Many people, Christian and non Christian are familiar with the story of Job. This story has been heavy on my heart lately as I can't help but think I am living a modern day life of Job. It has been a while since I read this story but I plan on diving into this week and seeing what can teach me through this book of the Bible. I have a feeling it is going to be a bumpy, yet eventful ride.
Not too many things have changed since I last posted. I am still on the job hunt and recovering from Mono. I do have to admit, it is incredibly frustrating to me to have to sit and do nothing. You probably think I am crazy right? I am planning on moving back home and it annoys me to no end to have to sit and not pack or clean or the million other things I could be doing; however, I think God is trying to teach me that sometimes we have to literally sit and be still and also that we cannot always do things on our own.
I have been really struggling and soul searching lately with what all this season in my life means and what it is that God is really trying to nail into my very stubborn head. I think I might have finally started to figure it out. God is trying to teach me that I do NOT have control. I am discovering that I have multi-faceted issues with control as a "codependant" and I have let it rule my life for a really long time. I additionally struggle with letting things go, it is virtually impossible for me to do so, it is like telling a fish to try and live outside of water. Earlier on in this journey of mine, I prayed a lot about wanting my life to reflect Jesus and I am beginning to see how this incredibly rocky journey is leading me to that. There is absolutely no way I can be an effective disciple of Christ if I do not wholeheartedly trust his plans and know that literally "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
Now here is the hard part for me. Through my counseling, I have discovered that I have difficulty getting my logic and my emotions to mesh together, i.e. how do I take all these things I know to be truth on one side and then let me feel them and believe them on the other side. This is my struggle. I want more than anyone will understand to be broken free from this bondage but there is a reason I am not. I know that I am missing something. I just can't quite seem to figure out what this missing piece is. I seem to have this inability to get my head and my heart to be in conjunction with one another. They both know great things and truths, but for some reason they don't work together.
I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus through this storm. I mean can you imagine what a testimony it could be? If I could praise God and know that he truly is going to guide me through this storm because I know people probably are looking from the outside thinking "Wow, her life sucks" and I want to be able to respond with "Actually No, it is quite the contrary. God is preparing me for something greater than I could ever imagine and teaching me lessons I would have never been able to learn otherwise." That it what I want to be able to say and WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe every single syllable of it.
If you do read this, please continue to keep me and your family in your prayers. I do in the very depths of my soul want to conquer with Christ this storm/season, I just need the continued encouragement. I am so thankful to those of you who have sent me cards and other messages of encouragement, they mean more to me than you will know. You all are truly exhibiting what it means to show Christ's love to a sister in Christ. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
One final thought. We sang a hymm this morning in church and the chorus was immesnely moving to me. The holy spirit laid it upon my heart very deeply. It was
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Until next time, I will be searching for my missing piece and continuing to find the Blessing in Brokenness.
In Christ's Grace, Love, and Mercy
Chloe
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