Changing Seasons

Hello Blogging World!

I cannot believe it has been two months since I updated! The last two months have been a very difficult change to say the least. I moved home at the end of August and well it has been one extremely hard transition. I don't think one can ever be mentally prepared enough to move back home after having been on their own for over four years. It is definitely a better situation for me financially but mentally and emotionally it has been absolutely wretched.

The majority of September was very busy week for me at MTSU. I worked full time hours for several of the weeks due to recruitment, back to school activities and my boss being out of town for and extended period of time. Things are starting to slow down. I had free time this evening and afternoon for the first time in what seemed like forever; however this isn't entirely true. This has been one of the first days in MONTHS that I haven't wanted to lock myself in my room and hide from the world. Like I said, this transition home really has taken a toll on me and I am just now starting to come out of this valley I have been in for the past two months.

This has definitely been one of the worst depression episodes I have ever encountered. I must admit after moving home I began to be angry with God. I confess that I haven't been to church in about the past two months as well. If you have read any of my previous posts you know that the past year has been quite the tumultuous year to put it simply. I think my snapping point in my faith happened one day when I was having car problems. I have had a vast amount of car problems in the past six months that have totalled thousands of dollars in repairs. I had gone to pick up my car after having something else fixed and I started driving home and it felt like I had a flat tire. I turned around and took it right back to the shop (turns out they had not put the tire back on all the way-super scary). I called my mom to come right back to get me. By the time we got home I was in tears. The tears started and just wouldn't seem to stop. Now I have cried a lot over the past year but normally I cry for about ten minutes and I am over whatever had made me upset. This particular time though I seemed to be totally out of control, I cried for probably an hour and a half. 

I have not given up on God and I know he hasn't given up on me but I think that I just came to a point where I felt like I had been pouring myself into my faith for so long and it felt like I was praying to a brick wall-things just always seemed to go from bad to worse to even worse to horrific. I think I just decided somewhere in my heart God and I were in a Mexican stand off-I felt like he wasn't listening to me therefore I wasn't going to listen to him or speak to him. I know deep down that this is just Satan trying to pry me loose from my faith but it is something I have never experienced in my faith walk before either. It is so hard to describe because I want to be strong in my faith again but I am so resentful of all the things that have happened to me that it is keeping me from God. I know I need to let go, leave the past in the past, and look to the future and trust God. I received a beautiful flower arrangement from an anonymous person and they instructed me to read 1 Peter 1:6-7.

⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

I have read this verse before but it really hit me like a ton of bricks and feel guilty for trying to run from God. I really want to strengthen my walk with Christ and be in a place of total surrender and trust. I feel like the woman who was begging for a drink at the well, I long and thirst to be close with Christ again.



Well I think that is enough for one post. I am starting to feel hopeful for the first time in a really long time and am praying that with this change in the seasons so will come a season of change in my life. I really want to end this year on a strong note and end it praising God more than ever before. If you are struggling with anything in your life right now, I really want to encourage you to just keep hanging in there and know that God is still there even in the darkest and worst of storms, just keep your eyes focused on the cross. Who else will know your pain more than Christ himself?

Reflections of 22

This is the continuation of “Finding My Missing Piece”.

I can’t believe that I am now 23 and that another year has gone by. It seriously feels like just a few weeks ago that I was celebrating my 22^nd birthday. I also still have a hard time fathoming everything that has taken place in my life since my birthday last year. I think I posted a little bit of a recap in one of my previous posts. Someone recently told me that I will look back on this season of my life and wonder how in the world I ever made it through. I have one answer: my God, my savior, my faith. Without my relationship with Christ, I really don’t know that I would have been able to be as resilient as I have been through this whole season. My walk hasn’t always been close throughout this whole season but God NEVER let me go, not once.

I know that there is still a long trek ahead of me but the light is beginning to appear at the end of the tunnel. I am moving home this week which will be a drastic change but I believe wholeheartedly that God wants me there. I also am starting my new job this week with VIP Murfreesboro Magazine. My parents’ divorce should also be final any day now- I am stunned at how quickly it has proceeded, but it is actually a huge blessing; we will all now be able to move forward with our lives. Let me tell you, I am beyond terrified of all these changes, but I know that God is faithful and that if I pour my heart into him he will be faithful in return. Yes life won’t be as easy as it has been in the past, but we are not called to live an easy life all the time. This is a season of healing, hard work, perseverance, and most importantly, trusting God fully.

I seriously cannot thank all of those enough who have been so supportive, loving, and encouraging during this season. I look forward to being able to do the same for all of those people in the future. I for once at am a loss of words of what else to say. I guess if I had to sum up everything I have learned/am learning and offer advice to anyone going through a seriously difficult season, I would say that at the end of the day all that matters is that you have your salvation. I remember when I first began college, I said that I wanted to be in a place in my life that if all that I had was the clothes on my back and my salvation that I would be content. Let me tell you, if you truly seek something that is going to bring God glory then it is going to happen. I am thankful I have more than the clothes on my back; however, I do in a certain sense that right now all I do have left is my salvation. Is it easy- No, Am I thankful for what I have learned through it all, YES.

 I am looking forward to 23 and what God will be doing in my life for the next year. I truly want to keep my heart totally poured into him.

I will end this post with a prayer.

Most Gracious and Heavenly Father,

There are no words to express what is in my heart right now and thankful I am that you never let go. Lord I would be nothing without you. I pray that as I begin 23 you lay heavy on my heart the desire to pour myself fully into you. I ask for an unquenchable thirst for your word. I ask for continued contentment. I pray for discernment in all decision making and that everything I say and do will be a reflection of your Love, Mercy, and Grace. Lord I pray that you prepare my heart to be in a relationship with my future husband; prepare his as well and make him into the man that is a reflection of you. I ask for healing for my family and that they will come closer to you. I pray that my heart will earnestly beat for nothing but YOU. Thank You Lord, Thank You, Thank You.

In your son’s most precious holy name, Jesus.

Amen

Finding My Missing Piece

Wow where to even begin this post escapes me! Since I have last posted there are a lot of things that have happened. I will do my best to capture it all.

I just spent the weekend with about 130 7th-12th graders at an event called "Disciple Now". This is a long standing tradition in our youth group. It is a weekend devoted to learning what it means to become a true follower of Christ. I can remember going to my very first disciple now as a 7th grader 11 years ago. It feels like it was just yesterday! I served as a counselor and got to work with a group of 8th graders. I feel like I took as much from the weekend as the youth did. I was excited about going to this event, because as noted in my last post, I was feeling empty and weathered. I was immensely looking forward to being able to be around the body of Christ for an entire weekend. I was also very blessed to be in a host home with a wonderful couple from my church who I believe have a very Godly marriage and are wonderful leaders in the youth group. The theme verse for this weekend was Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

On Friday night the title of the message was "Do Not Conform". If you looked at my life from the outside you would think I was a "Good Girl". Yes I have made my mistakes and sinned in ways that I am very ashamed of, but I have asked for forgiveness and no longer live in those patterns of sin. I have always been the "Good Girl", so I conforming to the patterns of this world didn't seem like it was that big of an issue for me. Ha, boy was I wrong. I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I felt like I was missing something about this whole season of my life that I am in. I know that God is trying to teach me something but I wasn't exactly sure what that is. Well Ladies and Gentlemen, I now believe I have my answer.

A dear Christian mentor of mine and former high school Sunday school teacher of mine was delivering this message on Friday night. He mentioned right in the beginning that there are three things that the Enemy (Satan) will use to get you: Passions, Possessions, and Positions. BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks and so many light bulbs went off in my head that it would have looked like Times Square. That was my missing piece. He went on to say that 1 Peter 5:8 says that "Satan is prowling like a lion".

Somewhere in my life within the past 2-3 years my walk with Christ began to wind down a crooked path. A path where my house, my clothes, my accolades, my school work, dating, the burdens of family problems, work, and everything in between became my God. My passions, possessions, and positions had overtaken my heart. Satan had been prowling around me like the lion, only he didn't devour me all at once but a little bit at a time. You see, I poured my heart and soul into everything except my relationship with Christ. Yes I was still a Christian and went to church and tried to live my life as a Christian should, but I only truly fit God in where is was convenient. I had distorted what the sermon the next evening would focus on, which was God's truth. I had made my own truth and made it to fit my plans and what I thought was good and right for me.

It all makes sense now. I believe that this season in my life is to break me from this life I have been living. You see, I have been living in a life of sin and didn't even realize it. My whole heart was not surrendered to God but to all of these other things and now that they have been all taken from me, I was left feeling empty because I had poured my whole heart into all these other things instead of my relationship with Christ. I know, deep right?

I am still sorting out some of this and making sense of what it all means and what's next. I know that I absolutely have to change my lifestyle and my walk.

To be continued...

22 Going on 83

Well only one more week left of being 22 and I can honestly say I will glad to say "Peace Out 22". I spent a lot of time this evening reflecting about everything that has happened since my last birthday. If you know me well, you know that I am not a very emotional person and let me tell you, this got me. Like I have mentioned before, I still have a hard time comprehending everything that has happened in the last 9 months, let alone a year!

Let's see here if I can recap everything that has happened since my last birthday:

-Had a fairly major sinus surgery a week before my birthday last year and a very difficult recovery and wasn't cleared until December.

-Started seeing a counselor for the first time.

-Held the position of VP II-New Member Educator for Zeta.

-Finished my college degree/graduated.

-Wrote and defended my honors thesis.

-Experienced a major break up that ended up going back and forth for six months after the initial breakup.

-Have been on five different anti-depressants and two sleep medications.

-Watched my family fall apart with my parents' divorce and ailing grandparents.

-Worked over 40 hours a week with two jobs for about 4 months.

-Got laid off from one of those jobs.

-Put over $1000 into car repairs.

-Decided to move home after being on my own for 4 years.

-Gained about 20 pounds.

-Had Mono.

I feel like this only scratches the surface of everything I have experienced over the past year, thus the title of this post. I don't feel like I am about to turn 23. I feel like I am about to turn 83. My therapist this week even posed that the thought that my life would probably never be as difficult again as it has been in the past year. Oh and did I mention that I was essentially financially supporting myself through this whole process? I feel old. I feel tired. I feel empty. I want to be taken care of for once instead of me having to take care of everything and everyone else.

I know God works in supernatural ways we can't understand. I know that this is a just a season. I know that it is preparing me for something great. I know these things but I feel weathered. I think that word truly sums it up. I think of an old leather shoe or bag, worn out, dried up, maybe has some tattered edges, and is faded.

 This is my new struggle. I have my faith in a good place but how am I to find that "renewing of the spirit" and let my cup overflow? I deeply desire to be serving others, maintain a positive attitude/outlook, be more involved in my church, be a better friend, daughter, sister , etc. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them. I want to be made whole again.

I have to confess, I actually removed my birthday from facebook a few days ago because I didn't want people to remember it was my birthday. I didn't want people wishing me well and happiness because I know my life isn't in a good place right now. I felt like with every "Happy Birthday" and well wish given to me, it was going to be one more reminder of where my life is right now and that I am not happy or doing well. I know that is a sad sad sad mindset but it just exemplifies how truly weathered I feel. I put it back up by the way, although I still have some crazy mixed emotions about this upcoming birthday (that'll be a post for another day).

I have been praying a lot lately about this particular new struggle I am experiencing. I am praying that God will make me whole again and to give me a positive mindset and outlook on life. I know this will all end at some point, it is just surviving the storm right now.

As always, please continue to pray for me and my family. God is moving in a very wonderful way, so I should have a more positive post with good news next time I post :) .

Until next time, blessings to you all!

My Birthday Wish List:

My Birthday Wish List:

• For my Dad to finish moving all his things out of the house and get settled in his condo.
• My Dad and I to establish a relationship again.
• My mom to be happy and not stressed.
• My sister to be happy.
• A full time job.
• To find tennents for my house.
• To have all the cleaning, painting, repairs etc. finished in my house.
• To lose the extra weight I have gained.
• A certain someone to be part of my life again.
• A vacation to the beach
• To walk closely to God again and find meaning in all these trials.
• To be able to wake up and say "Life is Good" just because it is.

Giving Thanks in the Smallest of Things

Well I figured it is about time for me to update since it has been a good few days. I am so beyond thrilled to see that my audience is growing! I am not sure what God has planned in for me in writing this blog but I know that he is working through it in some shape or form.

The biggest update I have is that I have made the difficult decision to move home. The goal is to be out by August 31st. I know that seems like a while a way but there is a growing list of things that have to be done around the house in order to get it rented, plus I still need to find tenants. I feel oddly at peace about the decision. It is only temporary but I feel like it is where I am supposed to be. Lately I have been struggling in a way in which I have never struggled before. I have wanted to "stick my head in the sand" and just pretend that everything that is happening in my life isn't. There is a fine line to walk when you are experiencing hard times, that is walking the line of knowing that everything is going to be OK versus pretending your present life situations don't exist. I still can't believe all these different things have happened in less than a year, it still blows my mind, feels like it has been going on for years.

Besides moving, life has been pretty settle surprisingly. I have found myself with time on my hands which is quite the oddity for me. I have still been really tired and sleeping a lot as well. I have been having a variety of medical tests done to make sure I do not have any other problems affecting my mood. I had a stress test done for my heart and that all came back good, which was good news. I had a sleep study done, which was quite an interesting experience to say the least. I haven't received the results from that yet, but I will have them next week thankfully. I am very anxious to get the results.

I went to see my psychiatrist today. I have been frustrated with the most recent medication I have been on because it has caused a significant amount of weight gain. Looking at me you probably can't tell, but a lot of my clothes are uncomfortable and do not fit properly. Well with that being said, he took me off that one and now I am on medication #5 and increasing my sleeping medication. If you have never suffered from anxiety and/or depression let me tell you, finding the right medication is one of the most frustrating things in the entire world. It is a miserable feeling, to feel like you aren't in control of your emotions and yourself. It is so frustrating to feel happy one minute and then so down the next when nothing has changed. I have officially been taking medicine for over a year now. I asked my doctor today if was normal to have to have tried so many different medications in such a long time period and he said it is all about trial and error. I also again have to be reminded that I have had  A LOT happen to me in a short 9 months.

I hope and pray more than anything that this latest adjustment on my medication will help me to stabilize. It is hard to move forward with coping with everything else when I do not even feel stable in my own body and mind. It is such a wretched illness. I do not wish it upon anyone. It is like someone has a remote control to my brain and just is constantly playing with the channels, volume, contrast, brightness, etc. and I am just the machine, subject to whatever the remote control tells me to do. What I would give to wake up one day and just be happy and joyful just because...Seriously I never knew how precious some things in life really are.

I am still struggling to see what God is teaching me through this whole season in my life and also what he is doing to work through me right now. I will confess, I am tired, my faith feels dry and God feels distant. I know that I haven't been doing my part to feel close to him. I still love God more than anything in this world but I guess because I have always given 110% to everything else in my life I feel like this aspect should be easy--that's the wrong mindset though. No one ever said being a Christian would be easy. I should be giving my all, 125 % to my walk with Christ and not just the leftovers...hmmm I may have just counseled through this whole predicament I am in.

Right now I am just tired and empty, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I wish more than anything in this world a chauffeur would show up at my door and say "I am here to take you on a private jet to the beach". I feel like a need time and space away from everything and everyone to clear my heart and my head and get totally refocused. I know that this isn't going to happen any time soon though so I will have to do my best to do those things here. God wants me here where I am for a reason and he is with me no matter where I am, he is just waiting for me to reach out to him.



Thank you Jesus!

Just call me Job

Hello Readers! I am so thrilled I actually say that now!!!! I hope you all have been surviving this wretched heat and finding a way to enjoy the summer!

This week has been a very busy and intense one for me. I had a variety of medical appointments (as is becoming very typical) as well as other things to do and people to see. I have very much enjoyed a quiet and stress free weekend spent mostly at home resting, still haven't totally defeated the the mono.

This week I have delved deeply into the book of Job. I knew a little bit about this story but had never studied it deeply. As of right now I am only about half way through the whole book but it is very intriguing to say the least. God allows everything to be taken from Job because he knows that Job will maintain his faith despite losing everything. What it is interesting to me about this story is that Job is not happy about his situation in the beginning. He doesn't curse God, but he whines and complains and "walllows in his sorrows". One thing that touched me the most about this story is that some of his friends come to visit Job while he is ill and encourage him and lift him up. I was touched by this because God still works the same way today; he especially has used my friends during this season of my life to be there for me and lift me up in my times of hardship right now. I am looking forward to seeing how else God uses Job's friends!

I relate to this story because I feel like I have almost everything taken from me. In accordance with studying this story, I had yet another things taken from me this week. I had to make the very tough decision to give up my MTSU job. At one time I was given the hope that I may be able to keep the job without having to move into the Greek Row facility but that did not work out. I am now facing the real possibility of having to move home now. It still is slowly sinking in but I have found peace in the choice that I made.

Though I haven't finished the story of Job yet to see what he learns from his brokenness, I am slowly but surely starting to see what I believe God is teaching me through my brokenness. One of things I know for sure he is teaching me is 100% complete and total trust in him. I am a very stubborn person so I think it is taking extra brokenness to try and get this through to me. I used to have such an incredible trust in God and that was unquenchable. I think somewhere along the way during college I began to become more reliant on my own accomplishments, finances, and earthly possessions. I somehow let these things define me and bring me happiness and peace. While I am not a wealthy person by any means, I have laid up my treasures in my earthly things rather than in heaven and in my relationship with Christ. As a result, I have learned to put all my trust in my "things" and my finances rather than seeking Christ first in everything. I do love Christ more than anything in this world, but if I don't give him my full heart, even if holding back the smallest part, I am not trusting him fully.

I know I have a long way to go on this Journey and there is still a lot of healing but I know that I have to learn to give back to God my whole entire heart. I know that there are parts that I have hidden from God that are damaged, broken, and feel to me irreparable. I know that my Savior is the great physician and capable of bringing me the healing I am seeking if I just let him have those parts of my heart.

I think that is about all I have for this evening. I am very tired from an intense workout followed by some ridiculous lawn mowing. Thank you for all your prayers, love, and support.

Missing Piece

Many people, Christian and non Christian are familiar with the story of Job. This story has been heavy on my heart lately as I can't help but think I am living a modern day life of Job. It has been a while since I read this story but I plan on diving into this week and seeing what can teach me through this book of the Bible. I have a feeling it is going to be a bumpy, yet eventful ride.

Not too many things have changed since I last posted. I am still on the job hunt and recovering from Mono. I do have to admit, it is incredibly frustrating to me to have to sit and do nothing. You probably think I am crazy right? I am planning on moving back home and it annoys me to no end to have to sit and not pack or clean or the million other things I could be doing; however, I think God is trying to teach me that sometimes we have to literally sit and be still and also that we cannot always do things on our own.

I have been really struggling and soul searching lately with what all this season in my life means and what it is that God is really trying to nail into my very stubborn head. I think I might have finally started to figure it out. God is trying to teach me that I do NOT have control. I am discovering that I have multi-faceted issues with control as a "codependant" and I have let it rule my life for a really long time. I additionally struggle with letting things go, it is virtually impossible for me to do so, it is like telling a fish to try and live outside of water. Earlier on in this journey of mine, I prayed a lot about wanting my life to reflect Jesus and I am beginning to see how this incredibly rocky journey is leading me to that. There is absolutely no way I can be an effective disciple of Christ if I do not wholeheartedly trust his plans and know that literally "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Now here is the hard part for me. Through my counseling, I have discovered that I have difficulty getting my logic and my emotions to mesh together, i.e. how do I take all these things I know to be truth on one side and then let me feel them and believe them on the other side. This is my struggle. I want more than anyone will understand to be broken free from this bondage but there is a reason I am not. I know that I am missing something. I just can't quite seem to figure out what this missing piece is. I seem to have this inability to get my head and my heart to be in conjunction with one another. They both know great things and truths, but for some reason they don't work together.

I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus through this storm. I mean can you imagine what a testimony it could be? If I could praise God and know that he truly is going to guide me through this storm because I know people probably are looking from the outside thinking "Wow, her life sucks" and I want to be able to respond with "Actually No, it is quite the contrary. God is preparing me for something greater than I could ever imagine and teaching me lessons I would have never been able to learn otherwise." That it what I want to be able to say and WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe every single syllable of it.

If you do read this, please continue to keep me and your family in your prayers. I do in the very depths of my soul want to conquer with Christ this storm/season, I just need the continued encouragement. I am so thankful to those of you who have sent me cards and other messages of encouragement, they mean more to me than you will know. You all are truly exhibiting what it means to show Christ's love to a sister in Christ. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

One final thought. We sang a hymm this morning in church and the chorus was immesnely moving to me. The holy spirit laid it upon my heart very deeply. It was

 "Because he lives, I can face tomorrow; because he lives, all fear is gone; because I know he holds the future, and life is worth the living just because he lives".

Those are some immensely powerful words.
Until next time, I will be searching for my missing piece and continuing to find the Blessing in Brokenness.

In Christ's Grace, Love, and Mercy

Chloe

Untitled

Well as I sit here and begin to write this post, I can not come up with a title for this post. I am not even sure where to begin this one. My last post talked about be unsettled and frustrated. I made a list of things I was feeling unsettled about and now I am not sure if I have more things to add to that list or if I should take some things away from it.

I keep thinking that surely I have hit rock bottom and that there is no way God is going to let me go through anything else; well I can humbly say now that is not true. This past week I came down with a horrible cold/sinus infection/upper respiratory infection. I had a physical done last Friday (a week ago) and the Doctor called me on Monday and told me I had Mono. I felt like death, I didn't know how I was going to manage work. I missed MTSU Monday and worked the hospital that night and then went in to MTSU for an hour Tuesday and would miss the hospital; however, I had a meeting with my boss Tuesday that she asked me if I could still come in for. I went to the meeting and they eliminated my position, i.e. no more hospital job.

 I am still trying to comprehend what all this means. I really think God is truly teaching me a pretty difficult lesson about obedience, humbleness, and trust right now.I left the hospital distraught and all I could think is that God you must really have something in store for me that I can not see at this moment. I can tell you that I am scared out of my whits. I know I have the option of moving home but I have been strongly advised not too and I have another opportunity that would be a part time job with free living expenses but it would require me to give up my house and my dogs. I am sitting in my living room right now with my two pups and it is hard for me to imagine giving up two of things that have brought me such solace and peace during such a tumultuous time in my life. I have been reflecting on this since I found out about my job at the hospital. God has brought to my mind several stories from the Bible of sacrifice, the woman who gave her last penny, the merchant who sold everything for a pearl (i.e. the Kingdom of heave represented by the pearl), Jesus says to sell all your earthly possessions in order to build treasure in heaven. I am in a place now where I have turned over my dating life to Christ and sacrificed it so now I am wondering, am I being called to give up my dogs and my house? Am I being called to be very humbled financially and out of my earthly possessions?

 I confess I am highly conflicted, terrified, and have no idea what is next. I know I have to make a decision very quickly and feel highly unprepared to do so. I am totally abandoned to Christ at this point, so many of the things that have been idols in my life are now being removed. My prayer is that I will be able to effectively carry out and discern what it is that God is asking me to do right now.

Now let's take a look at that list I posted in my last post and see how many of those issues are still issues:

• I need roommates, without them I can not afford to stay in my house. About 95% sure I will have to move out due to losing hospital job.
• My MTSU jobs ends August 19th, I will barely be able to live off of my hospital income. Will be applying to be a substitue teacher and will probably be rent free now.
• I want to go to Grad school but don't know where, which program, or how I will get there.
• I found out I am working Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day-hadn't even been able to begin thinking about how different holidays will be now, let alone having to work on them. Not working at hospital anymore, thus not an issue.
• In my counseling, I have unearthed some new dirt that reveals many of my struggles with relationships; it makes me feel defeated and that I will never have a functional happy marriage or a family of my own.
• Despite my decision to not date right now, there is still a sense of loneliness that surrounds me. Don't want to provide details on this now, but have been given a peace about this and have too many other things to worry about to be lonely! 
• I have been on anti-depressants for 11 months now and in counseling for 9-10 months and fee like I have made no progress. I now have to take two anti-depressants daily plus a sleeping pill at night just to be able to function somewhat "normally". Diagnosed with Mono, thus explaining mood swings and having a sleep study and stress test done to rule out other potential contributing issues.

Ok so now I have 2 things on this list. I can never ever say God doesn't answer prayers, it may just not be in the form we wanted it or expected it to be.

Unsettled and Frustrated

The only way I can think to sum up how I have been feeling over the past few days is unsettled and frustrated. Here are the things that are causing me to feel this way:

• I need roommates, without them I can not afford to stay in my house.
• My MTSU jobs ends August 19th, I will barely be able to live off of my hospital income.
• I want to go to Grad school but don't know where, which program, or how I will get there.
• I found out I am working Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day-hadn't even been able to begin thinking about how different holidays will be now, let alone having to work on them.
• In my counseling, I have unearthed some new dirt that reveals many of my struggles with relationships; it makes me feel defeated and that I will never have a functional happy marriage or a family of my own.
• Despite my decision to not date right now, there is still a sense of loneliness that surrounds me.
• I have been on anti-depressants for 11 months now and in counseling for 9-10 months and fee like I have made no progress. I now have to take two anti-depressants daily plus a sleeping pill at night just to be able to function somewhat "normally".

Yeah that's a lot. I carry these thoughts and feelings with me all the time. I am struggling with learning to let go but yet have faith at the same time. How does one do that? How is a person to be responsible but not worry about things? How do I not let these things affect my daily attitude? I am so frustrated and unsettled. It is wearing me out. I wish I knew the answers and that I could just wiggle my nose like Samantha from Bewitched and everything would just be hunky-dory. Unfortunately, life is not a 30 minute sitcom that can be solved with a twitch of the nose.

If you have read any of my previous posts, I am sure you can see why I am frustrated. I have this immense faith but somehow I get so defeated so easily. I do not want to be this way AT ALL but with every step forward I take I feel like I take two steps back.

Lord please help me not to feel so burdened, I know your word says that your yoke is easy and load is light. Lord Rescue Me from this opression.

Moving Forward, Letting Go, and Having Unwavering Patience

Well Hello Friends! I think my audience might actually be growing, slowly but surely!

It has been a while since I have updated, but not too much craziness has been happening. I have been working even more than normal, like 50+ hour work weeks. I can not complain to much though because I have a final date on my job at MTSU, August 19th. It freaks me out quite a bit but I am trying to really trust God that he is going to open the right doors, but I must admit I am struggling because I also do not have anyone who has signed a lease for next year...Sigh, TRUST, TRUST, TRUST!

One of the greatest things that has happened since I last updated is that one of my dearest friends had her baby! Welcome to the world Emma Joyce Reed! I am so in love with this little girl, she is absolutely beautiful and such a blessing. I absolutely adore her parents, grandparents, and family as well. Here are some pictures of Miss Emma :)

Other than work, I have been continuing to do work on the inside and outside of my house. I was working on getting my back porch cleaned up in hopes of doing some entertaining, but I have had to temporarily cease that work due to tendinitis in my wrist, elbow, and shoulder in my right arm...GRRRR. I was very proud though that I did figure out last night how to light my grill and I grilled some chicken and veggies! Needless to say, I am so hooked! Once I can finish my porch I would love to have all my wonderful friends over for a night of food and fun!

Now for the tough stuff. Things have still been pretty tough lately. I know God is really testing my faithfulness right now in my "Journey to Damascus". I can't remember if I posted this or not, but my doctor added a new medication to my already growing list of medications. I felt like I had gone right back to where I had started almost a year ago and was not about to let that happen. I have started seeing my therapist once a week again and it is back to the psychiatrist every 3-4 weeks. I am struggling because I feel like one of those people from the old cartoons that had a little devil on one shoulder and a little angel on the other. It is a constant battle of fighting depression, sadness, and hopelessness versus wanting to be grateful for my blessings, desiring peace and joy, and a heart that truly trusts God. It is exhausting to say the least.

I had probably the most intense session with my therapist I have had as of yet today and we unearthed quite a bit of dirt. Mostly things about my relationship with my Dad and how that is now negatively affecting me in my day to day life. I literally looked at her said, "I am tired of feeling this way, what can I do?". Unfortunately, I am the type of person that wants a set way to go about solving a problem with a check list of things to do. Life however, is not like this. She reminded me of everything I have encountered over the last 9 months: Graduating College, Starting & Working 2 jobs, Going through a nasty break-up, my parents splitting up in a not so pretty way, and being genetically predisposed to anxiety and depression. It makes my head spin just typing it out. I guess I have somewhat expected things to just get better with a snap of my fingers and that if I put my all into everything I possibly could, it would all work out. I am learning though that this is not necessarily true. Basically to sum up today's session I determined that this process is going to take some serious moving forward, letting Go, and having unwavering patience. I am sure I could write a whole blog on each one of those three topics but I may save that for another time, but that's the pretty big nutshell of it all.

I admit, I feel defeated writing this. Little devil man on my shoulder wants to tell me that I am never going to find happiness, I will never be fulfilled in life, and that I will never be all that I aspire/dream to be. These are the thoughts that have haunted me and plagued me for YEARS and I am just now able to share them. I told my mom and therapist that some days I feel like I need to be locked away in a "Loony Bin" because I just can not seem to handle the way these thoughts make me feel.; thus, I have been encouraged to continue writing as much as possible. It seems to be the only way I can really reach deep deep deep inside and uncover the heart and emotion of so many of these matters that haunt me.

I am so blessed by such incredible people in my life, many of you who are reading this, and it brings me to tears at this moment thinking about how blessed I am by all of you. I thank God for placing you in my life because I know I wouldn't be able to walk through this journey without each one of you. You each have help to support me in your own individually unique way, for which I am eternally grateful. I know without you all, I probably would have lost all faith a really long time ago.

There are literally not enough words in this world to convey my gratitude for all, in which God has blessed me; my greatest prayer is that by the power of Jesus and the Cross, Satan will no longer have any power over me and that this intense battle of spiritual warfare will press on with the full armor of God singing praises to my Savior UNCEASINGLY.

^"10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. " Ephesians 6:10-17

The final part of this passage from Ephesians (6:18-20) is my prayer:

"18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. 19 Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. "


I love each and everyone of you and am mostly grateful that Christ died and allowed me to have eternal salvation. There is truly nothing sweeter than the love of Christ. Thank you for being that sweetness in my life!

My "Journey to Damascus"

Good evening readers...That is if there is anyone out there reading this...Tee-hee :) Even if no one is, that's ok, because I enjoy writing here and one day it will be something I will have bound into a book for my family. I hope this post find you healthy, happy, and blessed!

I must admit, I have really been struggling over the past few weeks. I know I haven't posted much, but things feel like they have gone from bad to worse. I saw my psychiatrist on Friday and originally  he had wanted to start stair stepping me off of my anti-depressant and I was soooo stoked; well by the time the appointment rolled around, I felt just as bad as I had when I first started treatment last July. So much for starting to cut back on my medication, instead I had another one added to what I am already taking. I really hope this is the tiny little tweak I need, and I will now be seeing my therapist every week instead of every other week. I am bound and determined to come out of all this on top and NOT let it defeat me. Thankfully, the past few days have been pretty good so I am trying very hard to stay positive and truly surrender to God.

Speaking of surrendering to God, I believe I am being called to totally surrender a part of my life. God had been laying this on my heart recently, but he truly spoke to me this morning while I was getting ready (this seems to be his favorite time to speak truth into my heart, I love it!). I believe God is calling me to completely surrender dating for the rest of 2011. I believe that he and I still have a very intimate journey to travel together and that dating right now would become a distraction to what God is wanting to teach me. Now I am not saying this is what is right for everyone, please do not think that; this is what I believe I am supposed to do for this season in my life.

I have been thinking all day today about what I wanted to refer to this new journey as. I googled and contemplated and contemplated. For some reason, Paul's journey on the road to Damascus kept coming to my mind. I knew a little bit about this story but not too much. The more I research I did though, the more I knew that my journey was going to very similar to Paul's journey. If  you are not familiar with this story, click here for a brief summary and the story is also told in Acts Chapter 9. Now Paul (formerly known as Saul) had set out to persecute Christians...that is not at ALL what I have set out to do; my journey is similar to Paul's because during his journey he experienced a transformation that would change his life forever. I believe that in the next 6 months, God is going to do an incredible work in my life. See I have been in this sorta "quarter life crisis" since I graduated because I am not holding down a full time job, not married, not in grad school, not engaged etc. I have not a clue as to what I am supposed to do next or where to go next. I believe that he is not going to reveal his will about some of the questions I have been asking him about my future until I learn to give myself to him and truly truly truly learn to trust his scriptures and promises.

I know that Jesus and I have a long long long walk together during the next six months; some of it will be like walking on the beach at sunset, peaceful, easy and beautiful. I know that other parts of it are going to be like walking up a mountain barefoot on thorns and rocks in the snow. I know that in some of this time Jesus will have to carry me because I will not be able to walk on my own; I know though that in other parts of this journey though Christ and I will be running and laughing together. I have deep sense of contentment about this and know that it is what I am supposed to do. I am so excited to see what he will be teaching me and to see where my life goes afterward.

 The passage of scripture that comes to mind for this journey is Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:

1 There is a time for everything,

   and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
  a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

The other passage that comes to mind for this journey is the one that I have decided is my theme verse for this year, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18:

"Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is Christ's will for you in Christ Jesus".
Lord Jesus, thank you for who you are and for you unconditional love. Thank you for calling me for this period of celibacy so that I may keep my eyes focused solely on you. I pray that nothing will shake me and you will be my steady rock. Thank you Jesus for the blessings I know you will be giving me. I love you so much!

Amen

Recipes for Life

This summer at my church, we have a sermon series that is called "Recipes for Life". They have requested submissions for not only food recipes but also "Recipes for Life: Ingredients for Life". I thought it would be a good time for me to reflect on the questions they have asked for this submission and to make one as well. I may be only 22, but I sure do feel like I have learned about some pretty important life ingredients.

What specific "ingredients" have you used throughout life that have helped you overcome obstacles?

When I read this question, there are several ingredients that come to mind first. These include: Faith, Love, Perseverance, Grace, and Trust. You see, it is very easy for me to come up with this list
because I am in a season of my life right now that requires to me to add large amounts of these ingredients every single day, several times a day. Listed are a brief description of why I believe each of the specified ingredients have helped me overcome obstacles, as well as scriptures discussing those ingredients that I have leaned heavily upon during times of trial and tribulation.

Faith gives me an unshakable foundation. When the storms of life swarm around me, I know that my faith can NEVER be taken from me. My faith is knowing that God has a plan for me and that if I truly love him and seek him, he WILL NOT let go of me. Though my faith has been small at times, the scripture says "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

Love is the fundamental foundation of Christianity. It was God's incredible love that allows us to have our salvation and as Christians we are called to exhibit the same love towards all people. The Bible mentions at least three times that we can have an incredible faith or everything else imaginable, but if we do not love we truly have nothing. Paul also tells us that "These three things remain forever: Faith, Hope, and Love; the greatest of these is Love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

Perseverance is like vitamin B12 of spiritual ingredients; it is the ingredient that when you want to throw your hands up and say "I QUIT" that gives you that extra boost you need to keep pushing and not give up. James tells us too that we "Should consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." James 2:2-4

Grace I have learned recently, is absolutely essential. I heard in one of our sermons in this series actually, that if anger and bitterness is ruling your life and Grace is not, then God is not in control of your life. Without Grace, we would be living in a life full of resentment and anger. Grace is also what allows us to have our eternal salvation, without it, we would be nothing.  ^"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:12-14

Trust is one ingredient that I constantly crave and one in which I always seem to be in short supply. If we cannot trust God and his promises for us, what good is our faith? By trusting God, I know that if I am seeking him wholeheartedly, God will work out details and blessings I will never be able to comprehend. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6


What do you think makes for a zesty and tasteful life? Which ingredient do you consider most important in life? Why?  
I believe that life ingredients are seasonal just like many food products are; sometimes the ingredients will be plentiful and they will overflow in our lives but then there may be other ingredients that are not as plentiful to come by so we must work harder to obtain and hold onto them.There are some seasons in our life that may require patience where as others may require more grace, thus I cannot say that one is more ingredient is more important than another. God is continually teaching us new lessons and if we are seeking his will in all situations, the end result will be a zesty and tasteful life.

Charis...what does GRACE really mean?

If you are wondering how to say the word Charis-it is pronounced "Care+is".


I have heard this as a name once or twice before but had seen it spelled Karis. This word came to mind this evening while I was working at the hospital and reflecting back on the sermon from church this morning. The sermon was on remembrance, as it is memorial day weekend, but the main theme that ran throughout it was about GRACE.


The word Charis, according to Thayer's and Smith's Bible Dictionary plus others; this is keyed to the large Kittel and the "Theological Dictionary of the New Testament", is defined as follows:


1. grace 
   a. that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness: grace of speech


2. good will, loving-kindness, favour
    a. of the merciful kindness by which God, exerting his holy influence upon souls, turns them to Christ, keeps, 
    strengthens, increases them in Christian faith, knowledge, affection, and kindles them to the exercise of the
   Christian virtues


3. what is due to grace
    a. the spiritual condition of one governed by the power of divine grace


    b. the token or proof of grace, benefit
        1. a gift of grace
        2. benefit, bounty


4. thanks, (for benefits, services, favours), recompense, reward

With that being said, it is save to say that the word Charis can be define as GRACE in the Greek language. What is also very intriguing to me is that I have often heard the word Charity to be substituted for the word Love, mostly in King James translations of the Bible. I will come back to that in a minute though.


GRACE. Do you really know what this word means? Does it mean just being kind towards others? Does it mean moving in a way that appears as if you are gliding on water? What does the word GRACE really mean? Well I think I could probably write a novel or two or three about the meaning of GRACE, but God has really REALLY Really been teaching me lately what GRACE really means.


While I believe it is impossible for us as humans to ever really grasp how much GRACE God exhibits towards us, I do believe that as we age, if we are growing in our walks, he will teach us more about what it means to show that same kind of GRACE towards others. As you may have read in some of my previous posts, I am in what could be described as a difficult/testing period of my life right now. My parents are going through a divorce and am now estranged from my father and also the guy I was dating prior to the divorce. I also most recently had begun dating again and thought it was going very well, but I had been praying for direction in this new relationship and God answered straight and clear: Not right now. So needless to say, I have had a vast amount of experiences over the past 6 or 7 months that have been filled with hurt, anger, disappointment, and sadness.


I must confess, there has been a huge fortress around my heart that has been virtually impenetrable. As I have prayed for healing, God has slowly begun to break the hardness but it is still a healing process I am currently experiencing (thus this blog), however, the sermon at church today was like one of those bundles of dynamite that the coyote used to try and catch roadrunner. Something about the sermon sank deep into my heart, into a soft place that had not been stirred in a such a long time, as there were layers upon layers of anger, bitterness, and resentment built outside of it. I once was such a joyful person, there was virtually nothing you could do to bring me down and for the past few years, it has been nothing but the opposite: There was/is hardly anything that could bring my up.


You see, I think inside of my dark shell of anger, bitterness, and resentment, I found a place of security. I know it sounds totally crazy but if I hid inside under the hardness, no one could get inside and I could essentially "protect" the little bit of my heart I felt like I had left. About the only thing I could love was my sweet puppies, Savannah and Georgia, to which I am so thankful now that I do have. There is a quote by C.S. Lewis that pretty much sums it all up, I think I even had this as my facebook status sometime in the past few months:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

Now you may be wondering, what in the world could have been said in a sermon that changed my perspective so radically? Well in this healing process, I have come a long way. I have been fervently praying that God would allow my heart to beat for Christ and that I would be serving him and the greater purpose in all that I do, so I had begun to feel that I could let go of some of these negative feelings I had pent up for such a long time. Today in the sermon, our pastor said something along the lines of  "If you have anger, bitterness, and resentment that afflicts you, GRACE is not steering your ship and Christ is not the master over you". Now, that is a rough paraphrase, I am going to try and get the actual phrase from him, but you get the point. This was just like a bucket of cold water poured on my head. Here I am praying and praying that I would be a servant of Christ but I DAILY let all of those horrible things control me and here's the bad part... I THINK I LIKED IT! I felt this sense of "entitlement" per say, in that I have had all these "wrongs" committed against me. Yeah I have, but if we are called to live as an Example of Christ, CLEARLY I needed a reality check.

It just all hit me when he said that Christ was not ruling my life if I was holding these things in and not surrendering them; they were ruling me. This was the total antithesis of what I had been asking God to do in my life. It was by far one of those few moments I have had in my life I felt like the Lord was speaking through another person and straight to me. During the offering, there was a bagpipe player who played "Amazing Grace" and I closed my eyes and prayed that God would totally break the stone around my heart and that I would exhibit true authentic grace to the people in my life that to be perfectly honest, my flesh would rather spit in their faces. I feel as if a weight has been lifted from me. The word grace and Charis now have a totally new meaning in my life. 

 What is interesting about the word Charis is that it is similar to the word Charity, which I mentioned has been used as a synonym for Love . It seems to me that Love and Grace  are interdependent on one another. You cannot have one without the other, just as the ever well known John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that he gave he only son, so the whoever believes in him will not perish, but have eternal life."  If we truly strive to be the hands and feet of Jesus, we have to exhibit love, that's the easy part. Sometimes loving isn't necessarily always easy, especially when we have been hurt or disappointed, but loving someone in spite of those wrong doings is called

                                              GRACE

Our lives are like a painting

Wow, I can not believe it has been almost two months since I have updated! Lots of things have happened since I last updated, good and bad.

Let's see here where to begin. Well I am still working both of my jobs and it looks like I will be at my MTSU job a little bit longer than expected. The new person will not be beginning until June 13th and I will have to do some transitioning with him so I will probably be there at least another month. I have almost hit my 90 days at the hospital which is so hard to believe. Time has just absolutely flown by! Both jobs are going well, however, it has really made me realize how badly I still want to pursue a Master's degree to go into the counseling field. I have begun my research and my goal is to apply and go (wherever that may be) in Fall of 2012. I love Murfreesboro so much but I think it may be time to leave for a while. I heard someone say recently "Middle Tennesseans may leave, but they ALWAYS come back". I absolutely would not mind coming back to Middle Tennessee but for now I think it may be time for a new journey. All I know is that I want to go somewhere within approximately 8 hours of driving distance that is in the south where I can obtain a Masters Degree in Counseling, Marriage and Family Therapy, or Social Work (Still not 100% sure on which one yet either). Stay tuned for more information as I continue the grad school hunt!

Things with my family have unfortunately gone from bad to worse. My father and I had a terrible disagreement/misunderstanding this past Friday and are no longer on speaking terms. My heart was destroyed. No daughter ever wants to be told to stay out of her father's life. I do not care how old you are, every woman desires the protection and affirmation of a father. I am praying harder than ever that God would place people in his life and do an incredible work in his heart. I am still struggling with knowing my place in the whole situation and will be so glad when it is all over. I know God is teaching me more than I would ever have imagined but let me just tell you, it is a daily battle that I have to set out to conquer every single day. I am praying, praying, praying.

On a more positive note, I have been dating someone for about a month now. I somewhat laughed to myself when I read my last post that said I wasn't ready to start dating again ha ha! I guess God had a different idea for me in mind. I was certainly not looking to date but the opportunity came about to go to dinner with this fine gentleman and I would have been crazy to say no. We went on our first date April 16th and are still seeing each other. We haven't committed to a relationship, but we are taking it very slow. It has been so mind-boggling to me because he is so different from any one I have ever dated before. I still get scared and try to tell myself it isn't worth putting myself out there again, however, I am fervently praying and letting go. It is not in my hands. I will say though, I get butterflies every time he calls me and each time I see him :)

I have a lot of time to think and reflect while I am my hospital job, especially in the evenings when it slows down. There are a lot of beautiful paintings in the hospital and it reminded me of a metaphor about our walks with Christ. I was fortunate enough to visit an exhibit at the Frist Center in Nashville back in December that displayed famous art pieces by Monet and Manet to name a few. Many of the other patrons I noticed would look at a piece very close up and then back up to observe it or vice versa. These artists dedicated their lives to their works of art and yet no single painting is ever the same. While two paintings may be of the same image, the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that went in to each one were potentially vastly different. Additionally, A painting is something that takes hours, days, and even years to complete. This is like our relationship with Christ. We are the canvas. When we are born we are blank, however, God has an immaculate idea and plan for what he wishes to put on the painting. Every single thing that happens in our life is like a brush stroke on the canvas. When viewed up close, all you can see is the brush stroke on the canvas, but when you step back it is a breathtaking work of art. There is more to the picture than the image that is portrayed. It is a story.

My struggle right now is that I am only seeing the brush strokes. I think that I am an impressionistic painting. You really can't tell what my image is or is supposed to be until layers and layers and layers of paint have been applied and dried. My painting I also know is far from over. I barely have a quarter of it completed! I know though that I am a one-of-a-kind piece though; my prayer is that I can learn to be content with each brush stroke and that my finished image would be one that exudes the love of Christ. This is my heart's deepest desire. God is so faithful, I know he will complete my painting and it would sell for 3460830458 millon, bajillion, cazillion dollars at a Christy's Auction House Sale!

Lord I pray that can be content as you paint my painting I will joyful through every single brush stroke and have patience for the final outcome. You are so loving Lord and give me more grace than I every deserve. I pray that as I write these words and continue my healing, you would touch someone and teach them something about Christ. Thank you Jesus. Thank you.

You Never Know that God is All you Need Until God is All You Have Part 6

Part 6-The Final Part


I left off yesterday with talking about how I had two really rough weeks in which A and I were not speaking and I was upset about my Dad not wearing his wedding band. Two weeks ago tomorrow (Saturday) A finally agreed to talk to me after our two week hiatus. I was really scared and nervous. I spent the hour and a half prior to us talking that night praying, reading scriptures, worshiping, and meditating. I had no idea what was in store but I let it all go into God’s hands. I felt like he was asking me to give up my relationship with A for right now and that I had to be willing to make that sacrifice. I didn’t want to but I knew that is what I was being called to do.

A and I talked and it was a calm and collected conversation. Basically he believed that we were not supposed to be together at all, ever again and that we were not meant to be together forever. Like I said, I had come to a place of peace about giving up the relationship for the present, but I was not ready to hear that it was permanent. I cried and cried and cried. That was Saturday night.

Sunday came and I couldn’t force myself out of bed to go to church yet again because I was too depressed. I knew I really needed to cut my grass because it had gotten pretty long. I finally forced myself up and outside and I began on the endless amounts of yard work that needed to be completed. My Dad came over and we went to Lowe’s to get some more concrete blocks to try and keep my dog Georgia from escaping from the backyard. He and I worked for several hours. When we got done he and I were standing outside drinking some water and he told me he had something he wanted to tell me. He told me that he had served my mom with divorce papers. I surprisingly wasn’t that shocked but then again maybe I was so in shock it just didn’t sink in. I held it together long enough to say goodbye to him and then when he was out of sight, I laid my head down on the shovel I was holding and started to cry. I managed to get my yard work tools picked up and put in the garage but by the time I made it into the kitchen I collapsed on my kitchen floor and sobbed uncontrollably.

I had only cried so hard in my life one time before and that was when I found out my grandmother had passed away unexpectedly. I have no idea how long I laid there on the kitchen floor. I know it was long enough to create a pool of tears on the floor. I began trying to text some of my friends to see if they were free. I couldn’t get through to anyone. I finally got through to A and we talked briefly before one of my friends called me back. That was Sunday night.

Monday came around and I decided to talk to my mom about everything when I got off that night. I went over to my parents and sat down with her at the kitchen table. I can remember telling her that this was a conversation I had hoped I never had to have and that it was by far the hardest conversation I had ever had. Turns out my mom didn’t know my dad had told me everything so I caught her extremely off guard. Watching her cry and be in so much pain was one of the worst things I have ever gone through. She wanted me to help her tell my sister who was at her boyfriend’s house at that moment. She went and picked her up and brought her to my house. We went in my room and shut the door and my mom told her. My sister ran out of my house and down the street she was so devastated. She ended up staying with me that night and part of the next day. That was Monday night.

I can honestly say that those three days were the worst three days of my entire life. I have never cried so much in such a short amount of time. I didn’t actually cry again for almost a whole other week and a half after that because I had no tears left to cry. Since then things have still been up and down. A and I went through another disagreement which resulted in us vowing to never to speak to one another again. He said some things to me that were very hurtful and showed me that I couldn’t have a person with the type of attitude he was exhibiting in my life right now. I am still incredibly heartbroken and do miss him every single day, but God clearly answered my prayer of “If A was supposed to be in my life to let him stay, if not to take him out”. Well obviously I got my answer on that one.
Things are still up in the air with my family and no one is really sure at this point what is next. I just keep praying a lot and ask for your prayers for them as well. There are still so many unanswered questions and details that have to be worked out. I am extremely struggling with knowing what is and is not my place in this whole situation. You see I was also diagnosed as being “Codependent” which means I base my feelings/happiness all on other people. I basically do not know what makes me happy, I do not know that I am extremely wonderful person, and I struggle to set appropriate boundaries. I am still working both part time jobs with my MTSU job ending around June1, not sure what will come after that, except I will be continuing my hospital job. I am still seeing my psychiatrist once a month and my therapist every two weeks. I am terrified of having to start dating again but am not in any hurry whatsoever to start. I just know that I am going to have the most amazing husband in the entire world one day, I do have a peace about that at least!







I have begun to have some reflection on all this in the past week as I have been writing this blog about what all these means as far as my spiritual/faith walk means. I will save that for tomorrow though, as I am sure it will be a bit lengthy J . I believe that sharing this story will very much help in my healing process. It is still very hard for me to go back and reread the words I have written because it is a reminder that this is all real and happening. I hope that it has touched someone in some way or another. I recently read a line from The Purpose Driven Life book that said “Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts. The things you’re most embarrassed about, most ashamed of, and most reluctant to share are the very tools God can use most powerfully to heal others”. I believe this wholeheartedly can be applied to this season of my life. Until tomorrow, praying that God is moving in each persons’ life who has read this blog and that He will teach you something great from this

You Never Know God is All You Need Until God is All You Have Part 5

Part 5

Hello Friends! I am sorry I missed yesterday, I just wasn't feeling it for some reason. I really would love nothing more than to go to bed right now as I am fighting a SPUH-LIITTING headache, however, I am committed to writing and sharing so I am going to do so.

I last left off with my writing that I had done on the way to Passion. I will admit that even though I did not want to go at all, since I was pretty much forced to go, I did somewhere deep inside hope that maybe this was what I needed to turn things around in my life. Well guess what? It didn't happen...at that moment at least... Yes there were some incredible sermons but nothing rocked me to my core like I was secretly hoping it would. I came home feeling a tinge better than prior to leaving but still feeling pretty lost.

The next few weeks went by and I was still staying at my parents' house. I kept myself busy and occupied by going through and organizing things, putting away Christmas decorations, cleaning, spending some time with friends, watching TV, etc. This routine went on for about two weeks and I finally decided it was head back to my house. Oh and you may have wondered what happend to A through alll this. It continued to be a roller coaster. One day we were speaking and the next day we weren't. I finally got back to my house and got settled back in. I spent the first few days putting away Christmas decorations (it was mid January at this point) cleaning, organizing, and pretty much anything to keep myself busy. I did some days not get out of bed except to let the dogs out.

I continued the job search without any progress. One day I went to eat with my Dad and I ran into someone who I had worked with when I interned at MTMC. She and I were catching up and she told me about a job opening I should appy for as she thought I would be a great fit. I was so excited and put in my application as soon as I could. I interviewed for the job about a week later. I did not hear anything for a while but I tried not to get discouraged. At this point, things with A began to look up and take a turn for the better. We had some very long conversations trying to untangle the mess that our relationship had become. I traveled to Knoxville the weekend of Valentines Day to have a fun relaxing weekend with my dear friend Elizabeth. I am so grateful for her friendship and what an incredible friend she is. We had such a fun weekend, it was a much needed mini-vacation!

I came back from Knoxville and somehow survived Valentines Day. If you know me well, you know I hate mushy gushy lovey dovey stuff. Romance to me is something much different and deeper than that. I also believe that if Valentines Day is a day about love, then persons should celebrate all the relationships in their lives in which there is love, not just romantic ones. I finally got the call from the hospital the day after Valentines Day. I didn't get the job, they acutally decided not to hire anyone. I was devestated. Just when things were starting to look up it all to me felt like it had gone down the crapper. I spent the rest of that week moping, not getting out of bed unless it was completely necessary. In a turn of events, by the next week or so later the job had been reposted as part-time. I immediately reapplied and by the next day got a call asking if I was still interested in the job. Also on this day, I got a call asking if I would be interested in going to work for the office of Greek Affairs at MTSU part-time. I couldn't believe it! Everything was just seemed to all the sudden be falling back into place! Long story short I ended up acctepting both positions. I began training the next week for my MTSU job and then the next week had orientation for the hospital and then began both jobs. This was the first week of March.

Life seemed almost like it was starting to look up again. I had gotten two jobs , A and I were headed towards getting back together, I was exercising again, and I was getting back on track in my walk with Christ and felt like I was learning/growing so much. There is one part though that I was still struggling with. My Dad and I had been spending more time together and with each conversation I began to become more concerned about the stability of his and my mom's marriage. I tried not to let it affect me but it was nearly impossible. One Saturday in particular we were eating breakfast and I noticed he was not wearing his wedding band anymore. I questioned him about it and he brushed it off and told me not to worry about it. Yeah right, me not worry about it??? That's like giving a dog a piece of steak and telling him not to eat it. I held back most of the tears in the restaurant. I got into my car and sobbed and sobbed. I finally got the strength to call one of my good friends, Brittany, and I went to her house and talked with her for a couple of hours. Again, I am so thankful for such good friends and that they live nearby! Well that night A and I got into yet again, only this time we did not speak for two weeks afterward.

The next two weeks went by and at this point I was pretty much in a good routine with both of my jobs. I was still pretty depressed about everything going on though. I had also been prescribed sleeping pills by my psychiatrist because I was not sleeping well due to the side affects of my anti-depressent medication. For those two weeks, I would come home immediately and go to bed. I could not handle being social, talking to anyone, or even eating. I just wanted the burdens and pain to go away.  I felt like I was simply a shell of a person/human body just existing and going through the motions of life. I missed church two Sundays in a row because I could not get myself out of bed I was so down. I had begun to lose hope. I couldn't find comfort in anything but sleep. My faith was slowing begining to slip away, the scriptures that had so often brought me comfort and that I frequently shared with others seemed just like words on paper. God felt like a distant aquaintance. That brings me to about two weeks ago and if I thought it couldn't get any worse, well I thought very wrong.

You Never Know God is All You Need Until God is All You Have Part 4

Part 4



Part 3 yesterday left off at Christmas. As I mentioned, Christmas was quiet. I was actually sick with a sinus infection and missed Christmas Eve service for I am pretty sure what the first time in my life. A few days after Christmas, I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist. Surprisingly it went better than I had expected. We discussed my history and the medication I was presently taking. Though I was feeling better than I had on the first medication, the psychiatrist decided to change the medication, yet again (making this the 3rd antidepressant I had been prescribed). For some reason when I made the switch to this medication, my body had a very difficult time adjusting. Oh and A and I got into a huge fight yet again and were not speaking once more.

That whole week I did nothing but sleep all day every day. I felt like I had hit rock bottom. Here I was a college graduate with no job prospects, no more boyfriend, and getting an inside look (since I was at my parents’ house for the holidays) at what was the beginning of the end of my parents’ marriage. New Years Eve finally rolled around and I was supposed to go over to my friends’ house for a joint party she and my other best friend were throwing. I was also supposed to leave for what was called the Passion 2011 Conference in Atlanta the next day. I knew I was in a really bad place because I did not want to go to the party or to Atlanta at all. It didn’t help either that I was originally supposed to be in Virginia with A celebrating New Years and now we weren’t even speaking. During the day on New Years Eve that day it was surprisingly warm and I took my dogs to the bark park hoping some sunshine and fresh air would do me some good. I felt a little bit better but was still unsure about going to the party. My mom and I stopped at the grocery store after the bark park and I remember feeling like I was about to burst into tears any second. I decided I was not going to the party, there was just no way I could be social. We got back to my parents’ house and I told my mom I didn’t want to talk or see anybody. I went up to my sisters’ room laid down on her bed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I couldn’t help but think that this was a precursor as to how 2011 was going to be for me.

The next morning I got up extra early to finish packing for Passion, I still had no desire to attend despite the encouragement of my family and friends. The church even paid for me to go because I knew that I would not have a job anymore and it was not a cheap conference to attend, and I had even tried to see if there was anyone at the last minute who wanted to take my spot. I had run out of excuses so I had to go. I had attended this conference before and knew that God would move in powerful ways. I was so empty and drained that I didn’t even want to feel God’s presence.

As I sat on the bus, I couldn’t help but think about how radically my life had changed in a matter of just a few weeks. You see I am a planner. I like to know where I am going, how I am going to get there, and the things I need to get there. For the first time in my life, I was planless. I had NO CLUE what was next. All these thoughts consumed me so I figured the best way to feel at peace would be to write. So I grabbed my trusty blackberry and went at it. Here is what I wrote:

Wow, I can't believe that a whole year has passed by yet again! This last year was certainly an interesting one. It was full of many ups and I downs. I do find it ironic that I began the first day of 2010 sobbing because I was so downtrodden and hopeless and then ended the last day of the year sobbing uncontrollably because of finally facing the demons that have haunted me for so long. I am so grateful that Andrew was a part of my life for the past year and was a catalyst to helping me realize how much I needed help. My heart still breaks when I think about what happened to our relationship and I am still mourning over the loss of that relationship. I know that this is where God wants us to be though. It is a daily struggle for me to rely on God and know that everything is as it should be. I have decided that I am going to have a theme verse for this upcoming year and strive to live by that verse every day. That verse is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: " 16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I think that this is something I seriously need to focus on and will be the ideal verse for me to focus on. I also am praying for this upcoming year to be a year of healing for me. I need healing in every single aspect of my life right now. I have never been so broken and despondent. I am so tired of fighting these demons. I want so badly to wake up and be able to praise God simply because he blessed me with another day! I know deep down, I truly have a heart that beats for Christ and desires so so so badly to share his love. It has brought me so much joy to love on other people. I have remarked before that I believe one of my gifts is an incredible capacity to love others. How though can I love others when I can't even love myself? By not loving myself is that not a slap in the face to God? Does that not say to him "I don't like who you have made me" ?? I want to be freed from these demons more than anyone will ever know. I feel like prodigal son who became so desperate that he desired the food that the pigs ate. I am so desperate for any glimmer of relief. I know God has allowed me to walk in this valley though because I am such a stubborn person that God is treating me like peter in Luke 23:31 when he has allowed Satan to sift him as wheat. I know there are things in my heart, mind, and soul that are strongholds and roadblocks to advancing my relationship with Christ. I know that I am in the place I am now because I can't take a hint lol !!! I am grateful though that I am learning to walk through this storm now while I am a single woman with no husband or children to have to drag through this journey with me. It is just Jesus and Me. I know the road is going to be dark and rocky at some points but I know that "God works for the good of those who love him" and that faith even "as small as a mustard seed can move mountains". My faith is small now but not nonexistent! As I am literally on the physical journey to the Passion Conference right now, I am praying that I feel the sweetness of God in my life and I may have a heart full of joy. I know it is going to be a journey but that Christ is walking with me every step of the way. It is my prayer that one year from today I can say that God has done a healing in my life that is something only he could accomplish in my life and that I would be content in the places that he leads me to go. To God be the glory forever and ever!!!!!



To be continued tomorrow…

You never know that God is All you need until God is all you Have Part 3

Part 3


I left off yesterday by saying I had finally made an appointment to talk to the doctor about all the mood swings I had been having. I finally went and as I had predicted, by the time the appointment rolled around, I was resistant to going. You see, my mood and mindset would fluctuate so rapidly it was very scary. The best thing I can describe would be like the play Jekyll and Hyde. One minute I was a kind compassionate person and the next something would cause something to snap and I would become this mean, angry, conniving person. After I would have a “Hyde” moment I would look back at how I had acted and be utterly mortified at how I had acted. I described this all to the doctor and she prescribed me a low-dosage anti-depressant and suggested I seek counseling.

I began taking the medication at the end of July and after about two weeks started to feel better. I was so thrilled at how more in control of my emotions I felt and A even noticed as well. This was good timing because my last semester of college was about to begin in a few weeks and I wanted to be ready to grab it by the horns. A few weeks later I underwent a sinus surgery that left me out of commission for about two weeks and then it was time for my last semester of college began.

I knew going into this last semester that it was going to be very challenging. I was taking 12 hours, writing a thesis, serving as Vice President of New Member Education for my sorority, working 20 hours a week, and attempting to maintain my relationship with A. A and I knew that it would be hard on our relationship but we figured we would have to work that much harder. The semester began well but as things began to get more stressful after the first month of classes I began to feel like I was coming unglued again. My doctor had said that if things became more stressful we could double my dosage on my medication. I doubled my medication but as I did so I began to feel more negative side affects of it. I began to gain weight which ordinarily I was not terribly concerned about my weight, however, this time I had put on so much that my clothes were not fitting me anymore. If you know me, you know that I would rather dress up than wear a t-shirt and tennis shoes. Also most girls have a pair of “fat” jeans that they wear when they are not feeling as svelte. Let’s just say I was wearing t-shirts every day and my fat jeans were even too small.

As time continued on towards the middle of the semester, I also began to feel emotionally numb. I couldn’t really feel anything. I didn't feel as anxious but I was becoming more depressed. I had started going to counseling but it didn’t really seem to help much. A and I began to fight constantly about everything. I think we spent more time upset with each other than happy. My lack of ability to feel emotion really hit our relationship hard as well. I finally decided that it was time to see the doctor again. I felt worse than when I had begun treatment. She put me on a different type of antidepressant and asked that I come back for a follow up in a few weeks.

In those few weeks between starting the new medication and going back to see her, A and I broke up. I hadn’t cried so much in such a small time frame ever before. At first there was not much discussion about it but we then later decided it would just be temporary so we could both finish out our last semester of college with some bit of sanity. We did this for about three weeks and then I just couldn’t take it any more. I was always feeling anxious and awkward because I didn’t know how to act. Here was this person that I loved dearly and wanted to be so devoted too but yet I couldn’t right now, but maybe in a few months? I just couldn’t handle it. There was one day that I knew I needed to approach him about the subject. I had no clue what I was going to say, how I was going to bring it up, or anything. I prayed all day that whatever was supposed to happen would and that the words would not be mine but that God would provide them for me. Well the time came and we were walking back from class and I ended it, right then and there. As I sat in class immediately after I couldn’t believe what I had done, but I knew in my heart that what had happened was how it was supposed to be. I didn’t understand why and I didn’t want too at ALL. This was two days before Thanksgiving; put a pretty big damper on my holiday. I went back to the doctor for the follow up on my new medication and while I felt somewhat better and had begun to drop the extra weight, I still felt miserable. She told me that the depression I was experiencing was getting too serious for her to handle and it was time for me to be referred on to a psychiatrist.

I finished out the rest of my semester barely hanging on by a thread. For the first time ever I made two B’s in one semester, but I did successfully defend and pass my Honors Thesis which was a MASSIVE accomplishment for me (That is a whole blog post in itself ha!). A and I had somewhat rekindled in this time frame and I was confident we would be back together once we both had an idea of what our futures looked like in terms of our careers. I had an appointment to see the psychiatrist a few days after Christmas. Graduation came, I had the big party, wore the sashes and cords, decorated my cap and took a millions photos. Christmas came as well and it a very quiet one spent at my parents’ house. I never would have imagined that my graduation would be the last time my family took a photo as four of us and that it would be our last Christmas together.