Part 4
Part 3 yesterday left off at Christmas. As I mentioned, Christmas was quiet. I was actually sick with a sinus infection and missed Christmas Eve service for I am pretty sure what the first time in my life. A few days after Christmas, I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist. Surprisingly it went better than I had expected. We discussed my history and the medication I was presently taking. Though I was feeling better than I had on the first medication, the psychiatrist decided to change the medication, yet again (making this the 3rd antidepressant I had been prescribed). For some reason when I made the switch to this medication, my body had a very difficult time adjusting. Oh and A and I got into a huge fight yet again and were not speaking once more.
That whole week I did nothing but sleep all day every day. I felt like I had hit rock bottom. Here I was a college graduate with no job prospects, no more boyfriend, and getting an inside look (since I was at my parents’ house for the holidays) at what was the beginning of the end of my parents’ marriage. New Years Eve finally rolled around and I was supposed to go over to my friends’ house for a joint party she and my other best friend were throwing. I was also supposed to leave for what was called the Passion 2011 Conference in Atlanta the next day. I knew I was in a really bad place because I did not want to go to the party or to Atlanta at all. It didn’t help either that I was originally supposed to be in Virginia with A celebrating New Years and now we weren’t even speaking. During the day on New Years Eve that day it was surprisingly warm and I took my dogs to the bark park hoping some sunshine and fresh air would do me some good. I felt a little bit better but was still unsure about going to the party. My mom and I stopped at the grocery store after the bark park and I remember feeling like I was about to burst into tears any second. I decided I was not going to the party, there was just no way I could be social. We got back to my parents’ house and I told my mom I didn’t want to talk or see anybody. I went up to my sisters’ room laid down on her bed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I couldn’t help but think that this was a precursor as to how 2011 was going to be for me.
The next morning I got up extra early to finish packing for Passion, I still had no desire to attend despite the encouragement of my family and friends. The church even paid for me to go because I knew that I would not have a job anymore and it was not a cheap conference to attend, and I had even tried to see if there was anyone at the last minute who wanted to take my spot. I had run out of excuses so I had to go. I had attended this conference before and knew that God would move in powerful ways. I was so empty and drained that I didn’t even want to feel God’s presence.
As I sat on the bus, I couldn’t help but think about how radically my life had changed in a matter of just a few weeks. You see I am a planner. I like to know where I am going, how I am going to get there, and the things I need to get there. For the first time in my life, I was planless. I had NO CLUE what was next. All these thoughts consumed me so I figured the best way to feel at peace would be to write. So I grabbed my trusty blackberry and went at it. Here is what I wrote:
Wow, I can't believe that a whole year has passed by yet again! This last year was certainly an interesting one. It was full of many ups and I downs. I do find it ironic that I began the first day of 2010 sobbing because I was so downtrodden and hopeless and then ended the last day of the year sobbing uncontrollably because of finally facing the demons that have haunted me for so long. I am so grateful that Andrew was a part of my life for the past year and was a catalyst to helping me realize how much I needed help. My heart still breaks when I think about what happened to our relationship and I am still mourning over the loss of that relationship. I know that this is where God wants us to be though. It is a daily struggle for me to rely on God and know that everything is as it should be. I have decided that I am going to have a theme verse for this upcoming year and strive to live by that verse every day. That verse is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: " 16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I think that this is something I seriously need to focus on and will be the ideal verse for me to focus on. I also am praying for this upcoming year to be a year of healing for me. I need healing in every single aspect of my life right now. I have never been so broken and despondent. I am so tired of fighting these demons. I want so badly to wake up and be able to praise God simply because he blessed me with another day! I know deep down, I truly have a heart that beats for Christ and desires so so so badly to share his love. It has brought me so much joy to love on other people. I have remarked before that I believe one of my gifts is an incredible capacity to love others. How though can I love others when I can't even love myself? By not loving myself is that not a slap in the face to God? Does that not say to him "I don't like who you have made me" ?? I want to be freed from these demons more than anyone will ever know. I feel like prodigal son who became so desperate that he desired the food that the pigs ate. I am so desperate for any glimmer of relief. I know God has allowed me to walk in this valley though because I am such a stubborn person that God is treating me like peter in Luke 23:31 when he has allowed Satan to sift him as wheat. I know there are things in my heart, mind, and soul that are strongholds and roadblocks to advancing my relationship with Christ. I know that I am in the place I am now because I can't take a hint lol !!! I am grateful though that I am learning to walk through this storm now while I am a single woman with no husband or children to have to drag through this journey with me. It is just Jesus and Me. I know the road is going to be dark and rocky at some points but I know that "God works for the good of those who love him" and that faith even "as small as a mustard seed can move mountains". My faith is small now but not nonexistent! As I am literally on the physical journey to the Passion Conference right now, I am praying that I feel the sweetness of God in my life and I may have a heart full of joy. I know it is going to be a journey but that Christ is walking with me every step of the way. It is my prayer that one year from today I can say that God has done a healing in my life that is something only he could accomplish in my life and that I would be content in the places that he leads me to go. To God be the glory forever and ever!!!!!
To be continued tomorrow…
No comments:
Post a Comment