Part 6-The Final Part
I left off yesterday with talking about how I had two really rough weeks in which A and I were not speaking and I was upset about my Dad not wearing his wedding band. Two weeks ago tomorrow (Saturday) A finally agreed to talk to me after our two week hiatus. I was really scared and nervous. I spent the hour and a half prior to us talking that night praying, reading scriptures, worshiping, and meditating. I had no idea what was in store but I let it all go into God’s hands. I felt like he was asking me to give up my relationship with A for right now and that I had to be willing to make that sacrifice. I didn’t want to but I knew that is what I was being called to do.
A and I talked and it was a calm and collected conversation. Basically he believed that we were not supposed to be together at all, ever again and that we were not meant to be together forever. Like I said, I had come to a place of peace about giving up the relationship for the present, but I was not ready to hear that it was permanent. I cried and cried and cried. That was Saturday night.
Sunday came and I couldn’t force myself out of bed to go to church yet again because I was too depressed. I knew I really needed to cut my grass because it had gotten pretty long. I finally forced myself up and outside and I began on the endless amounts of yard work that needed to be completed. My Dad came over and we went to Lowe’s to get some more concrete blocks to try and keep my dog Georgia from escaping from the backyard. He and I worked for several hours. When we got done he and I were standing outside drinking some water and he told me he had something he wanted to tell me. He told me that he had served my mom with divorce papers. I surprisingly wasn’t that shocked but then again maybe I was so in shock it just didn’t sink in. I held it together long enough to say goodbye to him and then when he was out of sight, I laid my head down on the shovel I was holding and started to cry. I managed to get my yard work tools picked up and put in the garage but by the time I made it into the kitchen I collapsed on my kitchen floor and sobbed uncontrollably.
I had only cried so hard in my life one time before and that was when I found out my grandmother had passed away unexpectedly. I have no idea how long I laid there on the kitchen floor. I know it was long enough to create a pool of tears on the floor. I began trying to text some of my friends to see if they were free. I couldn’t get through to anyone. I finally got through to A and we talked briefly before one of my friends called me back. That was Sunday night.
Monday came around and I decided to talk to my mom about everything when I got off that night. I went over to my parents and sat down with her at the kitchen table. I can remember telling her that this was a conversation I had hoped I never had to have and that it was by far the hardest conversation I had ever had. Turns out my mom didn’t know my dad had told me everything so I caught her extremely off guard. Watching her cry and be in so much pain was one of the worst things I have ever gone through. She wanted me to help her tell my sister who was at her boyfriend’s house at that moment. She went and picked her up and brought her to my house. We went in my room and shut the door and my mom told her. My sister ran out of my house and down the street she was so devastated. She ended up staying with me that night and part of the next day. That was Monday night.
I can honestly say that those three days were the worst three days of my entire life. I have never cried so much in such a short amount of time. I didn’t actually cry again for almost a whole other week and a half after that because I had no tears left to cry. Since then things have still been up and down. A and I went through another disagreement which resulted in us vowing to never to speak to one another again. He said some things to me that were very hurtful and showed me that I couldn’t have a person with the type of attitude he was exhibiting in my life right now. I am still incredibly heartbroken and do miss him every single day, but God clearly answered my prayer of “If A was supposed to be in my life to let him stay, if not to take him out”. Well obviously I got my answer on that one.
Things are still up in the air with my family and no one is really sure at this point what is next. I just keep praying a lot and ask for your prayers for them as well. There are still so many unanswered questions and details that have to be worked out. I am extremely struggling with knowing what is and is not my place in this whole situation. You see I was also diagnosed as being “Codependent” which means I base my feelings/happiness all on other people. I basically do not know what makes me happy, I do not know that I am extremely wonderful person, and I struggle to set appropriate boundaries. I am still working both part time jobs with my MTSU job ending around June1, not sure what will come after that, except I will be continuing my hospital job. I am still seeing my psychiatrist once a month and my therapist every two weeks. I am terrified of having to start dating again but am not in any hurry whatsoever to start. I just know that I am going to have the most amazing husband in the entire world one day, I do have a peace about that at least!
I have begun to have some reflection on all this in the past week as I have been writing this blog about what all these means as far as my spiritual/faith walk means. I will save that for tomorrow though, as I am sure it will be a bit lengthy J . I believe that sharing this story will very much help in my healing process. It is still very hard for me to go back and reread the words I have written because it is a reminder that this is all real and happening. I hope that it has touched someone in some way or another. I recently read a line from The Purpose Driven Life book that said “Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts. The things you’re most embarrassed about, most ashamed of, and most reluctant to share are the very tools God can use most powerfully to heal others”. I believe this wholeheartedly can be applied to this season of my life. Until tomorrow, praying that God is moving in each persons’ life who has read this blog and that He will teach you something great from this
Friday, April 8, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
You Never Know God is All You Need Until God is All You Have Part 5
Part 5
Hello Friends! I am sorry I missed yesterday, I just wasn't feeling it for some reason. I really would love nothing more than to go to bed right now as I am fighting a SPUH-LIITTING headache, however, I am committed to writing and sharing so I am going to do so.
I last left off with my writing that I had done on the way to Passion. I will admit that even though I did not want to go at all, since I was pretty much forced to go, I did somewhere deep inside hope that maybe this was what I needed to turn things around in my life. Well guess what? It didn't happen...at that moment at least... Yes there were some incredible sermons but nothing rocked me to my core like I was secretly hoping it would. I came home feeling a tinge better than prior to leaving but still feeling pretty lost.
The next few weeks went by and I was still staying at my parents' house. I kept myself busy and occupied by going through and organizing things, putting away Christmas decorations, cleaning, spending some time with friends, watching TV, etc. This routine went on for about two weeks and I finally decided it was head back to my house. Oh and you may have wondered what happend to A through alll this. It continued to be a roller coaster. One day we were speaking and the next day we weren't. I finally got back to my house and got settled back in. I spent the first few days putting away Christmas decorations (it was mid January at this point) cleaning, organizing, and pretty much anything to keep myself busy. I did some days not get out of bed except to let the dogs out.
I continued the job search without any progress. One day I went to eat with my Dad and I ran into someone who I had worked with when I interned at MTMC. She and I were catching up and she told me about a job opening I should appy for as she thought I would be a great fit. I was so excited and put in my application as soon as I could. I interviewed for the job about a week later. I did not hear anything for a while but I tried not to get discouraged. At this point, things with A began to look up and take a turn for the better. We had some very long conversations trying to untangle the mess that our relationship had become. I traveled to Knoxville the weekend of Valentines Day to have a fun relaxing weekend with my dear friend Elizabeth. I am so grateful for her friendship and what an incredible friend she is. We had such a fun weekend, it was a much needed mini-vacation!
I came back from Knoxville and somehow survived Valentines Day. If you know me well, you know I hate mushy gushy lovey dovey stuff. Romance to me is something much different and deeper than that. I also believe that if Valentines Day is a day about love, then persons should celebrate all the relationships in their lives in which there is love, not just romantic ones. I finally got the call from the hospital the day after Valentines Day. I didn't get the job, they acutally decided not to hire anyone. I was devestated. Just when things were starting to look up it all to me felt like it had gone down the crapper. I spent the rest of that week moping, not getting out of bed unless it was completely necessary. In a turn of events, by the next week or so later the job had been reposted as part-time. I immediately reapplied and by the next day got a call asking if I was still interested in the job. Also on this day, I got a call asking if I would be interested in going to work for the office of Greek Affairs at MTSU part-time. I couldn't believe it! Everything was just seemed to all the sudden be falling back into place! Long story short I ended up acctepting both positions. I began training the next week for my MTSU job and then the next week had orientation for the hospital and then began both jobs. This was the first week of March.
Life seemed almost like it was starting to look up again. I had gotten two jobs , A and I were headed towards getting back together, I was exercising again, and I was getting back on track in my walk with Christ and felt like I was learning/growing so much. There is one part though that I was still struggling with. My Dad and I had been spending more time together and with each conversation I began to become more concerned about the stability of his and my mom's marriage. I tried not to let it affect me but it was nearly impossible. One Saturday in particular we were eating breakfast and I noticed he was not wearing his wedding band anymore. I questioned him about it and he brushed it off and told me not to worry about it. Yeah right, me not worry about it??? That's like giving a dog a piece of steak and telling him not to eat it. I held back most of the tears in the restaurant. I got into my car and sobbed and sobbed. I finally got the strength to call one of my good friends, Brittany, and I went to her house and talked with her for a couple of hours. Again, I am so thankful for such good friends and that they live nearby! Well that night A and I got into yet again, only this time we did not speak for two weeks afterward.
The next two weeks went by and at this point I was pretty much in a good routine with both of my jobs. I was still pretty depressed about everything going on though. I had also been prescribed sleeping pills by my psychiatrist because I was not sleeping well due to the side affects of my anti-depressent medication. For those two weeks, I would come home immediately and go to bed. I could not handle being social, talking to anyone, or even eating. I just wanted the burdens and pain to go away. I felt like I was simply a shell of a person/human body just existing and going through the motions of life. I missed church two Sundays in a row because I could not get myself out of bed I was so down. I had begun to lose hope. I couldn't find comfort in anything but sleep. My faith was slowing begining to slip away, the scriptures that had so often brought me comfort and that I frequently shared with others seemed just like words on paper. God felt like a distant aquaintance. That brings me to about two weeks ago and if I thought it couldn't get any worse, well I thought very wrong.
Hello Friends! I am sorry I missed yesterday, I just wasn't feeling it for some reason. I really would love nothing more than to go to bed right now as I am fighting a SPUH-LIITTING headache, however, I am committed to writing and sharing so I am going to do so.
I last left off with my writing that I had done on the way to Passion. I will admit that even though I did not want to go at all, since I was pretty much forced to go, I did somewhere deep inside hope that maybe this was what I needed to turn things around in my life. Well guess what? It didn't happen...at that moment at least... Yes there were some incredible sermons but nothing rocked me to my core like I was secretly hoping it would. I came home feeling a tinge better than prior to leaving but still feeling pretty lost.
The next few weeks went by and I was still staying at my parents' house. I kept myself busy and occupied by going through and organizing things, putting away Christmas decorations, cleaning, spending some time with friends, watching TV, etc. This routine went on for about two weeks and I finally decided it was head back to my house. Oh and you may have wondered what happend to A through alll this. It continued to be a roller coaster. One day we were speaking and the next day we weren't. I finally got back to my house and got settled back in. I spent the first few days putting away Christmas decorations (it was mid January at this point) cleaning, organizing, and pretty much anything to keep myself busy. I did some days not get out of bed except to let the dogs out.
I continued the job search without any progress. One day I went to eat with my Dad and I ran into someone who I had worked with when I interned at MTMC. She and I were catching up and she told me about a job opening I should appy for as she thought I would be a great fit. I was so excited and put in my application as soon as I could. I interviewed for the job about a week later. I did not hear anything for a while but I tried not to get discouraged. At this point, things with A began to look up and take a turn for the better. We had some very long conversations trying to untangle the mess that our relationship had become. I traveled to Knoxville the weekend of Valentines Day to have a fun relaxing weekend with my dear friend Elizabeth. I am so grateful for her friendship and what an incredible friend she is. We had such a fun weekend, it was a much needed mini-vacation!
I came back from Knoxville and somehow survived Valentines Day. If you know me well, you know I hate mushy gushy lovey dovey stuff. Romance to me is something much different and deeper than that. I also believe that if Valentines Day is a day about love, then persons should celebrate all the relationships in their lives in which there is love, not just romantic ones. I finally got the call from the hospital the day after Valentines Day. I didn't get the job, they acutally decided not to hire anyone. I was devestated. Just when things were starting to look up it all to me felt like it had gone down the crapper. I spent the rest of that week moping, not getting out of bed unless it was completely necessary. In a turn of events, by the next week or so later the job had been reposted as part-time. I immediately reapplied and by the next day got a call asking if I was still interested in the job. Also on this day, I got a call asking if I would be interested in going to work for the office of Greek Affairs at MTSU part-time. I couldn't believe it! Everything was just seemed to all the sudden be falling back into place! Long story short I ended up acctepting both positions. I began training the next week for my MTSU job and then the next week had orientation for the hospital and then began both jobs. This was the first week of March.
Life seemed almost like it was starting to look up again. I had gotten two jobs , A and I were headed towards getting back together, I was exercising again, and I was getting back on track in my walk with Christ and felt like I was learning/growing so much. There is one part though that I was still struggling with. My Dad and I had been spending more time together and with each conversation I began to become more concerned about the stability of his and my mom's marriage. I tried not to let it affect me but it was nearly impossible. One Saturday in particular we were eating breakfast and I noticed he was not wearing his wedding band anymore. I questioned him about it and he brushed it off and told me not to worry about it. Yeah right, me not worry about it??? That's like giving a dog a piece of steak and telling him not to eat it. I held back most of the tears in the restaurant. I got into my car and sobbed and sobbed. I finally got the strength to call one of my good friends, Brittany, and I went to her house and talked with her for a couple of hours. Again, I am so thankful for such good friends and that they live nearby! Well that night A and I got into yet again, only this time we did not speak for two weeks afterward.
The next two weeks went by and at this point I was pretty much in a good routine with both of my jobs. I was still pretty depressed about everything going on though. I had also been prescribed sleeping pills by my psychiatrist because I was not sleeping well due to the side affects of my anti-depressent medication. For those two weeks, I would come home immediately and go to bed. I could not handle being social, talking to anyone, or even eating. I just wanted the burdens and pain to go away. I felt like I was simply a shell of a person/human body just existing and going through the motions of life. I missed church two Sundays in a row because I could not get myself out of bed I was so down. I had begun to lose hope. I couldn't find comfort in anything but sleep. My faith was slowing begining to slip away, the scriptures that had so often brought me comfort and that I frequently shared with others seemed just like words on paper. God felt like a distant aquaintance. That brings me to about two weeks ago and if I thought it couldn't get any worse, well I thought very wrong.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
You Never Know God is All You Need Until God is All You Have Part 4
Part 4
Part 3 yesterday left off at Christmas. As I mentioned, Christmas was quiet. I was actually sick with a sinus infection and missed Christmas Eve service for I am pretty sure what the first time in my life. A few days after Christmas, I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist. Surprisingly it went better than I had expected. We discussed my history and the medication I was presently taking. Though I was feeling better than I had on the first medication, the psychiatrist decided to change the medication, yet again (making this the 3rd antidepressant I had been prescribed). For some reason when I made the switch to this medication, my body had a very difficult time adjusting. Oh and A and I got into a huge fight yet again and were not speaking once more.
That whole week I did nothing but sleep all day every day. I felt like I had hit rock bottom. Here I was a college graduate with no job prospects, no more boyfriend, and getting an inside look (since I was at my parents’ house for the holidays) at what was the beginning of the end of my parents’ marriage. New Years Eve finally rolled around and I was supposed to go over to my friends’ house for a joint party she and my other best friend were throwing. I was also supposed to leave for what was called the Passion 2011 Conference in Atlanta the next day. I knew I was in a really bad place because I did not want to go to the party or to Atlanta at all. It didn’t help either that I was originally supposed to be in Virginia with A celebrating New Years and now we weren’t even speaking. During the day on New Years Eve that day it was surprisingly warm and I took my dogs to the bark park hoping some sunshine and fresh air would do me some good. I felt a little bit better but was still unsure about going to the party. My mom and I stopped at the grocery store after the bark park and I remember feeling like I was about to burst into tears any second. I decided I was not going to the party, there was just no way I could be social. We got back to my parents’ house and I told my mom I didn’t want to talk or see anybody. I went up to my sisters’ room laid down on her bed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I couldn’t help but think that this was a precursor as to how 2011 was going to be for me.
The next morning I got up extra early to finish packing for Passion, I still had no desire to attend despite the encouragement of my family and friends. The church even paid for me to go because I knew that I would not have a job anymore and it was not a cheap conference to attend, and I had even tried to see if there was anyone at the last minute who wanted to take my spot. I had run out of excuses so I had to go. I had attended this conference before and knew that God would move in powerful ways. I was so empty and drained that I didn’t even want to feel God’s presence.
As I sat on the bus, I couldn’t help but think about how radically my life had changed in a matter of just a few weeks. You see I am a planner. I like to know where I am going, how I am going to get there, and the things I need to get there. For the first time in my life, I was planless. I had NO CLUE what was next. All these thoughts consumed me so I figured the best way to feel at peace would be to write. So I grabbed my trusty blackberry and went at it. Here is what I wrote:
Wow, I can't believe that a whole year has passed by yet again! This last year was certainly an interesting one. It was full of many ups and I downs. I do find it ironic that I began the first day of 2010 sobbing because I was so downtrodden and hopeless and then ended the last day of the year sobbing uncontrollably because of finally facing the demons that have haunted me for so long. I am so grateful that Andrew was a part of my life for the past year and was a catalyst to helping me realize how much I needed help. My heart still breaks when I think about what happened to our relationship and I am still mourning over the loss of that relationship. I know that this is where God wants us to be though. It is a daily struggle for me to rely on God and know that everything is as it should be. I have decided that I am going to have a theme verse for this upcoming year and strive to live by that verse every day. That verse is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: " 16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I think that this is something I seriously need to focus on and will be the ideal verse for me to focus on. I also am praying for this upcoming year to be a year of healing for me. I need healing in every single aspect of my life right now. I have never been so broken and despondent. I am so tired of fighting these demons. I want so badly to wake up and be able to praise God simply because he blessed me with another day! I know deep down, I truly have a heart that beats for Christ and desires so so so badly to share his love. It has brought me so much joy to love on other people. I have remarked before that I believe one of my gifts is an incredible capacity to love others. How though can I love others when I can't even love myself? By not loving myself is that not a slap in the face to God? Does that not say to him "I don't like who you have made me" ?? I want to be freed from these demons more than anyone will ever know. I feel like prodigal son who became so desperate that he desired the food that the pigs ate. I am so desperate for any glimmer of relief. I know God has allowed me to walk in this valley though because I am such a stubborn person that God is treating me like peter in Luke 23:31 when he has allowed Satan to sift him as wheat. I know there are things in my heart, mind, and soul that are strongholds and roadblocks to advancing my relationship with Christ. I know that I am in the place I am now because I can't take a hint lol !!! I am grateful though that I am learning to walk through this storm now while I am a single woman with no husband or children to have to drag through this journey with me. It is just Jesus and Me. I know the road is going to be dark and rocky at some points but I know that "God works for the good of those who love him" and that faith even "as small as a mustard seed can move mountains". My faith is small now but not nonexistent! As I am literally on the physical journey to the Passion Conference right now, I am praying that I feel the sweetness of God in my life and I may have a heart full of joy. I know it is going to be a journey but that Christ is walking with me every step of the way. It is my prayer that one year from today I can say that God has done a healing in my life that is something only he could accomplish in my life and that I would be content in the places that he leads me to go. To God be the glory forever and ever!!!!!
To be continued tomorrow…
Part 3 yesterday left off at Christmas. As I mentioned, Christmas was quiet. I was actually sick with a sinus infection and missed Christmas Eve service for I am pretty sure what the first time in my life. A few days after Christmas, I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist. Surprisingly it went better than I had expected. We discussed my history and the medication I was presently taking. Though I was feeling better than I had on the first medication, the psychiatrist decided to change the medication, yet again (making this the 3rd antidepressant I had been prescribed). For some reason when I made the switch to this medication, my body had a very difficult time adjusting. Oh and A and I got into a huge fight yet again and were not speaking once more.
That whole week I did nothing but sleep all day every day. I felt like I had hit rock bottom. Here I was a college graduate with no job prospects, no more boyfriend, and getting an inside look (since I was at my parents’ house for the holidays) at what was the beginning of the end of my parents’ marriage. New Years Eve finally rolled around and I was supposed to go over to my friends’ house for a joint party she and my other best friend were throwing. I was also supposed to leave for what was called the Passion 2011 Conference in Atlanta the next day. I knew I was in a really bad place because I did not want to go to the party or to Atlanta at all. It didn’t help either that I was originally supposed to be in Virginia with A celebrating New Years and now we weren’t even speaking. During the day on New Years Eve that day it was surprisingly warm and I took my dogs to the bark park hoping some sunshine and fresh air would do me some good. I felt a little bit better but was still unsure about going to the party. My mom and I stopped at the grocery store after the bark park and I remember feeling like I was about to burst into tears any second. I decided I was not going to the party, there was just no way I could be social. We got back to my parents’ house and I told my mom I didn’t want to talk or see anybody. I went up to my sisters’ room laid down on her bed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I couldn’t help but think that this was a precursor as to how 2011 was going to be for me.
The next morning I got up extra early to finish packing for Passion, I still had no desire to attend despite the encouragement of my family and friends. The church even paid for me to go because I knew that I would not have a job anymore and it was not a cheap conference to attend, and I had even tried to see if there was anyone at the last minute who wanted to take my spot. I had run out of excuses so I had to go. I had attended this conference before and knew that God would move in powerful ways. I was so empty and drained that I didn’t even want to feel God’s presence.
As I sat on the bus, I couldn’t help but think about how radically my life had changed in a matter of just a few weeks. You see I am a planner. I like to know where I am going, how I am going to get there, and the things I need to get there. For the first time in my life, I was planless. I had NO CLUE what was next. All these thoughts consumed me so I figured the best way to feel at peace would be to write. So I grabbed my trusty blackberry and went at it. Here is what I wrote:
Wow, I can't believe that a whole year has passed by yet again! This last year was certainly an interesting one. It was full of many ups and I downs. I do find it ironic that I began the first day of 2010 sobbing because I was so downtrodden and hopeless and then ended the last day of the year sobbing uncontrollably because of finally facing the demons that have haunted me for so long. I am so grateful that Andrew was a part of my life for the past year and was a catalyst to helping me realize how much I needed help. My heart still breaks when I think about what happened to our relationship and I am still mourning over the loss of that relationship. I know that this is where God wants us to be though. It is a daily struggle for me to rely on God and know that everything is as it should be. I have decided that I am going to have a theme verse for this upcoming year and strive to live by that verse every day. That verse is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: " 16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I think that this is something I seriously need to focus on and will be the ideal verse for me to focus on. I also am praying for this upcoming year to be a year of healing for me. I need healing in every single aspect of my life right now. I have never been so broken and despondent. I am so tired of fighting these demons. I want so badly to wake up and be able to praise God simply because he blessed me with another day! I know deep down, I truly have a heart that beats for Christ and desires so so so badly to share his love. It has brought me so much joy to love on other people. I have remarked before that I believe one of my gifts is an incredible capacity to love others. How though can I love others when I can't even love myself? By not loving myself is that not a slap in the face to God? Does that not say to him "I don't like who you have made me" ?? I want to be freed from these demons more than anyone will ever know. I feel like prodigal son who became so desperate that he desired the food that the pigs ate. I am so desperate for any glimmer of relief. I know God has allowed me to walk in this valley though because I am such a stubborn person that God is treating me like peter in Luke 23:31 when he has allowed Satan to sift him as wheat. I know there are things in my heart, mind, and soul that are strongholds and roadblocks to advancing my relationship with Christ. I know that I am in the place I am now because I can't take a hint lol !!! I am grateful though that I am learning to walk through this storm now while I am a single woman with no husband or children to have to drag through this journey with me. It is just Jesus and Me. I know the road is going to be dark and rocky at some points but I know that "God works for the good of those who love him" and that faith even "as small as a mustard seed can move mountains". My faith is small now but not nonexistent! As I am literally on the physical journey to the Passion Conference right now, I am praying that I feel the sweetness of God in my life and I may have a heart full of joy. I know it is going to be a journey but that Christ is walking with me every step of the way. It is my prayer that one year from today I can say that God has done a healing in my life that is something only he could accomplish in my life and that I would be content in the places that he leads me to go. To God be the glory forever and ever!!!!!
To be continued tomorrow…
Monday, April 4, 2011
You never know that God is All you need until God is all you Have Part 3
Part 3
I left off yesterday by saying I had finally made an appointment to talk to the doctor about all the mood swings I had been having. I finally went and as I had predicted, by the time the appointment rolled around, I was resistant to going. You see, my mood and mindset would fluctuate so rapidly it was very scary. The best thing I can describe would be like the play Jekyll and Hyde. One minute I was a kind compassionate person and the next something would cause something to snap and I would become this mean, angry, conniving person. After I would have a “Hyde” moment I would look back at how I had acted and be utterly mortified at how I had acted. I described this all to the doctor and she prescribed me a low-dosage anti-depressant and suggested I seek counseling.
I began taking the medication at the end of July and after about two weeks started to feel better. I was so thrilled at how more in control of my emotions I felt and A even noticed as well. This was good timing because my last semester of college was about to begin in a few weeks and I wanted to be ready to grab it by the horns. A few weeks later I underwent a sinus surgery that left me out of commission for about two weeks and then it was time for my last semester of college began.
I knew going into this last semester that it was going to be very challenging. I was taking 12 hours, writing a thesis, serving as Vice President of New Member Education for my sorority, working 20 hours a week, and attempting to maintain my relationship with A. A and I knew that it would be hard on our relationship but we figured we would have to work that much harder. The semester began well but as things began to get more stressful after the first month of classes I began to feel like I was coming unglued again. My doctor had said that if things became more stressful we could double my dosage on my medication. I doubled my medication but as I did so I began to feel more negative side affects of it. I began to gain weight which ordinarily I was not terribly concerned about my weight, however, this time I had put on so much that my clothes were not fitting me anymore. If you know me, you know that I would rather dress up than wear a t-shirt and tennis shoes. Also most girls have a pair of “fat” jeans that they wear when they are not feeling as svelte. Let’s just say I was wearing t-shirts every day and my fat jeans were even too small.
As time continued on towards the middle of the semester, I also began to feel emotionally numb. I couldn’t really feel anything. I didn't feel as anxious but I was becoming more depressed. I had started going to counseling but it didn’t really seem to help much. A and I began to fight constantly about everything. I think we spent more time upset with each other than happy. My lack of ability to feel emotion really hit our relationship hard as well. I finally decided that it was time to see the doctor again. I felt worse than when I had begun treatment. She put me on a different type of antidepressant and asked that I come back for a follow up in a few weeks.
In those few weeks between starting the new medication and going back to see her, A and I broke up. I hadn’t cried so much in such a small time frame ever before. At first there was not much discussion about it but we then later decided it would just be temporary so we could both finish out our last semester of college with some bit of sanity. We did this for about three weeks and then I just couldn’t take it any more. I was always feeling anxious and awkward because I didn’t know how to act. Here was this person that I loved dearly and wanted to be so devoted too but yet I couldn’t right now, but maybe in a few months? I just couldn’t handle it. There was one day that I knew I needed to approach him about the subject. I had no clue what I was going to say, how I was going to bring it up, or anything. I prayed all day that whatever was supposed to happen would and that the words would not be mine but that God would provide them for me. Well the time came and we were walking back from class and I ended it, right then and there. As I sat in class immediately after I couldn’t believe what I had done, but I knew in my heart that what had happened was how it was supposed to be. I didn’t understand why and I didn’t want too at ALL. This was two days before Thanksgiving; put a pretty big damper on my holiday. I went back to the doctor for the follow up on my new medication and while I felt somewhat better and had begun to drop the extra weight, I still felt miserable. She told me that the depression I was experiencing was getting too serious for her to handle and it was time for me to be referred on to a psychiatrist.
I finished out the rest of my semester barely hanging on by a thread. For the first time ever I made two B’s in one semester, but I did successfully defend and pass my Honors Thesis which was a MASSIVE accomplishment for me (That is a whole blog post in itself ha!). A and I had somewhat rekindled in this time frame and I was confident we would be back together once we both had an idea of what our futures looked like in terms of our careers. I had an appointment to see the psychiatrist a few days after Christmas. Graduation came, I had the big party, wore the sashes and cords, decorated my cap and took a millions photos. Christmas came as well and it a very quiet one spent at my parents’ house. I never would have imagined that my graduation would be the last time my family took a photo as four of us and that it would be our last Christmas together.
I left off yesterday by saying I had finally made an appointment to talk to the doctor about all the mood swings I had been having. I finally went and as I had predicted, by the time the appointment rolled around, I was resistant to going. You see, my mood and mindset would fluctuate so rapidly it was very scary. The best thing I can describe would be like the play Jekyll and Hyde. One minute I was a kind compassionate person and the next something would cause something to snap and I would become this mean, angry, conniving person. After I would have a “Hyde” moment I would look back at how I had acted and be utterly mortified at how I had acted. I described this all to the doctor and she prescribed me a low-dosage anti-depressant and suggested I seek counseling.
I began taking the medication at the end of July and after about two weeks started to feel better. I was so thrilled at how more in control of my emotions I felt and A even noticed as well. This was good timing because my last semester of college was about to begin in a few weeks and I wanted to be ready to grab it by the horns. A few weeks later I underwent a sinus surgery that left me out of commission for about two weeks and then it was time for my last semester of college began.
I knew going into this last semester that it was going to be very challenging. I was taking 12 hours, writing a thesis, serving as Vice President of New Member Education for my sorority, working 20 hours a week, and attempting to maintain my relationship with A. A and I knew that it would be hard on our relationship but we figured we would have to work that much harder. The semester began well but as things began to get more stressful after the first month of classes I began to feel like I was coming unglued again. My doctor had said that if things became more stressful we could double my dosage on my medication. I doubled my medication but as I did so I began to feel more negative side affects of it. I began to gain weight which ordinarily I was not terribly concerned about my weight, however, this time I had put on so much that my clothes were not fitting me anymore. If you know me, you know that I would rather dress up than wear a t-shirt and tennis shoes. Also most girls have a pair of “fat” jeans that they wear when they are not feeling as svelte. Let’s just say I was wearing t-shirts every day and my fat jeans were even too small.
As time continued on towards the middle of the semester, I also began to feel emotionally numb. I couldn’t really feel anything. I didn't feel as anxious but I was becoming more depressed. I had started going to counseling but it didn’t really seem to help much. A and I began to fight constantly about everything. I think we spent more time upset with each other than happy. My lack of ability to feel emotion really hit our relationship hard as well. I finally decided that it was time to see the doctor again. I felt worse than when I had begun treatment. She put me on a different type of antidepressant and asked that I come back for a follow up in a few weeks.
In those few weeks between starting the new medication and going back to see her, A and I broke up. I hadn’t cried so much in such a small time frame ever before. At first there was not much discussion about it but we then later decided it would just be temporary so we could both finish out our last semester of college with some bit of sanity. We did this for about three weeks and then I just couldn’t take it any more. I was always feeling anxious and awkward because I didn’t know how to act. Here was this person that I loved dearly and wanted to be so devoted too but yet I couldn’t right now, but maybe in a few months? I just couldn’t handle it. There was one day that I knew I needed to approach him about the subject. I had no clue what I was going to say, how I was going to bring it up, or anything. I prayed all day that whatever was supposed to happen would and that the words would not be mine but that God would provide them for me. Well the time came and we were walking back from class and I ended it, right then and there. As I sat in class immediately after I couldn’t believe what I had done, but I knew in my heart that what had happened was how it was supposed to be. I didn’t understand why and I didn’t want too at ALL. This was two days before Thanksgiving; put a pretty big damper on my holiday. I went back to the doctor for the follow up on my new medication and while I felt somewhat better and had begun to drop the extra weight, I still felt miserable. She told me that the depression I was experiencing was getting too serious for her to handle and it was time for me to be referred on to a psychiatrist.
I finished out the rest of my semester barely hanging on by a thread. For the first time ever I made two B’s in one semester, but I did successfully defend and pass my Honors Thesis which was a MASSIVE accomplishment for me (That is a whole blog post in itself ha!). A and I had somewhat rekindled in this time frame and I was confident we would be back together once we both had an idea of what our futures looked like in terms of our careers. I had an appointment to see the psychiatrist a few days after Christmas. Graduation came, I had the big party, wore the sashes and cords, decorated my cap and took a millions photos. Christmas came as well and it a very quiet one spent at my parents’ house. I never would have imagined that my graduation would be the last time my family took a photo as four of us and that it would be our last Christmas together.
You never know God is all you need until God is all you have Part 2
Exactly one year today was April 4th, 2010, it was Easter Sunday.
Everything in my life seemed and felt perfect. I even remember taking pictures on that Sunday and looking at them couldn't help but think how "picture perfect" everything felt in my life at that time, and I will say that I was grateful for those blessings. I had a wonderful family who lived 2 miles down the road, the most adorable dogs in the world, working on my second to last semester of school, had a great internship lined up for the summer, a beautifully decorated home, an executive position in my sorority, an incredible boyfriend that worshipped the ground I walked on and we had just become an offiicial couple on this day as well (he was also incredibly handsome, loved his family, was athletic a christian, adored my dogs, my whole family loved him, and he was a good cook!), a 3.9 GPA, a thesis in the works, financially stable, a 12 day vacation planned for that summer, the best friends one could ask for, relatively decent health, and I attended church almost every single Sunday and considered myself to be a fairly devout Christian. Life was GOOD.
I can not help but think how so much can change in simply 365 days. My life is 180 degrees today from where it was last Easter. Where to even begin it is hard to decide. I guess I will pick up from Easter. Well after Easter, summer came and it was by far the best summer of my entire life. I worked at an internship on campus that I absolutely loved and got paid as well so I didn't have to hold down an additional job. The hours were great and I didn't have to work weekends. I spent virtually every spare moment with my boyfriend who from here on out I will refer to as A. We could I guess what you say "played house" all summer. He practically lived with me and we enjoyed having our little family with my two dogs and my house. My roommates were frequently gone so we had the house to ourselves most of the time. We would cook meals, work on the house/yard, take the dogs to the park , go to my family meals etc. It was pure bliss. Like I mentioned previously, he worshiped the ground I walked on. He would do all sorts of things around the house for me and surprise me with things and treat me like a true princess.
-Quick side note-some of you may not know this but when I was in high school I was in a relationship for almost four years. This relationship ended after my first semester of college (Fall 2006) and I had not seriously dated anyone until this point, so it was kinda a big deal.-
I traveled to Florida, the Bahamas, and A's hometown in Virginia to meet all of his family. It was the most incredible trip. I had never felt more in love with a person and believed that I had met the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I also experienced something that was very new to me while I was with his family. That new experience was what is was like to be with a family in a place that felt like home. You see, things in my family of orgin and household had been rocky for a few years, basically since I had moved out and I avoided going there as much as possible. The night before A and I were to travel back to Tennessee, I found myself crying because I didn't want to leave what felt like home. It was the first time I felt like I had ever been "welcomed home" and leaving it was virtually unbearable. This was in early July.
A and I went back to Tennessee and back to our routine of "playing house". After we came back, something had begun to change and we began to get into more disagreements or as I like to say "discussions". We got through it and schlepped it off as the newness just wearing off and various other stressors. Well then one day it happened. A day that I will never forget. I will forever refer to this day as the "Pasta Day". On this particular day, I was about to leave for work and A offered me some leftover pasta that I had wanted him to eat for lunch that day. I lost it. I was literally yelling at him through gritted teeth, "I DON'T WANT THE PASTA!". I left angry and fuming the whole way to work thinking to myself that I was going to end everything that night when I got home. A few hours later at work, I was relaying the story to a coworker who was older than me and somewhat of a mother figure and as I heard the words coming out of my mouth, I couldn't help but think how ridiculous it all sounded.
On this day I realized for the first time that apparently I had a lot of repressed feelings and a major battle to be fought with anxiety and what would eventually also develop into depression. I realized that I was hurting the person I cared for and loved most. I was out of control of my emotions and just flying off the handle for no apparent reason. One minute I could be happy and then the next furious. I was a hot mess. This was what also had been contributing to our increase in "discussions". Truth be told, I had been battling with anxiety since probably about the 4th grade. I told my mom I decided I was ready to get help and for her to keep me accountable. So I made a doctor's appointment and tried to mentally prepare myself. Little did I know that I would be embarking on what would be the begining of a heart wrenching journey.
That is all for part 2. The pictures below are pictures from Easter one year ago. It was a beautiful and incredible day I will never forget.
Everything in my life seemed and felt perfect. I even remember taking pictures on that Sunday and looking at them couldn't help but think how "picture perfect" everything felt in my life at that time, and I will say that I was grateful for those blessings. I had a wonderful family who lived 2 miles down the road, the most adorable dogs in the world, working on my second to last semester of school, had a great internship lined up for the summer, a beautifully decorated home, an executive position in my sorority, an incredible boyfriend that worshipped the ground I walked on and we had just become an offiicial couple on this day as well (he was also incredibly handsome, loved his family, was athletic a christian, adored my dogs, my whole family loved him, and he was a good cook!), a 3.9 GPA, a thesis in the works, financially stable, a 12 day vacation planned for that summer, the best friends one could ask for, relatively decent health, and I attended church almost every single Sunday and considered myself to be a fairly devout Christian. Life was GOOD.
I can not help but think how so much can change in simply 365 days. My life is 180 degrees today from where it was last Easter. Where to even begin it is hard to decide. I guess I will pick up from Easter. Well after Easter, summer came and it was by far the best summer of my entire life. I worked at an internship on campus that I absolutely loved and got paid as well so I didn't have to hold down an additional job. The hours were great and I didn't have to work weekends. I spent virtually every spare moment with my boyfriend who from here on out I will refer to as A. We could I guess what you say "played house" all summer. He practically lived with me and we enjoyed having our little family with my two dogs and my house. My roommates were frequently gone so we had the house to ourselves most of the time. We would cook meals, work on the house/yard, take the dogs to the park , go to my family meals etc. It was pure bliss. Like I mentioned previously, he worshiped the ground I walked on. He would do all sorts of things around the house for me and surprise me with things and treat me like a true princess.
-Quick side note-some of you may not know this but when I was in high school I was in a relationship for almost four years. This relationship ended after my first semester of college (Fall 2006) and I had not seriously dated anyone until this point, so it was kinda a big deal.-
I traveled to Florida, the Bahamas, and A's hometown in Virginia to meet all of his family. It was the most incredible trip. I had never felt more in love with a person and believed that I had met the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I also experienced something that was very new to me while I was with his family. That new experience was what is was like to be with a family in a place that felt like home. You see, things in my family of orgin and household had been rocky for a few years, basically since I had moved out and I avoided going there as much as possible. The night before A and I were to travel back to Tennessee, I found myself crying because I didn't want to leave what felt like home. It was the first time I felt like I had ever been "welcomed home" and leaving it was virtually unbearable. This was in early July.
A and I went back to Tennessee and back to our routine of "playing house". After we came back, something had begun to change and we began to get into more disagreements or as I like to say "discussions". We got through it and schlepped it off as the newness just wearing off and various other stressors. Well then one day it happened. A day that I will never forget. I will forever refer to this day as the "Pasta Day". On this particular day, I was about to leave for work and A offered me some leftover pasta that I had wanted him to eat for lunch that day. I lost it. I was literally yelling at him through gritted teeth, "I DON'T WANT THE PASTA!". I left angry and fuming the whole way to work thinking to myself that I was going to end everything that night when I got home. A few hours later at work, I was relaying the story to a coworker who was older than me and somewhat of a mother figure and as I heard the words coming out of my mouth, I couldn't help but think how ridiculous it all sounded.
On this day I realized for the first time that apparently I had a lot of repressed feelings and a major battle to be fought with anxiety and what would eventually also develop into depression. I realized that I was hurting the person I cared for and loved most. I was out of control of my emotions and just flying off the handle for no apparent reason. One minute I could be happy and then the next furious. I was a hot mess. This was what also had been contributing to our increase in "discussions". Truth be told, I had been battling with anxiety since probably about the 4th grade. I told my mom I decided I was ready to get help and for her to keep me accountable. So I made a doctor's appointment and tried to mentally prepare myself. Little did I know that I would be embarking on what would be the begining of a heart wrenching journey.
That is all for part 2. The pictures below are pictures from Easter one year ago. It was a beautiful and incredible day I will never forget.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
You will never know God is all you need until God is all you have Part 1
Dearest Friends, Readers, Random Strangers out there in cyberspace, and to whomever may stumble upon this,
I am going to share with you the intimate details of a the journey I have been on that I refer to in this blog. I believe that to continue with my healing process that it is time to open up and share what God is teaching me and doing in my life. I do have a disclaimer though. I sincerely ask of anyone reading this that no judgement is placed WHATSOEVER on any of the persons discussed throughout this story. It is not my intention to play martyr and point out the wrongs that have been committed against me. I believe in God's unending Grace and I pray you have that towards me and all those mentioned in this journey. Now before I begin writing, I would like to have a prayer for you, me, and the persons listed in this story.
Most Gracious and Heavenly Father,
You never cease to amaze me. While my heart has doubted you so much you still open you arms every single time I turn back to you. I pray that I may have that same kind of grace to all people I encounter in my life and that the persons reading this story may also show that grace to all people they encounter in their individual lives. Lord it is with tremendous searing pain in my heart that I begin to share about this journey I have been on, but I know deep within the depths of my soul that you are preparing me for something more than I will have ever been able to imagine. I pray that as I share these words that your word would pour through my fingertips, into the computer, onto the screen and into someones heart. Lord I know that I am in a fierce battle of spiritual warfare and I am tired of losing; I pray that on this day, April 3, 2011, I may no longer let Satan over power me but that I will constantly turn to you when I feel the darkness around me. Lord I also pray this for so many people that I love who are involved in this journey who also are in unfathomable battles of spiritual warfare and are walking through the valley of the shadow of death. Lord I pray for the eyes that are reading this story of mine and that if there is a person walking on a similar journey to mine that you would allow them to feel your peace that surpasses all understanding and the presence of the Holy Spirit right now. Lord you know how much I love you and how deeply I want my heart to beat but nothing for Jesus. Let this writing be a ministry that Glorifies you and and your precious son Jesus Christ. Thank you Lord, Thank You , Thank you , Thank you!
In Your Son's Most Precious and Holy Name,
Amen
I am going to share with you the intimate details of a the journey I have been on that I refer to in this blog. I believe that to continue with my healing process that it is time to open up and share what God is teaching me and doing in my life. I do have a disclaimer though. I sincerely ask of anyone reading this that no judgement is placed WHATSOEVER on any of the persons discussed throughout this story. It is not my intention to play martyr and point out the wrongs that have been committed against me. I believe in God's unending Grace and I pray you have that towards me and all those mentioned in this journey. Now before I begin writing, I would like to have a prayer for you, me, and the persons listed in this story.
Most Gracious and Heavenly Father,
You never cease to amaze me. While my heart has doubted you so much you still open you arms every single time I turn back to you. I pray that I may have that same kind of grace to all people I encounter in my life and that the persons reading this story may also show that grace to all people they encounter in their individual lives. Lord it is with tremendous searing pain in my heart that I begin to share about this journey I have been on, but I know deep within the depths of my soul that you are preparing me for something more than I will have ever been able to imagine. I pray that as I share these words that your word would pour through my fingertips, into the computer, onto the screen and into someones heart. Lord I know that I am in a fierce battle of spiritual warfare and I am tired of losing; I pray that on this day, April 3, 2011, I may no longer let Satan over power me but that I will constantly turn to you when I feel the darkness around me. Lord I also pray this for so many people that I love who are involved in this journey who also are in unfathomable battles of spiritual warfare and are walking through the valley of the shadow of death. Lord I pray for the eyes that are reading this story of mine and that if there is a person walking on a similar journey to mine that you would allow them to feel your peace that surpasses all understanding and the presence of the Holy Spirit right now. Lord you know how much I love you and how deeply I want my heart to beat but nothing for Jesus. Let this writing be a ministry that Glorifies you and and your precious son Jesus Christ. Thank you Lord, Thank You , Thank you , Thank you!
In Your Son's Most Precious and Holy Name,
Amen
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