Part 2: From the Outside Looking in you'll never understand it; From the Inside Looking out you'll never be able to explain it.

This is part 2 of my last post. I have been thinking about what I wrote since then. I have come to realize that I think something I am going to struggle with my whole life is finding the balance of caring about someone but not letting it affect me personally. This is something I absolutely am going to have to learn if I go into the counseling field. If I ever have a family of my own, I don't want to come home and bring the burdens of my clients with me. I think I will eventually learn that balance as I have in growing in maturing but it is something I am continually going to probably struggle with concerning the people who are closest to me.

Going off of that note and my previous post, why is it that I have felt the need for so long to give my everything to making everyone else happy but completely ignoring myself-well not completely but largely. This is a quote by C.S. Lewis that came to mind today:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

I feel like this could not have been a better depiction of my heart; this is exactly how I feel about loving. I only love people who I know are "safe". It has even taken me a long time with the people I feel very safe with to fully open up about the deepest darkest wounds I possess. Since I have focused on other people so much, I have hidden my heart, hoping in the process no one would want to come along and want to see inside it. There have been a few select individuals that have come close and a small handful that have gotten there. The unfortunate part about that is that almost all of these individuals have immensely hurt, no not hurt, shattered my heart. These have not just been guys I have dated but even other people I am very close too, family included, males and females. There are days like today for instance that I struggle immensely. I feel like I am never going to be able to trust anyone enough to spend the rest of my life with them or every time I find someone who I think meets my expectations, I always end up finding something wrong. Part of me believes that I have locked up my heart so intensely and made the fence just high enough that NO ONE will ever be able to get in. I told my roommate tonight that a nunnery is looking like a really good option right now.

I am too scared to take a risk because every time I have taken a risk it always ends up being so incredibly painful and ends up being a very long healing process. The old song and adage really had been on my mind lately: "Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? ".

Growing up has it perks but at the same time, you become aware of many of these things you would have never known before. Another thought that has been on my mind this week is "It is better to have the ugly truth than a beautiful lie." I guess I need to stop, take a deep breath, and truly turn my heart over to God. I think if anything, he is having to crush me into dust in order to fully trust him.

One day at a time.

From the Outside Looking in you'll never understand it; From the Inside Looking out you'll never be able to explain it.

Have you ever felt that horrible frustration of looking at a situation from the outside and not being able to do a darn thing about it? This seems to be a continual theme in my life over the past couple of weeks. I have felt this way about an innumberable amount of relationships in my life: family, friends, my dogs, etc. It is so hard for me to watch people I care about to be in situations and watch them hurt and not be able to fix it all. I sometimes joke that I am actually a guy because I just want to fix everything. I just want everyone I care about to be happy; I don't want to see them suffer, especially when it is avoidable.

I consider myself to have a gift of being able to read people; this is a blessing and a curse. I am not sure how I came to realize I have this gift but it is the strangest thing. I can almost 9 times out of 10 pinpoint how a person will react to a situation, what the outcome will be, etc. The more times I have expeirenced this, the odder it becomes. Maybe this is why I have struggled with copdendency for so long? Because it is so easy for me to see the potentail outcome of a situation, I struggle to watch people I love make decisions that are fruitless and potentially harmful in the long run. I can't imagine what this is going to feel like IF and when I ever have children. I guess this comes back to my issues of feeling the need to be in control. If I can control everything and eliminate potential pain then it makes me happy.

On the flip side though, why do I spend all this time and energy worrying about other people when I completely let my happiness and joy to the wayside? Where is the balance? I have been asked several times over the past few years, what it is that makes me happy and I honestly don't know. I really and truly do not have a single clue. I know there are a few things that make me feel good every now and again, but true happiness???.....What does it mean to even be truly happy?

I know this is a somewhat depressing post, but the things I have been dealing with over the past few weeks are things I NEVER thought I would have to encounter in my entire life, thus my major predicament with dealing with all these situaitons.

Sigh.....To be continued

2012-It can only go up from here

Hello World!

I am back! I apologize for taking such a long absence, however, life has still been a little bit crazy. I have had a lot of changes in my life since October. Let's see here, where to begin....

As mentioned in my previous post in October, I moved back home and things were not going well. Things continued to only get worse, I felt like I was trapped in a living nightmare. I was extremely blessed to visit Colorado for Thanksgiving with one of my nearest and dearest friends, Porsche, and some of our other Zeta sisters. I absolutely will never be able to describe how wonderful that Thanksgiving was and how much it meant to me for her family to open their home and welcome us all in. My made some really great memories, we laughed, we cried, but overall it was the trip of a lifetime! There will be a few photos at the bottom of this post.

Shortly after I wrote my last post in October and before Thanksgiving, my counselor was strongly suggesting to me that I find a way to move out. My mental health was being so adversely affected that it was imperative that it happened, unfortunately, that meant giving up my Fraternity and Sorority Life job in order to pursue something full time. I went into my boss's office and once again cried and cried. I am so thankful God placed her in my life when he did; she was so beyond understanding and worked with me to try and make my situation better. She suggested I contact a former boss of mine in another department on campus for any possible leads. Sure enough, God was watching over and he provided. There was a full time interim position as an Admissions Coordinator at MTSU. This was a job I had actually applied for right before I graduated so I was very excited about the opportunity.

Funnily enough, prior to finding out about the interim position, the hospital called me and offered me my job back. The day I was scheduled to meet with my old boss, I was granted the opportunity pursue the interim position. I pushed back the meeting with my old boss at the hospital. I went and met with my old boss, discussed holiday schedules, and all that was left to do was sign the paperwork. I had decided that I needed the job stability and that it was too risky to go for the interim position because I would still have to apply for the permanent position and go through all the proper protocol. The day I had to make this decision, I ran into my old boss and was discussing my concerns with her. After our conversation I completely changed my mind. I felt like God was telling me to take a leap of faith and to go for the Admissions job.

This all took place a few weeks before Thanksgiving; had I taken the hospital job I would not have been able to go to Colorado. I went home that night and bought my plane ticket. Things were starting to look up! Two days after I returned from Colorado, one of my friends out of the blue texted me and asked if I was still living at home. I replied in the affirmative and he then told me he was looking to move at the beginning of the year and wanted to know if I would be interested in living with him. I was so floored; once again, God provides as he promises he will. We began the search and it was a frustrating process trying to find somewhere that would fit our budgets and other parameters. I had been praying and praying for the right place but nothing had seemed to be the right place. One day while visiting Porsche, I noticed that one of the town houses a few doors down had a "For Lease" sign and I actually knew one of the current tenets. As soon as I saw this place, I knew it was "The One", ha yes I know sounds very corny! We got everything worked out and we moved in Martin Luther King weekend.

If you had told me a couple of months ago that I would be living with a guy in a town house, I would have laughed in your face. It is so funny to me that I am dumb enough to worry as much as I do. My sweet friend Porsche has always reminded me that God has always provided for me and never let me down. When the thought of moving back out and working full time first came about, I was overcome with anxiety, I did not think it was possible, I could not foresee how it would happen. Well Ladies and Gents, I am now working full time and should know any day now whether or not I will be permanent. Things have been favorable thus far, so hoping to be kept on staff. I am now moved out and completely broke, but I am so much happier. I actually look forward to coming home and don't find excuses to stay away. My roommate and I are extremely compatible, it is actually very scary how similar we are (For future reference, he will be referred to as JMK). I also love being so close to Porsche and I am able to walk to and from work. God is Good, what else can I say.



The title of this blog is 2012-It can only go up from here. I chose this title because this has been my mantra since January 1. I am doing a daily photo challenge and that is the name of my album. Yes there are still hard days and times ahead, but I have a renewed and strengthened faith and outlook. Things will be better, no doubt about it.

Here is my theme verse for the year:
1 Peter 1:6-7.

⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

 

 

In His Grace,

 

Chloe

 

 

                                      This was one of the most ridiculous, crazy, memorable, will be talking about this when I am 80, nights of life!

This was the day we went home from Colorado. Yes this was ALL ours!!!!