22 Going on 83

Well only one more week left of being 22 and I can honestly say I will glad to say "Peace Out 22". I spent a lot of time this evening reflecting about everything that has happened since my last birthday. If you know me well, you know that I am not a very emotional person and let me tell you, this got me. Like I have mentioned before, I still have a hard time comprehending everything that has happened in the last 9 months, let alone a year!

Let's see here if I can recap everything that has happened since my last birthday:

-Had a fairly major sinus surgery a week before my birthday last year and a very difficult recovery and wasn't cleared until December.

-Started seeing a counselor for the first time.

-Held the position of VP II-New Member Educator for Zeta.

-Finished my college degree/graduated.

-Wrote and defended my honors thesis.

-Experienced a major break up that ended up going back and forth for six months after the initial breakup.

-Have been on five different anti-depressants and two sleep medications.

-Watched my family fall apart with my parents' divorce and ailing grandparents.

-Worked over 40 hours a week with two jobs for about 4 months.

-Got laid off from one of those jobs.

-Put over $1000 into car repairs.

-Decided to move home after being on my own for 4 years.

-Gained about 20 pounds.

-Had Mono.

I feel like this only scratches the surface of everything I have experienced over the past year, thus the title of this post. I don't feel like I am about to turn 23. I feel like I am about to turn 83. My therapist this week even posed that the thought that my life would probably never be as difficult again as it has been in the past year. Oh and did I mention that I was essentially financially supporting myself through this whole process? I feel old. I feel tired. I feel empty. I want to be taken care of for once instead of me having to take care of everything and everyone else.

I know God works in supernatural ways we can't understand. I know that this is a just a season. I know that it is preparing me for something great. I know these things but I feel weathered. I think that word truly sums it up. I think of an old leather shoe or bag, worn out, dried up, maybe has some tattered edges, and is faded.

 This is my new struggle. I have my faith in a good place but how am I to find that "renewing of the spirit" and let my cup overflow? I deeply desire to be serving others, maintain a positive attitude/outlook, be more involved in my church, be a better friend, daughter, sister , etc. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them. I want to be made whole again.

I have to confess, I actually removed my birthday from facebook a few days ago because I didn't want people to remember it was my birthday. I didn't want people wishing me well and happiness because I know my life isn't in a good place right now. I felt like with every "Happy Birthday" and well wish given to me, it was going to be one more reminder of where my life is right now and that I am not happy or doing well. I know that is a sad sad sad mindset but it just exemplifies how truly weathered I feel. I put it back up by the way, although I still have some crazy mixed emotions about this upcoming birthday (that'll be a post for another day).

I have been praying a lot lately about this particular new struggle I am experiencing. I am praying that God will make me whole again and to give me a positive mindset and outlook on life. I know this will all end at some point, it is just surviving the storm right now.

As always, please continue to pray for me and my family. God is moving in a very wonderful way, so I should have a more positive post with good news next time I post :) .

Until next time, blessings to you all!