Everything in my life seemed and felt perfect. I even remember taking pictures on that Sunday and looking at them couldn't help but think how "picture perfect" everything felt in my life at that time, and I will say that I was grateful for those blessings. I had a wonderful family who lived 2 miles down the road, the most adorable dogs in the world, working on my second to last semester of school, had a great internship lined up for the summer, a beautifully decorated home, an executive position in my sorority, an incredible boyfriend that worshipped the ground I walked on and we had just become an offiicial couple on this day as well (he was also incredibly handsome, loved his family, was athletic a christian, adored my dogs, my whole family loved him, and he was a good cook!), a 3.9 GPA, a thesis in the works, financially stable, a 12 day vacation planned for that summer, the best friends one could ask for, relatively decent health, and I attended church almost every single Sunday and considered myself to be a fairly devout Christian. Life was GOOD.
I can not help but think how so much can change in simply 365 days. My life is 180 degrees today from where it was last Easter. Where to even begin it is hard to decide. I guess I will pick up from Easter. Well after Easter, summer came and it was by far the best summer of my entire life. I worked at an internship on campus that I absolutely loved and got paid as well so I didn't have to hold down an additional job. The hours were great and I didn't have to work weekends. I spent virtually every spare moment with my boyfriend who from here on out I will refer to as A. We could I guess what you say "played house" all summer. He practically lived with me and we enjoyed having our little family with my two dogs and my house. My roommates were frequently gone so we had the house to ourselves most of the time. We would cook meals, work on the house/yard, take the dogs to the park , go to my family meals etc. It was pure bliss. Like I mentioned previously, he worshiped the ground I walked on. He would do all sorts of things around the house for me and surprise me with things and treat me like a true princess.
-Quick side note-some of you may not know this but when I was in high school I was in a relationship for almost four years. This relationship ended after my first semester of college (Fall 2006) and I had not seriously dated anyone until this point, so it was kinda a big deal.-
I traveled to Florida, the Bahamas, and A's hometown in Virginia to meet all of his family. It was the most incredible trip. I had never felt more in love with a person and believed that I had met the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I also experienced something that was very new to me while I was with his family. That new experience was what is was like to be with a family in a place that felt like home. You see, things in my family of orgin and household had been rocky for a few years, basically since I had moved out and I avoided going there as much as possible. The night before A and I were to travel back to Tennessee, I found myself crying because I didn't want to leave what felt like home. It was the first time I felt like I had ever been "welcomed home" and leaving it was virtually unbearable. This was in early July.
A and I went back to Tennessee and back to our routine of "playing house". After we came back, something had begun to change and we began to get into more disagreements or as I like to say "discussions". We got through it and schlepped it off as the newness just wearing off and various other stressors. Well then one day it happened. A day that I will never forget. I will forever refer to this day as the "Pasta Day". On this particular day, I was about to leave for work and A offered me some leftover pasta that I had wanted him to eat for lunch that day. I lost it. I was literally yelling at him through gritted teeth, "I DON'T WANT THE PASTA!". I left angry and fuming the whole way to work thinking to myself that I was going to end everything that night when I got home. A few hours later at work, I was relaying the story to a coworker who was older than me and somewhat of a mother figure and as I heard the words coming out of my mouth, I couldn't help but think how ridiculous it all sounded.
On this day I realized for the first time that apparently I had a lot of repressed feelings and a major battle to be fought with anxiety and what would eventually also develop into depression. I realized that I was hurting the person I cared for and loved most. I was out of control of my emotions and just flying off the handle for no apparent reason. One minute I could be happy and then the next furious. I was a hot mess. This was what also had been contributing to our increase in "discussions". Truth be told, I had been battling with anxiety since probably about the 4th grade. I told my mom I decided I was ready to get help and for her to keep me accountable. So I made a doctor's appointment and tried to mentally prepare myself. Little did I know that I would be embarking on what would be the begining of a heart wrenching journey.
That is all for part 2. The pictures below are pictures from Easter one year ago. It was a beautiful and incredible day I will never forget.
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