Reflections of 22

This is the continuation of “Finding My Missing Piece”.

I can’t believe that I am now 23 and that another year has gone by. It seriously feels like just a few weeks ago that I was celebrating my 22^nd birthday. I also still have a hard time fathoming everything that has taken place in my life since my birthday last year. I think I posted a little bit of a recap in one of my previous posts. Someone recently told me that I will look back on this season of my life and wonder how in the world I ever made it through. I have one answer: my God, my savior, my faith. Without my relationship with Christ, I really don’t know that I would have been able to be as resilient as I have been through this whole season. My walk hasn’t always been close throughout this whole season but God NEVER let me go, not once.

I know that there is still a long trek ahead of me but the light is beginning to appear at the end of the tunnel. I am moving home this week which will be a drastic change but I believe wholeheartedly that God wants me there. I also am starting my new job this week with VIP Murfreesboro Magazine. My parents’ divorce should also be final any day now- I am stunned at how quickly it has proceeded, but it is actually a huge blessing; we will all now be able to move forward with our lives. Let me tell you, I am beyond terrified of all these changes, but I know that God is faithful and that if I pour my heart into him he will be faithful in return. Yes life won’t be as easy as it has been in the past, but we are not called to live an easy life all the time. This is a season of healing, hard work, perseverance, and most importantly, trusting God fully.

I seriously cannot thank all of those enough who have been so supportive, loving, and encouraging during this season. I look forward to being able to do the same for all of those people in the future. I for once at am a loss of words of what else to say. I guess if I had to sum up everything I have learned/am learning and offer advice to anyone going through a seriously difficult season, I would say that at the end of the day all that matters is that you have your salvation. I remember when I first began college, I said that I wanted to be in a place in my life that if all that I had was the clothes on my back and my salvation that I would be content. Let me tell you, if you truly seek something that is going to bring God glory then it is going to happen. I am thankful I have more than the clothes on my back; however, I do in a certain sense that right now all I do have left is my salvation. Is it easy- No, Am I thankful for what I have learned through it all, YES.

 I am looking forward to 23 and what God will be doing in my life for the next year. I truly want to keep my heart totally poured into him.

I will end this post with a prayer.

Most Gracious and Heavenly Father,

There are no words to express what is in my heart right now and thankful I am that you never let go. Lord I would be nothing without you. I pray that as I begin 23 you lay heavy on my heart the desire to pour myself fully into you. I ask for an unquenchable thirst for your word. I ask for continued contentment. I pray for discernment in all decision making and that everything I say and do will be a reflection of your Love, Mercy, and Grace. Lord I pray that you prepare my heart to be in a relationship with my future husband; prepare his as well and make him into the man that is a reflection of you. I ask for healing for my family and that they will come closer to you. I pray that my heart will earnestly beat for nothing but YOU. Thank You Lord, Thank You, Thank You.

In your son’s most precious holy name, Jesus.

Amen

Finding My Missing Piece

Wow where to even begin this post escapes me! Since I have last posted there are a lot of things that have happened. I will do my best to capture it all.

I just spent the weekend with about 130 7th-12th graders at an event called "Disciple Now". This is a long standing tradition in our youth group. It is a weekend devoted to learning what it means to become a true follower of Christ. I can remember going to my very first disciple now as a 7th grader 11 years ago. It feels like it was just yesterday! I served as a counselor and got to work with a group of 8th graders. I feel like I took as much from the weekend as the youth did. I was excited about going to this event, because as noted in my last post, I was feeling empty and weathered. I was immensely looking forward to being able to be around the body of Christ for an entire weekend. I was also very blessed to be in a host home with a wonderful couple from my church who I believe have a very Godly marriage and are wonderful leaders in the youth group. The theme verse for this weekend was Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

On Friday night the title of the message was "Do Not Conform". If you looked at my life from the outside you would think I was a "Good Girl". Yes I have made my mistakes and sinned in ways that I am very ashamed of, but I have asked for forgiveness and no longer live in those patterns of sin. I have always been the "Good Girl", so I conforming to the patterns of this world didn't seem like it was that big of an issue for me. Ha, boy was I wrong. I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I felt like I was missing something about this whole season of my life that I am in. I know that God is trying to teach me something but I wasn't exactly sure what that is. Well Ladies and Gentlemen, I now believe I have my answer.

A dear Christian mentor of mine and former high school Sunday school teacher of mine was delivering this message on Friday night. He mentioned right in the beginning that there are three things that the Enemy (Satan) will use to get you: Passions, Possessions, and Positions. BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks and so many light bulbs went off in my head that it would have looked like Times Square. That was my missing piece. He went on to say that 1 Peter 5:8 says that "Satan is prowling like a lion".

Somewhere in my life within the past 2-3 years my walk with Christ began to wind down a crooked path. A path where my house, my clothes, my accolades, my school work, dating, the burdens of family problems, work, and everything in between became my God. My passions, possessions, and positions had overtaken my heart. Satan had been prowling around me like the lion, only he didn't devour me all at once but a little bit at a time. You see, I poured my heart and soul into everything except my relationship with Christ. Yes I was still a Christian and went to church and tried to live my life as a Christian should, but I only truly fit God in where is was convenient. I had distorted what the sermon the next evening would focus on, which was God's truth. I had made my own truth and made it to fit my plans and what I thought was good and right for me.

It all makes sense now. I believe that this season in my life is to break me from this life I have been living. You see, I have been living in a life of sin and didn't even realize it. My whole heart was not surrendered to God but to all of these other things and now that they have been all taken from me, I was left feeling empty because I had poured my whole heart into all these other things instead of my relationship with Christ. I know, deep right?

I am still sorting out some of this and making sense of what it all means and what's next. I know that I absolutely have to change my lifestyle and my walk.

To be continued...

22 Going on 83

Well only one more week left of being 22 and I can honestly say I will glad to say "Peace Out 22". I spent a lot of time this evening reflecting about everything that has happened since my last birthday. If you know me well, you know that I am not a very emotional person and let me tell you, this got me. Like I have mentioned before, I still have a hard time comprehending everything that has happened in the last 9 months, let alone a year!

Let's see here if I can recap everything that has happened since my last birthday:

-Had a fairly major sinus surgery a week before my birthday last year and a very difficult recovery and wasn't cleared until December.

-Started seeing a counselor for the first time.

-Held the position of VP II-New Member Educator for Zeta.

-Finished my college degree/graduated.

-Wrote and defended my honors thesis.

-Experienced a major break up that ended up going back and forth for six months after the initial breakup.

-Have been on five different anti-depressants and two sleep medications.

-Watched my family fall apart with my parents' divorce and ailing grandparents.

-Worked over 40 hours a week with two jobs for about 4 months.

-Got laid off from one of those jobs.

-Put over $1000 into car repairs.

-Decided to move home after being on my own for 4 years.

-Gained about 20 pounds.

-Had Mono.

I feel like this only scratches the surface of everything I have experienced over the past year, thus the title of this post. I don't feel like I am about to turn 23. I feel like I am about to turn 83. My therapist this week even posed that the thought that my life would probably never be as difficult again as it has been in the past year. Oh and did I mention that I was essentially financially supporting myself through this whole process? I feel old. I feel tired. I feel empty. I want to be taken care of for once instead of me having to take care of everything and everyone else.

I know God works in supernatural ways we can't understand. I know that this is a just a season. I know that it is preparing me for something great. I know these things but I feel weathered. I think that word truly sums it up. I think of an old leather shoe or bag, worn out, dried up, maybe has some tattered edges, and is faded.

 This is my new struggle. I have my faith in a good place but how am I to find that "renewing of the spirit" and let my cup overflow? I deeply desire to be serving others, maintain a positive attitude/outlook, be more involved in my church, be a better friend, daughter, sister , etc. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them. I want to be made whole again.

I have to confess, I actually removed my birthday from facebook a few days ago because I didn't want people to remember it was my birthday. I didn't want people wishing me well and happiness because I know my life isn't in a good place right now. I felt like with every "Happy Birthday" and well wish given to me, it was going to be one more reminder of where my life is right now and that I am not happy or doing well. I know that is a sad sad sad mindset but it just exemplifies how truly weathered I feel. I put it back up by the way, although I still have some crazy mixed emotions about this upcoming birthday (that'll be a post for another day).

I have been praying a lot lately about this particular new struggle I am experiencing. I am praying that God will make me whole again and to give me a positive mindset and outlook on life. I know this will all end at some point, it is just surviving the storm right now.

As always, please continue to pray for me and my family. God is moving in a very wonderful way, so I should have a more positive post with good news next time I post :) .

Until next time, blessings to you all!