Well I figured it is about time for me to update since it has been a good few days. I am so beyond thrilled to see that my audience is growing! I am not sure what God has planned in for me in writing this blog but I know that he is working through it in some shape or form.
The biggest update I have is that I have made the difficult decision to move home. The goal is to be out by August 31st. I know that seems like a while a way but there is a growing list of things that have to be done around the house in order to get it rented, plus I still need to find tenants. I feel oddly at peace about the decision. It is only temporary but I feel like it is where I am supposed to be. Lately I have been struggling in a way in which I have never struggled before. I have wanted to "stick my head in the sand" and just pretend that everything that is happening in my life isn't. There is a fine line to walk when you are experiencing hard times, that is walking the line of knowing that everything is going to be OK versus pretending your present life situations don't exist. I still can't believe all these different things have happened in less than a year, it still blows my mind, feels like it has been going on for years.
Besides moving, life has been pretty settle surprisingly. I have found myself with time on my hands which is quite the oddity for me. I have still been really tired and sleeping a lot as well. I have been having a variety of medical tests done to make sure I do not have any other problems affecting my mood. I had a stress test done for my heart and that all came back good, which was good news. I had a sleep study done, which was quite an interesting experience to say the least. I haven't received the results from that yet, but I will have them next week thankfully. I am very anxious to get the results.
I went to see my psychiatrist today. I have been frustrated with the most recent medication I have been on because it has caused a significant amount of weight gain. Looking at me you probably can't tell, but a lot of my clothes are uncomfortable and do not fit properly. Well with that being said, he took me off that one and now I am on medication #5 and increasing my sleeping medication. If you have never suffered from anxiety and/or depression let me tell you, finding the right medication is one of the most frustrating things in the entire world. It is a miserable feeling, to feel like you aren't in control of your emotions and yourself. It is so frustrating to feel happy one minute and then so down the next when nothing has changed. I have officially been taking medicine for over a year now. I asked my doctor today if was normal to have to have tried so many different medications in such a long time period and he said it is all about trial and error. I also again have to be reminded that I have had A LOT happen to me in a short 9 months.
I hope and pray more than anything that this latest adjustment on my medication will help me to stabilize. It is hard to move forward with coping with everything else when I do not even feel stable in my own body and mind. It is such a wretched illness. I do not wish it upon anyone. It is like someone has a remote control to my brain and just is constantly playing with the channels, volume, contrast, brightness, etc. and I am just the machine, subject to whatever the remote control tells me to do. What I would give to wake up one day and just be happy and joyful just because...Seriously I never knew how precious some things in life really are.
I am still struggling to see what God is teaching me through this whole season in my life and also what he is doing to work through me right now. I will confess, I am tired, my faith feels dry and God feels distant. I know that I haven't been doing my part to feel close to him. I still love God more than anything in this world but I guess because I have always given 110% to everything else in my life I feel like this aspect should be easy--that's the wrong mindset though. No one ever said being a Christian would be easy. I should be giving my all, 125 % to my walk with Christ and not just the leftovers...hmmm I may have just counseled through this whole predicament I am in.
Right now I am just tired and empty, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I wish more than anything in this world a chauffeur would show up at my door and say "I am here to take you on a private jet to the beach". I feel like a need time and space away from everything and everyone to clear my heart and my head and get totally refocused. I know that this isn't going to happen any time soon though so I will have to do my best to do those things here. God wants me here where I am for a reason and he is with me no matter where I am, he is just waiting for me to reach out to him.
Thank you Jesus!
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