Praising God through Gritted Teeth

Well today has been to put it simply, quite a mix of emotions. I know I said I was going to talk about the sermon about the Beatitudes but that it going to get delayed again. I am pretty drained at the moment and would like nothing more than to slip into a TV induced coma, however, I am going to push through that and do my best to reflect on this day. 

Today started out great, I woke up feeling pretty good and had a really wonderful quiet time with God and set off about my day which included a trip to the nail salon and a visit to my old place of employment. I had a great visit with some of my old coworkers. Let me interject here to say that I had been waiting on a call since last week to find out if I had gotten a job that I had interviewed for. Well in the middle of my visit I got the call. The information I got was that they had decided not to hire anyone for this position and they were only going to keep the current employees and rework their schedules. This was a huge disappointment. I had really been hoping that this job would work out because it was everything I had been looking for in a job. It was 40 hours a week, benefit eligble, and the type of job I would be able to work and not have to take home with me at the end of the day. In my prayer time this morning, I prayed that God would allow me to live in a way that would glorify the name of Jesus. Well when you truly ask for something, God answers. As I got back into my car I wanted to say "Really God, Really? Why, I have been through so much lately, can't you just cut me a break for once?" , instead I through gritted teeth (metaphorically speaking) said "Ok God, you know what is best for me and the plan for my life and this job wasn't in it".

After a few more errands, I made my way home, trying my best to stay positive and trust that God was in control. I got back into bed with my pups, as I was still not feeling well from yesterday, and began the job hunt again. At some point earlier in the the day, a verse from a song I had sang in choir came to me. It was from Psalm 139. I looked this up and it proved to be tremendous comfort. Here is that verse:

Psalm 139
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.


This particular Pslam to me feels like aloe does on an intense sunburn. It calms and brings peace to a tormenting heart, such as the way mine felt today. Also as I was falling asleep last night, my sweet puppy Savannah fell asleep on my arm and I looked her and thanked God for even the simpilest blessings. I think that God provides these so many times throughout even our entire day. This is something I have been trying to remember today in the midst of my disappointment, that I still have so much I am blessed with and one job rejection should not be the end of the world for me.

Here is a picture of Savannah that God spoke to me about acknowledging him in even of the smallest of blessings.

Later in the evening, I was able to go to a basketball game to watch my little sister cheer and then have frozen yogurt at Sweet Ce-Ce's (which is AH-MAZING) with my two life long best friends, Caitlin and Brittany. One of the things I have emjoyed most about graduating from college is being able to spend time with them, as well as my other close friends. After we finished, Brittany drove me back home and we had a long visit and conversation about this journey of healing I have been embarking upon. At some point I will explain what this whole journey has been about but for now, we will just say it is a "trifecta" of factors that I am currently dealing with. It has been very hard for me to open up about this journey and it still is, thus one of the reasons I am writing this blog. We had a long chat and again I feel so blessed because she reminded me that I have some incredible friends in my life who I will always be able to trust and who walk with me no matter what. While I have always known this, something about this particular conversation we had made it even more reassuring. I struggle a lot with trust and with my "trifecta" right now trusting people has been even more difficult as I have been very let down by people who I thought I was close too and whom I thought should have been able to trust. Ultimately, I know I have to trust God before I will be able to trust anyone else and I fully admit I do not trust God like I should. Years of let down by various people on earth has led me to live a life that generally trusts no one. My prayer every day is that God would heal my heart and I would be able to fully trust him with my life.

I know this seems like more of a debbie downer post but this is truly my life right now. I am in such this crossroads where I know I can choose to take the narrow path or fall down the path of darkness. I desperately more than anything in this world want and desire to live a life that fully reflects the heart of Jesus Christ. I am begining to be at the point where I am ready to abadon my heart to Christ and do whatever he wants me to do in order to accomplish that. This is so scary to me as I am quite the control freak but I just love Jesus so much, I want this so badly. Like a story my pastor told at church yesterday, a little girl asked her mom that if God was so big he could hold the world in his hands yet he lived in each of us, doesn't that mean he should shine through us? This is what I want....