My oh my, it has been a while! I realized I had not updated in a while but I did not realize that it had been two weeks! The sad part is that I really have not even been all that busy, I simply have not sat down and taken the time to write. When I write these posts I want to be focused and feel like I have enough time to put all my thoughts down.
The biggest update I have is that I got a part time job! I will working for Middle Tennessee Medical Center part time starting next week! This is the position I originally applied for and was told they would not be hiring anyone; however, the job was reposted about a week ago as part time. I feel very blessed to have this opportunity. I also have an additional part time job opportunity but I do not want to say what just in case is does not work out. I go in this week to do paperwork and then do orientation next week! I am nervous but excited as well. Other than that, everything else has been about the same. I visited my good friend Elizabeth last weekend in Knoxville and we had so much fun! I also have had a great weekend as well. I did an overhaul on my room Friday night and am in the early planning stages of redecorating. Also on Friday, one of my sorority sisters that I grew very close to came over and we got to spend some time catching up. Saturday was pretty busy for me! Saturday morning I went and had brunch with my Dad at his favorite place, Stones River Grill, and then toured Oakland's Mansion with my dear friends Elizabeth and Brittany. Saturday evening I attended the musical Jekyll and Hyde at Murfreesboro Little Theater to see my roommate perform. Today I went to church and Sunday school and then spent the afternoon visiting with my grandfather at my house. I am pretty tired but grateful for the great weekend.
God is still teaching me a vast amount of lessons and doing an absolutely tremendous work in my life right now. I continue to feel that I am being healed one day at time. I know I have a long journey ahead of me and that there are still tough days ahead but I find my faith continually growing each day. I was very affirmed today because the sermon at church was on the passage from 1 Corinthians about building your foundation upon Christ that I had discussed in one of my previous blog posts. I felt like God was saying to me "Yes Chloe, you are on the right track! Don't give up, keep replacing the faulty bricks in your foundation with firm ones built out of my word, truths, and love.
This week God spoke to me through one of the Bible stories that most children learn very early on in their lives, the story of Noah. Now again, if a child is raised in the Church they have heard this story probably for most of their lives. During one of my devotionals this week in The Purpose Driven Life , the story of Noah was referenced. This particular lesson was focusing on surrendering to God. Though I was familiar with story, the devotional pointed out that Noah did not even question when God asked him to build an ark. Now I did a little bit of math, and according to the scripture the ark was supposed to be 450 feet long which is 150 yards-that would be 1.5 football fields!!!! I don't know about you but I do not think I would take that and go for it. Noah though did not question God at all. After I read this all I could think to myself is I need to be like Noah. I need to be willing to take whatever God tells me to do and accept it as truth and do it. Noah was also chosen by God to do this task because he loved God and found favor in his eyes. This made met think to myself that sometimes when we go through some phases/trials in our lives, we may not know at that particular moment what God has in store for us because of that phase, trial, or difficult task. Noah knew that God was going to wipe out the whole human race except for him and his family, can you imagine the equivalent work/blessing God would do in our lives if we trusted him as much as Noah did??? This old testament story just became so alive to me for the first time. I really believe God was speaking something pretty deep into my heart with this story. God also did a pretty cool thing in with this story as well. In this story, a reference is made to the 2nd month on the 17th day of that month as the day that the earth began to flood. Well ladies and gents, I read this very passage on February 17th. Did you just get chills, because I did when I realized this. I am not sure why God chose for this to happen but it did for some reason. As I have often been told "There is no such thing as irony in the kingdom of heaven".
My final thought is one that also came from this same lesson on surrendering our lives to Christ. Even Jesus himself prayed the night before his death "Father take away this cup from me" but he then followed that statement with "Not my will be done, but your will be done". My prayer is that though I face various "cups" in my life right now and I like Jesus have prayed that they be taken from me, but I pray that I can be wholeheartedly say as Christ did "Not my will be done, but your will be done".
Thank you Lord for having such mercy and grace on me, despite me being such a sinner. Thank you Jesus for your healing powers and for carrying me through this journey, I love you so much and desire so greatly for every beat of my heart and breath from my lungs be done for your glory. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Amen
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."
It has been a pretty good weekend a must say!
Friday night I picked up one of my dearest friends, Porsche, from the airport and enjoyed catching up with her at Toot's! On Saturday I slept later than intended because I did not sleep well again. I went out shopping with my mom for some new running shoes, as they were a part of my Christmas gift, we just had not gotten around to shopping yet; we also picked up some embroidery I had done (see pictures below). I finally found a pair that I am hoping will work, I have some weird feet so I have to be very selective in my activewear shoes. After we were done, I went back home and got ready to go out to eat with some of my Zeta sisters before step show! I was so proud of our girls, they were so classy and did an amazing performance! Today I went to Sunday School and Church followed by an exceptionally long nap. I also attended a superbowl party with my family which leads to a rather humerous story.
For the Superbowl, my family was invited to the home of some of our friends who live around the corner from my parents. There was so much food and it was soooooo good! Well in this house they have a home movie theater in their basement. It is awesome to say the least, the screen is aproximately 12 x 5 feet. Well also in this home theater they have these super awesome movie theater seats. I was sitting in one of these awesome chairs and excused myself during the 3rd quarter to each some chili. After I finished my chili, I went back down to the basement to reclaim my super awesome movie theter seat. One thing I failed to mention is that these seats were on a platform and the room was pitch black...you probably have an idea of where this is going...Also being the diva I am, I decided to look cute and wear high hieels to this party.
Pitch Black Room+ High Heels + A ledge+ the most ungraceful person in the world = Chloe falling flat on her face
Yes so who needs half time entertainment when you have me?! If you are wondering, I am ok, a little bruised up but all in all I could not quit laughing. My poor mom wanted so badly to laugh but she knew she shouldn't! Once she saw that I was laughing we did laugh together. I will be sure to post a picture of the nasty bruise I know I am going to have on my arm. I am thankful I had a water bottle in my hand instead of my plastic cup with coke from earlier! That would have been one big disaster! All in all it was a nice evening and I am very grateful to the Wright Family for inviting my family and me over this evening. I am now sitting at home about to nurse my bruised arm watching Glee with my roommate and two very sleepy puppies. I have never really followed this show but I really like it! I think I might just be hooked!
I must admit, I have been a little behind on my devotionals this weekend so I do not have much deep insight for this particular post except God is very faithful. I feel so blessed with all he has given me and I know if I keep striving to glorify him and asking him for my life to glorify him that he will be faithful to me. I know things are hard for me right now but I know that every day God heals me a little bit more and my faith grows more too. I am thankful for how deelply he is stirring within my heart right now and for speaking to me so loudly! This is where my title for my post came from today. Even though I tripped and fell in front of everyone, being able to genuinely laugh uncontrollably was one of the best feelings I have had in a really long time.
"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:21
May God open your heart to his Blessings that he has given you this week!
Friday night I picked up one of my dearest friends, Porsche, from the airport and enjoyed catching up with her at Toot's! On Saturday I slept later than intended because I did not sleep well again. I went out shopping with my mom for some new running shoes, as they were a part of my Christmas gift, we just had not gotten around to shopping yet; we also picked up some embroidery I had done (see pictures below). I finally found a pair that I am hoping will work, I have some weird feet so I have to be very selective in my activewear shoes. After we were done, I went back home and got ready to go out to eat with some of my Zeta sisters before step show! I was so proud of our girls, they were so classy and did an amazing performance! Today I went to Sunday School and Church followed by an exceptionally long nap. I also attended a superbowl party with my family which leads to a rather humerous story.
For the Superbowl, my family was invited to the home of some of our friends who live around the corner from my parents. There was so much food and it was soooooo good! Well in this house they have a home movie theater in their basement. It is awesome to say the least, the screen is aproximately 12 x 5 feet. Well also in this home theater they have these super awesome movie theater seats. I was sitting in one of these awesome chairs and excused myself during the 3rd quarter to each some chili. After I finished my chili, I went back down to the basement to reclaim my super awesome movie theter seat. One thing I failed to mention is that these seats were on a platform and the room was pitch black...you probably have an idea of where this is going...Also being the diva I am, I decided to look cute and wear high hieels to this party.
Pitch Black Room+ High Heels + A ledge+ the most ungraceful person in the world = Chloe falling flat on her face
Yes so who needs half time entertainment when you have me?! If you are wondering, I am ok, a little bruised up but all in all I could not quit laughing. My poor mom wanted so badly to laugh but she knew she shouldn't! Once she saw that I was laughing we did laugh together. I will be sure to post a picture of the nasty bruise I know I am going to have on my arm. I am thankful I had a water bottle in my hand instead of my plastic cup with coke from earlier! That would have been one big disaster! All in all it was a nice evening and I am very grateful to the Wright Family for inviting my family and me over this evening. I am now sitting at home about to nurse my bruised arm watching Glee with my roommate and two very sleepy puppies. I have never really followed this show but I really like it! I think I might just be hooked!
I must admit, I have been a little behind on my devotionals this weekend so I do not have much deep insight for this particular post except God is very faithful. I feel so blessed with all he has given me and I know if I keep striving to glorify him and asking him for my life to glorify him that he will be faithful to me. I know things are hard for me right now but I know that every day God heals me a little bit more and my faith grows more too. I am thankful for how deelply he is stirring within my heart right now and for speaking to me so loudly! This is where my title for my post came from today. Even though I tripped and fell in front of everyone, being able to genuinely laugh uncontrollably was one of the best feelings I have had in a really long time.
"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:21
May God open your heart to his Blessings that he has given you this week!
These were both items I already owned and then had them emroidered at embroid me of Murfreesboro. I was so pleased with how they both turned out! I am very excited to wear the apron during some tailgating at MT games this fall! I also feel so fancy now that I have a monogrammed bath robe as well :)
Also this was so cute, I just could not resist! As I was sitting here writing, Georgia was so sleepy she was falling asleep with her head up! They are both of her. So sweet, love my baby girls!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Thirsting for the Word
Hello Friends!
I know I am a little behind! The past two days have consisted of a lot of sleeping, running erands, working on things around the house and Doctor's appointments. As mentioned previously, I am having a hard time with sleep right now because I do not feel like I am getting restful sleep due to vivid dreams. I woke up this morning after almost 8 hours of sleep and had to go back to sleep because I felt like I had not slept in days! I am just grateful that I have this time off to try and adjust to my medication and do have the time to get the rest I need.
I feel like I have this continual thought process going on in my head of what I want to write on there but then when I sit down to write I can not think of any of it, ha! I guess that is what we call writer's block. I am just going to go with what is on my mind at the moment and maybe it will all come back to me!
I have started reading the book called The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. It was extremely popular when it first came out about nine years ago. I borrowed it from Caitlin a couple of years ago and am just now getting a chance to read it. It is not a book you read chapters at a time though, it is a 40 day journey so you only read a few pages each day. I really believe God works in the most mysterious ways. This book has been sitting on my night stand for literally over a year and the other day I decided it would be a good time to start reading it since I have the time to commit to it right now. I don't know much about Rick Warren but after only reading for three days, all I can say is WOAH. I truly believe these words came straight from God through Rick's fingers. I would like to share a poem with you from Day 2 that really touched me as is seem to spell out everything I have been going through during this journey of mine.
You are who you are for a reason.
You are part of an intense plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what He wanted to make.
The parents you have are the ones He chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's Plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.
No, the trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you'd grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God.
Written by Russel Kelfer
I just felt like this came straight out of my heart and was able to say some things I have not been able to say and that there was someone else who might trip up on this blog and need that poem.
The title of this post is "Thirsting for the Word". I have been extremely convicted since 2011 began to really dig deep into the Word of God. It is not that I do not like reading it, quite the contrary, but as I have shared, I have not devoted my time and heart like I should have been to reading the scriptures. One of my daily prayers has been that God would give me an unquenchable thirst for the Word. Well again, when you ask in accordance with God's desires, he gives! I have been reading things I have read over and over before and seeing things through completely different eyes. I recently had a conversation with my Grandma, who is by far one of the people I respect and admire most, and she commented that one of the great things about the Bible is that we can read it over and over and each time learn something different from it. Also one thing I believe is that God will point you to a specific scripture for a reason. For instance the other day I wanted to start a new book in the Bible so I came upon 1 Corinthians and felt God say, "Alrighty Chloe, read/study this book right now". So I was like Ok! Also if you didn't know, my name is in 1 Corinthians 1:11 :) .
I have shared some of the things that have touched me so far but one today came a me literally like a cast iron frying pan. I literally think my heart stopped for about 2.5 seconds and I backed up and reread the passage. It was from 1 Corinthians Chapter 7. Here in this chapter Paul is writing about marriage. He talks about how it is better to not be married but if you can not control your desires it is better to marry than to burn with those desires. That was nothing new to me, again I had read this, heard sermons on it etc. However, one particular verse really stood out to me. It was verses 32-35 and 35 is what really struck me. Here is is:
32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
As noted, I am coming out of a break-up and still healing from that and while I have come a long way, it is still hard at times, especially with the upcoming Holiday, to not feel the loneliness of being single. I am also in a stage of my life where many of peers are getting engaged and married. I even at one point decided I was never going to get married because I was so tired of getting hurt that it was easier to lock up my heart and protect it than share and also if I set my expectations of a man so high it would be easier to continually say there is no one out there for me. Well this verse totally rocked my world and perception of all that. This told me "Chloe, it is ok to get married, and you will one day but do not be concerned about that right now. Right now God is doing a work in you that he can not do if you are married or in a dating relationship." Even at this moment as I write this, I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit upon me affirming this in my heart. It is truly one of the most comforting things and thoughts and conversations with God I have had in a long time. Oh and get this, my itunes is on shuffle right now and the song "Walk By Faith" by Jeremy Camp just came on...God has a history with me of always playing this song when I really need to hear from him. As my dear friend/Second Mom Mrs. Jeanie says "There is no such thing as irony in the kingdom of heaven". I don't have much else to say except if you are struggling, keep holding on, God is right there with you.
To God be the Glory Forever and Ever!
Blessing to you loved ones!
I know I am a little behind! The past two days have consisted of a lot of sleeping, running erands, working on things around the house and Doctor's appointments. As mentioned previously, I am having a hard time with sleep right now because I do not feel like I am getting restful sleep due to vivid dreams. I woke up this morning after almost 8 hours of sleep and had to go back to sleep because I felt like I had not slept in days! I am just grateful that I have this time off to try and adjust to my medication and do have the time to get the rest I need.
I feel like I have this continual thought process going on in my head of what I want to write on there but then when I sit down to write I can not think of any of it, ha! I guess that is what we call writer's block. I am just going to go with what is on my mind at the moment and maybe it will all come back to me!
I have started reading the book called The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. It was extremely popular when it first came out about nine years ago. I borrowed it from Caitlin a couple of years ago and am just now getting a chance to read it. It is not a book you read chapters at a time though, it is a 40 day journey so you only read a few pages each day. I really believe God works in the most mysterious ways. This book has been sitting on my night stand for literally over a year and the other day I decided it would be a good time to start reading it since I have the time to commit to it right now. I don't know much about Rick Warren but after only reading for three days, all I can say is WOAH. I truly believe these words came straight from God through Rick's fingers. I would like to share a poem with you from Day 2 that really touched me as is seem to spell out everything I have been going through during this journey of mine.You are who you are for a reason.
You are part of an intense plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what He wanted to make.
The parents you have are the ones He chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's Plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.
No, the trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you'd grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God.
Written by Russel Kelfer
I just felt like this came straight out of my heart and was able to say some things I have not been able to say and that there was someone else who might trip up on this blog and need that poem.
The title of this post is "Thirsting for the Word". I have been extremely convicted since 2011 began to really dig deep into the Word of God. It is not that I do not like reading it, quite the contrary, but as I have shared, I have not devoted my time and heart like I should have been to reading the scriptures. One of my daily prayers has been that God would give me an unquenchable thirst for the Word. Well again, when you ask in accordance with God's desires, he gives! I have been reading things I have read over and over before and seeing things through completely different eyes. I recently had a conversation with my Grandma, who is by far one of the people I respect and admire most, and she commented that one of the great things about the Bible is that we can read it over and over and each time learn something different from it. Also one thing I believe is that God will point you to a specific scripture for a reason. For instance the other day I wanted to start a new book in the Bible so I came upon 1 Corinthians and felt God say, "Alrighty Chloe, read/study this book right now". So I was like Ok! Also if you didn't know, my name is in 1 Corinthians 1:11 :) .
I have shared some of the things that have touched me so far but one today came a me literally like a cast iron frying pan. I literally think my heart stopped for about 2.5 seconds and I backed up and reread the passage. It was from 1 Corinthians Chapter 7. Here in this chapter Paul is writing about marriage. He talks about how it is better to not be married but if you can not control your desires it is better to marry than to burn with those desires. That was nothing new to me, again I had read this, heard sermons on it etc. However, one particular verse really stood out to me. It was verses 32-35 and 35 is what really struck me. Here is is:
32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
As noted, I am coming out of a break-up and still healing from that and while I have come a long way, it is still hard at times, especially with the upcoming Holiday, to not feel the loneliness of being single. I am also in a stage of my life where many of peers are getting engaged and married. I even at one point decided I was never going to get married because I was so tired of getting hurt that it was easier to lock up my heart and protect it than share and also if I set my expectations of a man so high it would be easier to continually say there is no one out there for me. Well this verse totally rocked my world and perception of all that. This told me "Chloe, it is ok to get married, and you will one day but do not be concerned about that right now. Right now God is doing a work in you that he can not do if you are married or in a dating relationship." Even at this moment as I write this, I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit upon me affirming this in my heart. It is truly one of the most comforting things and thoughts and conversations with God I have had in a long time. Oh and get this, my itunes is on shuffle right now and the song "Walk By Faith" by Jeremy Camp just came on...God has a history with me of always playing this song when I really need to hear from him. As my dear friend/Second Mom Mrs. Jeanie says "There is no such thing as irony in the kingdom of heaven". I don't have much else to say except if you are struggling, keep holding on, God is right there with you.
To God be the Glory Forever and Ever!
Blessing to you loved ones!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
When you truly ask, God truly gives!
Wow, all I can say about the past two days is WOAH....As I mentioned in my last post, I did not get the job that I was really hoping/counting on getting. Yesterday (Tuesday) it really hit me that I was back to square 1 and had to start all over again. I just felt so low yesterday and could barely muster up the strength to even get cleaned up for the day, it probably didn't help that is was super rainy and nasty outside as well.
Brittany and I went to her boyfriend's family's hardware store to get the remaining concrete blocks I needed for my backyard. He was so sweet and put them straight in my car for me! When we got back, I got cleaned up and then went to fill out an application for substitute teaching. After I got back home, I was so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. Side note to interject here as well, I am on a medication that one of the side effects is vivid dreams so I do not always feel rested even if I have had 8+ hours of sleep. I ended up sleeping for over 2.5 hours. When I finally woke up, I still just felt so down about the job that I just stayed in bed for the rest of the evening induced into a TV coma. Around 10:15 I did venture out of my house to Sonic, because nothing helps a down trodden spirit like a Sonic drink! Well in the middle of my Sonic trip, all that pent up emotion from the day came pouring out during a phone conversation with my mom. I don't want to get into the nitty gritty of it all but I know the car hop must have thought I was crazy, sitting in my car at Sonic at 10:30 crying...I pulled myself together enough to drive home and sneak in without my roommates noticing that I had been crying/was upset and once again barricaded myself in my bedroom and "wallowed in my sorrows" (I will be using this phrase quite often : P ). I had my pity party and then ended up talking for several hours with my former boyfriend. I will keep the details of this conversation private out of respect for him, but I will say that it was a much needed conversation. I appreciate him staying up until the most ridiculous hours of the morning talking with me as I continue on this journey of mine.
Now you may be wondering what the title of this particular post means. Today (Wednesday) I have somewhat had my head screwed back on straight and was able to get my focus back on God and out of that nasty pit I was in Tuesday. I have been praying very fervently that God would turn my life into something that glorified the name of Jesus in all that I do and that he would put me where he wants me. I believe that not getting that job I really wanted was a way of him saying to me "Ok Chloe, How much faith do you really have in me? How fully do you trust me?" . I will be honest, it is not easy. I told my dear friend Brittany the other night during our conversation that I truly believe being unemployed right now/since graduation is right where God wants me. I know many people may view this as laziness or lack of ambition, but my heart, body, mind and soul are in some SERIOUS need of healing (thus my journey I keep referring too). At some point I will share some more of the specifics of this journey but I am not quite ready yet. Anyways, back to my point, I realized that I have been going 100 miles an hour since I was about 12 years old. Yes there have been periods of vacation but I just have been go, go , go and never really let my walk with Christ "set" and become firm. I was convicted of this during my quiet time this morning when I came across this passage :
1 Corinthians 3:10-14
10 By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should build with care. 11 For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12 If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13 their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. 14 If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. 15 If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames.
This passage reminded me of a sermon I heard by John Piper while attending Passion 2011 earlier this year. The whole message talked about making Christ our foundation and not doing things, even though they may be done in Christian love, to bring ourselves glory but because that is what Christ calls us to do because Christ is to be the foundation of all we do. I realized that my foundation is clearly very broken right now and I am slowly rebuilding it day by day, one concrete block (ha ha ha, I know I am so funny & punny-if you don't get this ready my entry from the previous Saturday) at a time. With every block that I put back on my foundation, I want with every fiber of my being for it to be nothing but a reflection of Christ. I have been in such a place in this journey of mine that on some days (much like the one I had yesterday) literally all I felt like I had was Jesus. I would just imagine myself sitting at his feet saying "Please Lord, do with me what you will but free me from my bondage but let me glorify you in the process". I was really convicted about this too recently when I read an article about God's timing. I think I may have put the quote on one of my entries since I started this blogging but in summary it said that when we suffer/are waiting on God's timing, we shouldn't ask God to get us through to the end but to simply just keep our eyes focused on him. Click here to read the outline of Dr. Stanley's outline of a sermon he preached on this (I am almost positive this is the same outline he used for the article).
If you haven't picked up yet, I am quite a long winded person. I can not say things in a simple way, I like to go on and on when I speak and write. I actually struggled a bit with writing in college because of this! The whole point of everything I just said above is that I have been asking God to change my heart and to let me be only a reflection of Christ. I believe that through everything I am experiencing right now is because Christ is working in me. As I mentioned above, I have always been such a busy body that I did not make the time for scripture, prayer, and mediation with God like I needed. Now, I have nothing but time. It has been amazing to see what God has been able to do in such a short amount of time, I have to be faithful in return though and know that he is going to provide a job in his timing as well as the many other prayers I have been uplifting during this journey.
Well I know I still haven't talked about the Beatitudes lol, but maybe one day when there is nothing else eventful and worth discussing I will finally blog about it. For now though, I believe it is time for me to call it a night, old grandma Chloe didn't get a nap today! I will end this post on a lighter note though with a few pictures from my day today.
Sweet Blessings to you all! (like all 3 of you that read this : D)
Brittany and I went to her boyfriend's family's hardware store to get the remaining concrete blocks I needed for my backyard. He was so sweet and put them straight in my car for me! When we got back, I got cleaned up and then went to fill out an application for substitute teaching. After I got back home, I was so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. Side note to interject here as well, I am on a medication that one of the side effects is vivid dreams so I do not always feel rested even if I have had 8+ hours of sleep. I ended up sleeping for over 2.5 hours. When I finally woke up, I still just felt so down about the job that I just stayed in bed for the rest of the evening induced into a TV coma. Around 10:15 I did venture out of my house to Sonic, because nothing helps a down trodden spirit like a Sonic drink! Well in the middle of my Sonic trip, all that pent up emotion from the day came pouring out during a phone conversation with my mom. I don't want to get into the nitty gritty of it all but I know the car hop must have thought I was crazy, sitting in my car at Sonic at 10:30 crying...I pulled myself together enough to drive home and sneak in without my roommates noticing that I had been crying/was upset and once again barricaded myself in my bedroom and "wallowed in my sorrows" (I will be using this phrase quite often : P ). I had my pity party and then ended up talking for several hours with my former boyfriend. I will keep the details of this conversation private out of respect for him, but I will say that it was a much needed conversation. I appreciate him staying up until the most ridiculous hours of the morning talking with me as I continue on this journey of mine.
Now you may be wondering what the title of this particular post means. Today (Wednesday) I have somewhat had my head screwed back on straight and was able to get my focus back on God and out of that nasty pit I was in Tuesday. I have been praying very fervently that God would turn my life into something that glorified the name of Jesus in all that I do and that he would put me where he wants me. I believe that not getting that job I really wanted was a way of him saying to me "Ok Chloe, How much faith do you really have in me? How fully do you trust me?" . I will be honest, it is not easy. I told my dear friend Brittany the other night during our conversation that I truly believe being unemployed right now/since graduation is right where God wants me. I know many people may view this as laziness or lack of ambition, but my heart, body, mind and soul are in some SERIOUS need of healing (thus my journey I keep referring too). At some point I will share some more of the specifics of this journey but I am not quite ready yet. Anyways, back to my point, I realized that I have been going 100 miles an hour since I was about 12 years old. Yes there have been periods of vacation but I just have been go, go , go and never really let my walk with Christ "set" and become firm. I was convicted of this during my quiet time this morning when I came across this passage :
1 Corinthians 3:10-14
10 By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should build with care. 11 For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12 If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13 their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. 14 If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. 15 If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames.
This passage reminded me of a sermon I heard by John Piper while attending Passion 2011 earlier this year. The whole message talked about making Christ our foundation and not doing things, even though they may be done in Christian love, to bring ourselves glory but because that is what Christ calls us to do because Christ is to be the foundation of all we do. I realized that my foundation is clearly very broken right now and I am slowly rebuilding it day by day, one concrete block (ha ha ha, I know I am so funny & punny-if you don't get this ready my entry from the previous Saturday) at a time. With every block that I put back on my foundation, I want with every fiber of my being for it to be nothing but a reflection of Christ. I have been in such a place in this journey of mine that on some days (much like the one I had yesterday) literally all I felt like I had was Jesus. I would just imagine myself sitting at his feet saying "Please Lord, do with me what you will but free me from my bondage but let me glorify you in the process". I was really convicted about this too recently when I read an article about God's timing. I think I may have put the quote on one of my entries since I started this blogging but in summary it said that when we suffer/are waiting on God's timing, we shouldn't ask God to get us through to the end but to simply just keep our eyes focused on him. Click here to read the outline of Dr. Stanley's outline of a sermon he preached on this (I am almost positive this is the same outline he used for the article).
If you haven't picked up yet, I am quite a long winded person. I can not say things in a simple way, I like to go on and on when I speak and write. I actually struggled a bit with writing in college because of this! The whole point of everything I just said above is that I have been asking God to change my heart and to let me be only a reflection of Christ. I believe that through everything I am experiencing right now is because Christ is working in me. As I mentioned above, I have always been such a busy body that I did not make the time for scripture, prayer, and mediation with God like I needed. Now, I have nothing but time. It has been amazing to see what God has been able to do in such a short amount of time, I have to be faithful in return though and know that he is going to provide a job in his timing as well as the many other prayers I have been uplifting during this journey.
Well I know I still haven't talked about the Beatitudes lol, but maybe one day when there is nothing else eventful and worth discussing I will finally blog about it. For now though, I believe it is time for me to call it a night, old grandma Chloe didn't get a nap today! I will end this post on a lighter note though with a few pictures from my day today.
Sweet Blessings to you all! (like all 3 of you that read this : D)
 |
| This was some very delicious homemade peach cobbler I had at church this evening! |
 |
| While I was gone today, my mischievous little dog Georgia decided to get on top of the counters and in turn knocked off a glass pitcher that was sitting on the counter, talk about a mess to clean up! I found dirt and puppy paw prints on the counter tops to prove it! |
 |
| But, I couldn't stay mad at her too long, because she is just so stinkin cute! |
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Praising God through Gritted Teeth
Well today has been to put it simply, quite a mix of emotions. I know I said I was going to talk about the sermon about the Beatitudes but that it going to get delayed again. I am pretty drained at the moment and would like nothing more than to slip into a TV induced coma, however, I am going to push through that and do my best to reflect on this day.
Today started out great, I woke up feeling pretty good and had a really wonderful quiet time with God and set off about my day which included a trip to the nail salon and a visit to my old place of employment. I had a great visit with some of my old coworkers. Let me interject here to say that I had been waiting on a call since last week to find out if I had gotten a job that I had interviewed for. Well in the middle of my visit I got the call. The information I got was that they had decided not to hire anyone for this position and they were only going to keep the current employees and rework their schedules. This was a huge disappointment. I had really been hoping that this job would work out because it was everything I had been looking for in a job. It was 40 hours a week, benefit eligble, and the type of job I would be able to work and not have to take home with me at the end of the day. In my prayer time this morning, I prayed that God would allow me to live in a way that would glorify the name of Jesus. Well when you truly ask for something, God answers. As I got back into my car I wanted to say "Really God, Really? Why, I have been through so much lately, can't you just cut me a break for once?" , instead I through gritted teeth (metaphorically speaking) said "Ok God, you know what is best for me and the plan for my life and this job wasn't in it".
After a few more errands, I made my way home, trying my best to stay positive and trust that God was in control. I got back into bed with my pups, as I was still not feeling well from yesterday, and began the job hunt again. At some point earlier in the the day, a verse from a song I had sang in choir came to me. It was from Psalm 139. I looked this up and it proved to be tremendous comfort. Here is that verse:
Psalm 139
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
This particular Pslam to me feels like aloe does on an intense sunburn. It calms and brings peace to a tormenting heart, such as the way mine felt today. Also as I was falling asleep last night, my sweet puppy Savannah fell asleep on my arm and I looked her and thanked God for even the simpilest blessings. I think that God provides these so many times throughout even our entire day. This is something I have been trying to remember today in the midst of my disappointment, that I still have so much I am blessed with and one job rejection should not be the end of the world for me.
Later in the evening, I was able to go to a basketball game to watch my little sister cheer and then have frozen yogurt at Sweet Ce-Ce's (which is AH-MAZING) with my two life long best friends, Caitlin and Brittany. One of the things I have emjoyed most about graduating from college is being able to spend time with them, as well as my other close friends. After we finished, Brittany drove me back home and we had a long visit and conversation about this journey of healing I have been embarking upon. At some point I will explain what this whole journey has been about but for now, we will just say it is a "trifecta" of factors that I am currently dealing with. It has been very hard for me to open up about this journey and it still is, thus one of the reasons I am writing this blog. We had a long chat and again I feel so blessed because she reminded me that I have some incredible friends in my life who I will always be able to trust and who walk with me no matter what. While I have always known this, something about this particular conversation we had made it even more reassuring. I struggle a lot with trust and with my "trifecta" right now trusting people has been even more difficult as I have been very let down by people who I thought I was close too and whom I thought should have been able to trust. Ultimately, I know I have to trust God before I will be able to trust anyone else and I fully admit I do not trust God like I should. Years of let down by various people on earth has led me to live a life that generally trusts no one. My prayer every day is that God would heal my heart and I would be able to fully trust him with my life.
I know this seems like more of a debbie downer post but this is truly my life right now. I am in such this crossroads where I know I can choose to take the narrow path or fall down the path of darkness. I desperately more than anything in this world want and desire to live a life that fully reflects the heart of Jesus Christ. I am begining to be at the point where I am ready to abadon my heart to Christ and do whatever he wants me to do in order to accomplish that. This is so scary to me as I am quite the control freak but I just love Jesus so much, I want this so badly. Like a story my pastor told at church yesterday, a little girl asked her mom that if God was so big he could hold the world in his hands yet he lived in each of us, doesn't that mean he should shine through us? This is what I want....
Today started out great, I woke up feeling pretty good and had a really wonderful quiet time with God and set off about my day which included a trip to the nail salon and a visit to my old place of employment. I had a great visit with some of my old coworkers. Let me interject here to say that I had been waiting on a call since last week to find out if I had gotten a job that I had interviewed for. Well in the middle of my visit I got the call. The information I got was that they had decided not to hire anyone for this position and they were only going to keep the current employees and rework their schedules. This was a huge disappointment. I had really been hoping that this job would work out because it was everything I had been looking for in a job. It was 40 hours a week, benefit eligble, and the type of job I would be able to work and not have to take home with me at the end of the day. In my prayer time this morning, I prayed that God would allow me to live in a way that would glorify the name of Jesus. Well when you truly ask for something, God answers. As I got back into my car I wanted to say "Really God, Really? Why, I have been through so much lately, can't you just cut me a break for once?" , instead I through gritted teeth (metaphorically speaking) said "Ok God, you know what is best for me and the plan for my life and this job wasn't in it".
After a few more errands, I made my way home, trying my best to stay positive and trust that God was in control. I got back into bed with my pups, as I was still not feeling well from yesterday, and began the job hunt again. At some point earlier in the the day, a verse from a song I had sang in choir came to me. It was from Psalm 139. I looked this up and it proved to be tremendous comfort. Here is that verse:
Psalm 139
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
This particular Pslam to me feels like aloe does on an intense sunburn. It calms and brings peace to a tormenting heart, such as the way mine felt today. Also as I was falling asleep last night, my sweet puppy Savannah fell asleep on my arm and I looked her and thanked God for even the simpilest blessings. I think that God provides these so many times throughout even our entire day. This is something I have been trying to remember today in the midst of my disappointment, that I still have so much I am blessed with and one job rejection should not be the end of the world for me.
 |
| Here is a picture of Savannah that God spoke to me about acknowledging him in even of the smallest of blessings. |
Later in the evening, I was able to go to a basketball game to watch my little sister cheer and then have frozen yogurt at Sweet Ce-Ce's (which is AH-MAZING) with my two life long best friends, Caitlin and Brittany. One of the things I have emjoyed most about graduating from college is being able to spend time with them, as well as my other close friends. After we finished, Brittany drove me back home and we had a long visit and conversation about this journey of healing I have been embarking upon. At some point I will explain what this whole journey has been about but for now, we will just say it is a "trifecta" of factors that I am currently dealing with. It has been very hard for me to open up about this journey and it still is, thus one of the reasons I am writing this blog. We had a long chat and again I feel so blessed because she reminded me that I have some incredible friends in my life who I will always be able to trust and who walk with me no matter what. While I have always known this, something about this particular conversation we had made it even more reassuring. I struggle a lot with trust and with my "trifecta" right now trusting people has been even more difficult as I have been very let down by people who I thought I was close too and whom I thought should have been able to trust. Ultimately, I know I have to trust God before I will be able to trust anyone else and I fully admit I do not trust God like I should. Years of let down by various people on earth has led me to live a life that generally trusts no one. My prayer every day is that God would heal my heart and I would be able to fully trust him with my life.
I know this seems like more of a debbie downer post but this is truly my life right now. I am in such this crossroads where I know I can choose to take the narrow path or fall down the path of darkness. I desperately more than anything in this world want and desire to live a life that fully reflects the heart of Jesus Christ. I am begining to be at the point where I am ready to abadon my heart to Christ and do whatever he wants me to do in order to accomplish that. This is so scary to me as I am quite the control freak but I just love Jesus so much, I want this so badly. Like a story my pastor told at church yesterday, a little girl asked her mom that if God was so big he could hold the world in his hands yet he lived in each of us, doesn't that mean he should shine through us? This is what I want....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)