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Well as I sit here and begin to write this post, I can not come up with a title for this post. I am not even sure where to begin this one. My last post talked about be unsettled and frustrated. I made a list of things I was feeling unsettled about and now I am not sure if I have more things to add to that list or if I should take some things away from it.

I keep thinking that surely I have hit rock bottom and that there is no way God is going to let me go through anything else; well I can humbly say now that is not true. This past week I came down with a horrible cold/sinus infection/upper respiratory infection. I had a physical done last Friday (a week ago) and the Doctor called me on Monday and told me I had Mono. I felt like death, I didn't know how I was going to manage work. I missed MTSU Monday and worked the hospital that night and then went in to MTSU for an hour Tuesday and would miss the hospital; however, I had a meeting with my boss Tuesday that she asked me if I could still come in for. I went to the meeting and they eliminated my position, i.e. no more hospital job.

 I am still trying to comprehend what all this means. I really think God is truly teaching me a pretty difficult lesson about obedience, humbleness, and trust right now.I left the hospital distraught and all I could think is that God you must really have something in store for me that I can not see at this moment. I can tell you that I am scared out of my whits. I know I have the option of moving home but I have been strongly advised not too and I have another opportunity that would be a part time job with free living expenses but it would require me to give up my house and my dogs. I am sitting in my living room right now with my two pups and it is hard for me to imagine giving up two of things that have brought me such solace and peace during such a tumultuous time in my life. I have been reflecting on this since I found out about my job at the hospital. God has brought to my mind several stories from the Bible of sacrifice, the woman who gave her last penny, the merchant who sold everything for a pearl (i.e. the Kingdom of heave represented by the pearl), Jesus says to sell all your earthly possessions in order to build treasure in heaven. I am in a place now where I have turned over my dating life to Christ and sacrificed it so now I am wondering, am I being called to give up my dogs and my house? Am I being called to be very humbled financially and out of my earthly possessions?

 I confess I am highly conflicted, terrified, and have no idea what is next. I know I have to make a decision very quickly and feel highly unprepared to do so. I am totally abandoned to Christ at this point, so many of the things that have been idols in my life are now being removed. My prayer is that I will be able to effectively carry out and discern what it is that God is asking me to do right now.

Now let's take a look at that list I posted in my last post and see how many of those issues are still issues:

• I need roommates, without them I can not afford to stay in my house. About 95% sure I will have to move out due to losing hospital job.
• My MTSU jobs ends August 19th, I will barely be able to live off of my hospital income. Will be applying to be a substitue teacher and will probably be rent free now.
• I want to go to Grad school but don't know where, which program, or how I will get there.
• I found out I am working Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day-hadn't even been able to begin thinking about how different holidays will be now, let alone having to work on them. Not working at hospital anymore, thus not an issue.
• In my counseling, I have unearthed some new dirt that reveals many of my struggles with relationships; it makes me feel defeated and that I will never have a functional happy marriage or a family of my own.
• Despite my decision to not date right now, there is still a sense of loneliness that surrounds me. Don't want to provide details on this now, but have been given a peace about this and have too many other things to worry about to be lonely! 
• I have been on anti-depressants for 11 months now and in counseling for 9-10 months and fee like I have made no progress. I now have to take two anti-depressants daily plus a sleeping pill at night just to be able to function somewhat "normally". Diagnosed with Mono, thus explaining mood swings and having a sleep study and stress test done to rule out other potential contributing issues.

Ok so now I have 2 things on this list. I can never ever say God doesn't answer prayers, it may just not be in the form we wanted it or expected it to be.