story, I had yet another things taken from me this week. I had to make the very tough decision to give up my MTSU job. At one time I was given the hope that I may be able to keep the job without having to move into the Greek Row facility but that did not work out. I am now facing the real possibility of having to move home now. It still is slowly sinking in but I have found peace in the choice that I made.
Though I haven't finished the story of Job yet to see what he learns from his brokenness, I am slowly but surely starting to see what I believe God is teaching me through my brokenness. One of things I know for sure he is teaching me is 100% complete and total trust in him. I am a very stubborn person so I think it is taking extra brokenness to try and get this through to me. I used to have such an incredible trust in God and that was unquenchable. I think somewhere along the way during college I began to become more reliant on my own accomplishments, finances, and earthly possessions. I somehow let these things define me and bring me happiness and peace. While I am not a wealthy person by any means, I have laid up my treasures in my earthly things rather than in heaven and in my relationship with Christ. As a result, I have learned to put all my trust in my "things" and my finances rather than seeking Christ first in everything. I do love Christ more than anything in this world, but if I don't give him my full heart, even if holding back the smallest part, I am not trusting him fully.
I know I have a long way to go on this Journey and there is still a lot of healing but I know that I have to learn to give back to God my whole entire heart. I know that there are parts that I have hidden from God that are damaged, broken, and feel to me irreparable. I know that my Savior is the great physician and capable of bringing me the healing I am seeking if I just let him have those parts of my heart.
I think that is about all I have for this evening. I am very tired from an intense workout followed by some ridiculous lawn mowing. Thank you for all your prayers, love, and support.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Missing Piece
Many people, Christian and non Christian are familiar with the story of Job. This story has been heavy on my heart lately as I can't help but think I am living a modern day life of Job. It has been a while since I read this story but I plan on diving into this week and seeing what can teach me through this book of the Bible. I have a feeling it is going to be a bumpy, yet eventful ride.
Not too many things have changed since I last posted. I am still on the job hunt and recovering from Mono. I do have to admit, it is incredibly frustrating to me to have to sit and do nothing. You probably think I am crazy right? I am planning on moving back home and it annoys me to no end to have to sit and not pack or clean or the million other things I could be doing; however, I think God is trying to teach me that sometimes we have to literally sit and be still and also that we cannot always do things on our own.
I have been really struggling and soul searching lately with what all this season in my life means and what it is that God is really trying to nail into my very stubborn head. I think I might have finally started to figure it out. God is trying to teach me that I do NOT have control. I am discovering that I have multi-faceted issues with control as a "codependant" and I have let it rule my life for a really long time. I additionally struggle with letting things go, it is virtually impossible for me to do so, it is like telling a fish to try and live outside of water. Earlier on in this journey of mine, I prayed a lot about wanting my life to reflect Jesus and I am beginning to see how this incredibly rocky journey is leading me to that. There is absolutely no way I can be an effective disciple of Christ if I do not wholeheartedly trust his plans and know that literally "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
Now here is the hard part for me. Through my counseling, I have discovered that I have difficulty getting my logic and my emotions to mesh together, i.e. how do I take all these things I know to be truth on one side and then let me feel them and believe them on the other side. This is my struggle. I want more than anyone will understand to be broken free from this bondage but there is a reason I am not. I know that I am missing something. I just can't quite seem to figure out what this missing piece is. I seem to have this inability to get my head and my heart to be in conjunction with one another. They both know great things and truths, but for some reason they don't work together.
I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus through this storm. I mean can you imagine what a testimony it could be? If I could praise God and know that he truly is going to guide me through this storm because I know people probably are looking from the outside thinking "Wow, her life sucks" and I want to be able to respond with "Actually No, it is quite the contrary. God is preparing me for something greater than I could ever imagine and teaching me lessons I would have never been able to learn otherwise." That it what I want to be able to say and WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe every single syllable of it.
If you do read this, please continue to keep me and your family in your prayers. I do in the very depths of my soul want to conquer with Christ this storm/season, I just need the continued encouragement. I am so thankful to those of you who have sent me cards and other messages of encouragement, they mean more to me than you will know. You all are truly exhibiting what it means to show Christ's love to a sister in Christ. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
One final thought. We sang a hymm this morning in church and the chorus was immesnely moving to me. The holy spirit laid it upon my heart very deeply. It was
"
Until next time, I will be searching for my missing piece and continuing to find the Blessing in Brokenness.
In Christ's Grace, Love, and Mercy
Chloe
Not too many things have changed since I last posted. I am still on the job hunt and recovering from Mono. I do have to admit, it is incredibly frustrating to me to have to sit and do nothing. You probably think I am crazy right? I am planning on moving back home and it annoys me to no end to have to sit and not pack or clean or the million other things I could be doing; however, I think God is trying to teach me that sometimes we have to literally sit and be still and also that we cannot always do things on our own.
I have been really struggling and soul searching lately with what all this season in my life means and what it is that God is really trying to nail into my very stubborn head. I think I might have finally started to figure it out. God is trying to teach me that I do NOT have control. I am discovering that I have multi-faceted issues with control as a "codependant" and I have let it rule my life for a really long time. I additionally struggle with letting things go, it is virtually impossible for me to do so, it is like telling a fish to try and live outside of water. Earlier on in this journey of mine, I prayed a lot about wanting my life to reflect Jesus and I am beginning to see how this incredibly rocky journey is leading me to that. There is absolutely no way I can be an effective disciple of Christ if I do not wholeheartedly trust his plans and know that literally "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
Now here is the hard part for me. Through my counseling, I have discovered that I have difficulty getting my logic and my emotions to mesh together, i.e. how do I take all these things I know to be truth on one side and then let me feel them and believe them on the other side. This is my struggle. I want more than anyone will understand to be broken free from this bondage but there is a reason I am not. I know that I am missing something. I just can't quite seem to figure out what this missing piece is. I seem to have this inability to get my head and my heart to be in conjunction with one another. They both know great things and truths, but for some reason they don't work together.
I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus through this storm. I mean can you imagine what a testimony it could be? If I could praise God and know that he truly is going to guide me through this storm because I know people probably are looking from the outside thinking "Wow, her life sucks" and I want to be able to respond with "Actually No, it is quite the contrary. God is preparing me for something greater than I could ever imagine and teaching me lessons I would have never been able to learn otherwise." That it what I want to be able to say and WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe every single syllable of it.
If you do read this, please continue to keep me and your family in your prayers. I do in the very depths of my soul want to conquer with Christ this storm/season, I just need the continued encouragement. I am so thankful to those of you who have sent me cards and other messages of encouragement, they mean more to me than you will know. You all are truly exhibiting what it means to show Christ's love to a sister in Christ. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
One final thought. We sang a hymm this morning in church and the chorus was immesnely moving to me. The holy spirit laid it upon my heart very deeply. It was
"
Until next time, I will be searching for my missing piece and continuing to find the Blessing in Brokenness.
In Christ's Grace, Love, and Mercy
Chloe
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Untitled
Well as I sit here and begin to write this post, I can not come up with a title for this post. I am not even sure where to begin this one. My last post talked about be unsettled and frustrated. I made a list of things I was feeling unsettled about and now I am not sure if I have more things to add to that list or if I should take some things away from it.
I keep thinking that surely I have hit rock bottom and that there is no way God is going to let me go through anything else; well I can humbly say now that is not true. This past week I came down with a horrible cold/sinus infection/upper respiratory infection. I had a physical done last Friday (a week ago) and the Doctor called me on Monday and told me I had Mono. I felt like death, I didn't know how I was going to manage work. I missed MTSU Monday and worked the hospital that night and then went in to MTSU for an hour Tuesday and would miss the hospital; however, I had a meeting with my boss Tuesday that she asked me if I could still come in for. I went to the meeting and they eliminated my position, i.e. no more hospital job.
I am still trying to comprehend what all this means. I really think God is truly teaching me a pretty difficult lesson about obedience, humbleness, and trust right now.I left the hospital distraught and all I could think is that God you must really have something in store for me that I can not see at this moment. I can tell you that I am scared out of my whits. I know I have the option of moving home but I have been strongly advised not too and I have another opportunity that would be a part time job with free living expenses but it would require me to give up my house and my dogs. I am sitting in my living room right now with my two pups and it is hard for me to imagine giving up two of things that have brought me such solace and peace during such a tumultuous time in my life. I have been reflecting on this since I found out about my job at the hospital. God has brought to my mind several stories from the Bible of sacrifice, the woman who gave her last penny, the merchant who sold everything for a pearl (i.e. the Kingdom of heave represented by the pearl), Jesus says to sell all your earthly possessions in order to build treasure in heaven. I am in a place now where I have turned over my dating life to Christ and sacrificed it so now I am wondering, am I being called to give up my dogs and my house? Am I being called to be very humbled financially and out of my earthly possessions?
I confess I am highly conflicted, terrified, and have no idea what is next. I know I have to make a decision very quickly and feel highly unprepared to do so. I am totally abandoned to Christ at this point, so many of the things that have been idols in my life are now being removed. My prayer is that I will be able to effectively carry out and discern what it is that God is asking me to do right now.
Now let's take a look at that list I posted in my last post and see how many of those issues are still issues:
I keep thinking that surely I have hit rock bottom and that there is no way God is going to let me go through anything else; well I can humbly say now that is not true. This past week I came down with a horrible cold/sinus infection/upper respiratory infection. I had a physical done last Friday (a week ago) and the Doctor called me on Monday and told me I had Mono. I felt like death, I didn't know how I was going to manage work. I missed MTSU Monday and worked the hospital that night and then went in to MTSU for an hour Tuesday and would miss the hospital; however, I had a meeting with my boss Tuesday that she asked me if I could still come in for. I went to the meeting and they eliminated my position, i.e. no more hospital job.
I am still trying to comprehend what all this means. I really think God is truly teaching me a pretty difficult lesson about obedience, humbleness, and trust right now.I left the hospital distraught and all I could think is that God you must really have something in store for me that I can not see at this moment. I can tell you that I am scared out of my whits. I know I have the option of moving home but I have been strongly advised not too and I have another opportunity that would be a part time job with free living expenses but it would require me to give up my house and my dogs. I am sitting in my living room right now with my two pups and it is hard for me to imagine giving up two of things that have brought me such solace and peace during such a tumultuous time in my life. I have been reflecting on this since I found out about my job at the hospital. God has brought to my mind several stories from the Bible of sacrifice, the woman who gave her last penny, the merchant who sold everything for a pearl (i.e. the Kingdom of heave represented by the pearl), Jesus says to sell all your earthly possessions in order to build treasure in heaven. I am in a place now where I have turned over my dating life to Christ and sacrificed it so now I am wondering, am I being called to give up my dogs and my house? Am I being called to be very humbled financially and out of my earthly possessions?
I confess I am highly conflicted, terrified, and have no idea what is next. I know I have to make a decision very quickly and feel highly unprepared to do so. I am totally abandoned to Christ at this point, so many of the things that have been idols in my life are now being removed. My prayer is that I will be able to effectively carry out and discern what it is that God is asking me to do right now.
Now let's take a look at that list I posted in my last post and see how many of those issues are still issues:
I need roommates, without them I can not afford to stay in my house. About 95% sure I will have to move out due to losing hospital job.My MTSU jobs ends August 19th, I will barely be able to live off of my hospital income. Will be applying to be a substitue teacher and will probably be rent free now.- I want to go to Grad school but don't know where, which program, or how I will get there.
I found out I am working Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day-hadn't even been able to begin thinking about how different holidays will be now, let alone having to work on them.Not working at hospital anymore, thus not an issue.- In my counseling, I have unearthed some new dirt that reveals many of my struggles with relationships; it makes me feel defeated and that I will never have a functional happy marriage or a family of my own.
Despite my decision to not date right now, there is still a sense of loneliness that surrounds me.Don't want to provide details on this now, but have been given a peace about this and have too many other things to worry about to be lonely!I have been on anti-depressants for 11 months now and in counseling for 9-10 months and fee like I have made no progress. I now have to take two anti-depressants daily plus a sleeping pill at night just to be able to function somewhat "normally".Diagnosed with Mono, thus explaining mood swings and having a sleep study and stress test done to rule out other potential contributing issues.
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