From the Outside Looking in you'll never understand it; From the Inside Looking out you'll never be able to explain it.

Have you ever felt that horrible frustration of looking at a situation from the outside and not being able to do a darn thing about it? This seems to be a continual theme in my life over the past couple of weeks. I have felt this way about an innumberable amount of relationships in my life: family, friends, my dogs, etc. It is so hard for me to watch people I care about to be in situations and watch them hurt and not be able to fix it all. I sometimes joke that I am actually a guy because I just want to fix everything. I just want everyone I care about to be happy; I don't want to see them suffer, especially when it is avoidable.

I consider myself to have a gift of being able to read people; this is a blessing and a curse. I am not sure how I came to realize I have this gift but it is the strangest thing. I can almost 9 times out of 10 pinpoint how a person will react to a situation, what the outcome will be, etc. The more times I have expeirenced this, the odder it becomes. Maybe this is why I have struggled with copdendency for so long? Because it is so easy for me to see the potentail outcome of a situation, I struggle to watch people I love make decisions that are fruitless and potentially harmful in the long run. I can't imagine what this is going to feel like IF and when I ever have children. I guess this comes back to my issues of feeling the need to be in control. If I can control everything and eliminate potential pain then it makes me happy.

On the flip side though, why do I spend all this time and energy worrying about other people when I completely let my happiness and joy to the wayside? Where is the balance? I have been asked several times over the past few years, what it is that makes me happy and I honestly don't know. I really and truly do not have a single clue. I know there are a few things that make me feel good every now and again, but true happiness???.....What does it mean to even be truly happy?

I know this is a somewhat depressing post, but the things I have been dealing with over the past few weeks are things I NEVER thought I would have to encounter in my entire life, thus my major predicament with dealing with all these situaitons.

Sigh.....To be continued