Unsettled and Frustrated

The only way I can think to sum up how I have been feeling over the past few days is unsettled and frustrated. Here are the things that are causing me to feel this way:

• I need roommates, without them I can not afford to stay in my house.
• My MTSU jobs ends August 19th, I will barely be able to live off of my hospital income.
• I want to go to Grad school but don't know where, which program, or how I will get there.
• I found out I am working Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day-hadn't even been able to begin thinking about how different holidays will be now, let alone having to work on them.
• In my counseling, I have unearthed some new dirt that reveals many of my struggles with relationships; it makes me feel defeated and that I will never have a functional happy marriage or a family of my own.
• Despite my decision to not date right now, there is still a sense of loneliness that surrounds me.
• I have been on anti-depressants for 11 months now and in counseling for 9-10 months and fee like I have made no progress. I now have to take two anti-depressants daily plus a sleeping pill at night just to be able to function somewhat "normally".

Yeah that's a lot. I carry these thoughts and feelings with me all the time. I am struggling with learning to let go but yet have faith at the same time. How does one do that? How is a person to be responsible but not worry about things? How do I not let these things affect my daily attitude? I am so frustrated and unsettled. It is wearing me out. I wish I knew the answers and that I could just wiggle my nose like Samantha from Bewitched and everything would just be hunky-dory. Unfortunately, life is not a 30 minute sitcom that can be solved with a twitch of the nose.

If you have read any of my previous posts, I am sure you can see why I am frustrated. I have this immense faith but somehow I get so defeated so easily. I do not want to be this way AT ALL but with every step forward I take I feel like I take two steps back.

Lord please help me not to feel so burdened, I know your word says that your yoke is easy and load is light. Lord Rescue Me from this opression.

Moving Forward, Letting Go, and Having Unwavering Patience

Well Hello Friends! I think my audience might actually be growing, slowly but surely!

It has been a while since I have updated, but not too much craziness has been happening. I have been working even more than normal, like 50+ hour work weeks. I can not complain to much though because I have a final date on my job at MTSU, August 19th. It freaks me out quite a bit but I am trying to really trust God that he is going to open the right doors, but I must admit I am struggling because I also do not have anyone who has signed a lease for next year...Sigh, TRUST, TRUST, TRUST!

One of the greatest things that has happened since I last updated is that one of my dearest friends had her baby! Welcome to the world Emma Joyce Reed! I am so in love with this little girl, she is absolutely beautiful and such a blessing. I absolutely adore her parents, grandparents, and family as well. Here are some pictures of Miss Emma :)

Other than work, I have been continuing to do work on the inside and outside of my house. I was working on getting my back porch cleaned up in hopes of doing some entertaining, but I have had to temporarily cease that work due to tendinitis in my wrist, elbow, and shoulder in my right arm...GRRRR. I was very proud though that I did figure out last night how to light my grill and I grilled some chicken and veggies! Needless to say, I am so hooked! Once I can finish my porch I would love to have all my wonderful friends over for a night of food and fun!

Now for the tough stuff. Things have still been pretty tough lately. I know God is really testing my faithfulness right now in my "Journey to Damascus". I can't remember if I posted this or not, but my doctor added a new medication to my already growing list of medications. I felt like I had gone right back to where I had started almost a year ago and was not about to let that happen. I have started seeing my therapist once a week again and it is back to the psychiatrist every 3-4 weeks. I am struggling because I feel like one of those people from the old cartoons that had a little devil on one shoulder and a little angel on the other. It is a constant battle of fighting depression, sadness, and hopelessness versus wanting to be grateful for my blessings, desiring peace and joy, and a heart that truly trusts God. It is exhausting to say the least.

I had probably the most intense session with my therapist I have had as of yet today and we unearthed quite a bit of dirt. Mostly things about my relationship with my Dad and how that is now negatively affecting me in my day to day life. I literally looked at her said, "I am tired of feeling this way, what can I do?". Unfortunately, I am the type of person that wants a set way to go about solving a problem with a check list of things to do. Life however, is not like this. She reminded me of everything I have encountered over the last 9 months: Graduating College, Starting & Working 2 jobs, Going through a nasty break-up, my parents splitting up in a not so pretty way, and being genetically predisposed to anxiety and depression. It makes my head spin just typing it out. I guess I have somewhat expected things to just get better with a snap of my fingers and that if I put my all into everything I possibly could, it would all work out. I am learning though that this is not necessarily true. Basically to sum up today's session I determined that this process is going to take some serious moving forward, letting Go, and having unwavering patience. I am sure I could write a whole blog on each one of those three topics but I may save that for another time, but that's the pretty big nutshell of it all.

I admit, I feel defeated writing this. Little devil man on my shoulder wants to tell me that I am never going to find happiness, I will never be fulfilled in life, and that I will never be all that I aspire/dream to be. These are the thoughts that have haunted me and plagued me for YEARS and I am just now able to share them. I told my mom and therapist that some days I feel like I need to be locked away in a "Loony Bin" because I just can not seem to handle the way these thoughts make me feel.; thus, I have been encouraged to continue writing as much as possible. It seems to be the only way I can really reach deep deep deep inside and uncover the heart and emotion of so many of these matters that haunt me.

I am so blessed by such incredible people in my life, many of you who are reading this, and it brings me to tears at this moment thinking about how blessed I am by all of you. I thank God for placing you in my life because I know I wouldn't be able to walk through this journey without each one of you. You each have help to support me in your own individually unique way, for which I am eternally grateful. I know without you all, I probably would have lost all faith a really long time ago.

There are literally not enough words in this world to convey my gratitude for all, in which God has blessed me; my greatest prayer is that by the power of Jesus and the Cross, Satan will no longer have any power over me and that this intense battle of spiritual warfare will press on with the full armor of God singing praises to my Savior UNCEASINGLY.

^"10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. " Ephesians 6:10-17

The final part of this passage from Ephesians (6:18-20) is my prayer:

"18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. 19 Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. "


I love each and everyone of you and am mostly grateful that Christ died and allowed me to have eternal salvation. There is truly nothing sweeter than the love of Christ. Thank you for being that sweetness in my life!

My "Journey to Damascus"

Good evening readers...That is if there is anyone out there reading this...Tee-hee :) Even if no one is, that's ok, because I enjoy writing here and one day it will be something I will have bound into a book for my family. I hope this post find you healthy, happy, and blessed!

I must admit, I have really been struggling over the past few weeks. I know I haven't posted much, but things feel like they have gone from bad to worse. I saw my psychiatrist on Friday and originally  he had wanted to start stair stepping me off of my anti-depressant and I was soooo stoked; well by the time the appointment rolled around, I felt just as bad as I had when I first started treatment last July. So much for starting to cut back on my medication, instead I had another one added to what I am already taking. I really hope this is the tiny little tweak I need, and I will now be seeing my therapist every week instead of every other week. I am bound and determined to come out of all this on top and NOT let it defeat me. Thankfully, the past few days have been pretty good so I am trying very hard to stay positive and truly surrender to God.

Speaking of surrendering to God, I believe I am being called to totally surrender a part of my life. God had been laying this on my heart recently, but he truly spoke to me this morning while I was getting ready (this seems to be his favorite time to speak truth into my heart, I love it!). I believe God is calling me to completely surrender dating for the rest of 2011. I believe that he and I still have a very intimate journey to travel together and that dating right now would become a distraction to what God is wanting to teach me. Now I am not saying this is what is right for everyone, please do not think that; this is what I believe I am supposed to do for this season in my life.

I have been thinking all day today about what I wanted to refer to this new journey as. I googled and contemplated and contemplated. For some reason, Paul's journey on the road to Damascus kept coming to my mind. I knew a little bit about this story but not too much. The more I research I did though, the more I knew that my journey was going to very similar to Paul's journey. If  you are not familiar with this story, click here for a brief summary and the story is also told in Acts Chapter 9. Now Paul (formerly known as Saul) had set out to persecute Christians...that is not at ALL what I have set out to do; my journey is similar to Paul's because during his journey he experienced a transformation that would change his life forever. I believe that in the next 6 months, God is going to do an incredible work in my life. See I have been in this sorta "quarter life crisis" since I graduated because I am not holding down a full time job, not married, not in grad school, not engaged etc. I have not a clue as to what I am supposed to do next or where to go next. I believe that he is not going to reveal his will about some of the questions I have been asking him about my future until I learn to give myself to him and truly truly truly learn to trust his scriptures and promises.

I know that Jesus and I have a long long long walk together during the next six months; some of it will be like walking on the beach at sunset, peaceful, easy and beautiful. I know that other parts of it are going to be like walking up a mountain barefoot on thorns and rocks in the snow. I know that in some of this time Jesus will have to carry me because I will not be able to walk on my own; I know though that in other parts of this journey though Christ and I will be running and laughing together. I have deep sense of contentment about this and know that it is what I am supposed to do. I am so excited to see what he will be teaching me and to see where my life goes afterward.

 The passage of scripture that comes to mind for this journey is Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:

1 There is a time for everything,

   and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
  a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

The other passage that comes to mind for this journey is the one that I have decided is my theme verse for this year, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18:

"Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is Christ's will for you in Christ Jesus".
Lord Jesus, thank you for who you are and for you unconditional love. Thank you for calling me for this period of celibacy so that I may keep my eyes focused solely on you. I pray that nothing will shake me and you will be my steady rock. Thank you Jesus for the blessings I know you will be giving me. I love you so much!

Amen

Recipes for Life

This summer at my church, we have a sermon series that is called "Recipes for Life". They have requested submissions for not only food recipes but also "Recipes for Life: Ingredients for Life". I thought it would be a good time for me to reflect on the questions they have asked for this submission and to make one as well. I may be only 22, but I sure do feel like I have learned about some pretty important life ingredients.

What specific "ingredients" have you used throughout life that have helped you overcome obstacles?

When I read this question, there are several ingredients that come to mind first. These include: Faith, Love, Perseverance, Grace, and Trust. You see, it is very easy for me to come up with this list
because I am in a season of my life right now that requires to me to add large amounts of these ingredients every single day, several times a day. Listed are a brief description of why I believe each of the specified ingredients have helped me overcome obstacles, as well as scriptures discussing those ingredients that I have leaned heavily upon during times of trial and tribulation.

Faith gives me an unshakable foundation. When the storms of life swarm around me, I know that my faith can NEVER be taken from me. My faith is knowing that God has a plan for me and that if I truly love him and seek him, he WILL NOT let go of me. Though my faith has been small at times, the scripture says "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

Love is the fundamental foundation of Christianity. It was God's incredible love that allows us to have our salvation and as Christians we are called to exhibit the same love towards all people. The Bible mentions at least three times that we can have an incredible faith or everything else imaginable, but if we do not love we truly have nothing. Paul also tells us that "These three things remain forever: Faith, Hope, and Love; the greatest of these is Love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

Perseverance is like vitamin B12 of spiritual ingredients; it is the ingredient that when you want to throw your hands up and say "I QUIT" that gives you that extra boost you need to keep pushing and not give up. James tells us too that we "Should consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." James 2:2-4

Grace I have learned recently, is absolutely essential. I heard in one of our sermons in this series actually, that if anger and bitterness is ruling your life and Grace is not, then God is not in control of your life. Without Grace, we would be living in a life full of resentment and anger. Grace is also what allows us to have our eternal salvation, without it, we would be nothing.  ^"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:12-14

Trust is one ingredient that I constantly crave and one in which I always seem to be in short supply. If we cannot trust God and his promises for us, what good is our faith? By trusting God, I know that if I am seeking him wholeheartedly, God will work out details and blessings I will never be able to comprehend. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6


What do you think makes for a zesty and tasteful life? Which ingredient do you consider most important in life? Why?  
I believe that life ingredients are seasonal just like many food products are; sometimes the ingredients will be plentiful and they will overflow in our lives but then there may be other ingredients that are not as plentiful to come by so we must work harder to obtain and hold onto them.There are some seasons in our life that may require patience where as others may require more grace, thus I cannot say that one is more ingredient is more important than another. God is continually teaching us new lessons and if we are seeking his will in all situations, the end result will be a zesty and tasteful life.