Moving Forward, Letting Go, and Having Unwavering Patience

Well Hello Friends! I think my audience might actually be growing, slowly but surely!

It has been a while since I have updated, but not too much craziness has been happening. I have been working even more than normal, like 50+ hour work weeks. I can not complain to much though because I have a final date on my job at MTSU, August 19th. It freaks me out quite a bit but I am trying to really trust God that he is going to open the right doors, but I must admit I am struggling because I also do not have anyone who has signed a lease for next year...Sigh, TRUST, TRUST, TRUST!

One of the greatest things that has happened since I last updated is that one of my dearest friends had her baby! Welcome to the world Emma Joyce Reed! I am so in love with this little girl, she is absolutely beautiful and such a blessing. I absolutely adore her parents, grandparents, and family as well. Here are some pictures of Miss Emma :)

Other than work, I have been continuing to do work on the inside and outside of my house. I was working on getting my back porch cleaned up in hopes of doing some entertaining, but I have had to temporarily cease that work due to tendinitis in my wrist, elbow, and shoulder in my right arm...GRRRR. I was very proud though that I did figure out last night how to light my grill and I grilled some chicken and veggies! Needless to say, I am so hooked! Once I can finish my porch I would love to have all my wonderful friends over for a night of food and fun!

Now for the tough stuff. Things have still been pretty tough lately. I know God is really testing my faithfulness right now in my "Journey to Damascus". I can't remember if I posted this or not, but my doctor added a new medication to my already growing list of medications. I felt like I had gone right back to where I had started almost a year ago and was not about to let that happen. I have started seeing my therapist once a week again and it is back to the psychiatrist every 3-4 weeks. I am struggling because I feel like one of those people from the old cartoons that had a little devil on one shoulder and a little angel on the other. It is a constant battle of fighting depression, sadness, and hopelessness versus wanting to be grateful for my blessings, desiring peace and joy, and a heart that truly trusts God. It is exhausting to say the least.

I had probably the most intense session with my therapist I have had as of yet today and we unearthed quite a bit of dirt. Mostly things about my relationship with my Dad and how that is now negatively affecting me in my day to day life. I literally looked at her said, "I am tired of feeling this way, what can I do?". Unfortunately, I am the type of person that wants a set way to go about solving a problem with a check list of things to do. Life however, is not like this. She reminded me of everything I have encountered over the last 9 months: Graduating College, Starting & Working 2 jobs, Going through a nasty break-up, my parents splitting up in a not so pretty way, and being genetically predisposed to anxiety and depression. It makes my head spin just typing it out. I guess I have somewhat expected things to just get better with a snap of my fingers and that if I put my all into everything I possibly could, it would all work out. I am learning though that this is not necessarily true. Basically to sum up today's session I determined that this process is going to take some serious moving forward, letting Go, and having unwavering patience. I am sure I could write a whole blog on each one of those three topics but I may save that for another time, but that's the pretty big nutshell of it all.

I admit, I feel defeated writing this. Little devil man on my shoulder wants to tell me that I am never going to find happiness, I will never be fulfilled in life, and that I will never be all that I aspire/dream to be. These are the thoughts that have haunted me and plagued me for YEARS and I am just now able to share them. I told my mom and therapist that some days I feel like I need to be locked away in a "Loony Bin" because I just can not seem to handle the way these thoughts make me feel.; thus, I have been encouraged to continue writing as much as possible. It seems to be the only way I can really reach deep deep deep inside and uncover the heart and emotion of so many of these matters that haunt me.

I am so blessed by such incredible people in my life, many of you who are reading this, and it brings me to tears at this moment thinking about how blessed I am by all of you. I thank God for placing you in my life because I know I wouldn't be able to walk through this journey without each one of you. You each have help to support me in your own individually unique way, for which I am eternally grateful. I know without you all, I probably would have lost all faith a really long time ago.

There are literally not enough words in this world to convey my gratitude for all, in which God has blessed me; my greatest prayer is that by the power of Jesus and the Cross, Satan will no longer have any power over me and that this intense battle of spiritual warfare will press on with the full armor of God singing praises to my Savior UNCEASINGLY.

^"10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. " Ephesians 6:10-17

The final part of this passage from Ephesians (6:18-20) is my prayer:

"18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. 19 Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. "


I love each and everyone of you and am mostly grateful that Christ died and allowed me to have eternal salvation. There is truly nothing sweeter than the love of Christ. Thank you for being that sweetness in my life!