Part 3
I left off yesterday by saying I had finally made an appointment to talk to the doctor about all the mood swings I had been having. I finally went and as I had predicted, by the time the appointment rolled around, I was resistant to going. You see, my mood and mindset would fluctuate so rapidly it was very scary. The best thing I can describe would be like the play Jekyll and Hyde. One minute I was a kind compassionate person and the next something would cause something to snap and I would become this mean, angry, conniving person. After I would have a “Hyde” moment I would look back at how I had acted and be utterly mortified at how I had acted. I described this all to the doctor and she prescribed me a low-dosage anti-depressant and suggested I seek counseling.
I began taking the medication at the end of July and after about two weeks started to feel better. I was so thrilled at how more in control of my emotions I felt and A even noticed as well. This was good timing because my last semester of college was about to begin in a few weeks and I wanted to be ready to grab it by the horns. A few weeks later I underwent a sinus surgery that left me out of commission for about two weeks and then it was time for my last semester of college began.
I knew going into this last semester that it was going to be very challenging. I was taking 12 hours, writing a thesis, serving as Vice President of New Member Education for my sorority, working 20 hours a week, and attempting to maintain my relationship with A. A and I knew that it would be hard on our relationship but we figured we would have to work that much harder. The semester began well but as things began to get more stressful after the first month of classes I began to feel like I was coming unglued again. My doctor had said that if things became more stressful we could double my dosage on my medication. I doubled my medication but as I did so I began to feel more negative side affects of it. I began to gain weight which ordinarily I was not terribly concerned about my weight, however, this time I had put on so much that my clothes were not fitting me anymore. If you know me, you know that I would rather dress up than wear a t-shirt and tennis shoes. Also most girls have a pair of “fat” jeans that they wear when they are not feeling as svelte. Let’s just say I was wearing t-shirts every day and my fat jeans were even too small.
As time continued on towards the middle of the semester, I also began to feel emotionally numb. I couldn’t really feel anything. I didn't feel as anxious but I was becoming more depressed. I had started going to counseling but it didn’t really seem to help much. A and I began to fight constantly about everything. I think we spent more time upset with each other than happy. My lack of ability to feel emotion really hit our relationship hard as well. I finally decided that it was time to see the doctor again. I felt worse than when I had begun treatment. She put me on a different type of antidepressant and asked that I come back for a follow up in a few weeks.
In those few weeks between starting the new medication and going back to see her, A and I broke up. I hadn’t cried so much in such a small time frame ever before. At first there was not much discussion about it but we then later decided it would just be temporary so we could both finish out our last semester of college with some bit of sanity. We did this for about three weeks and then I just couldn’t take it any more. I was always feeling anxious and awkward because I didn’t know how to act. Here was this person that I loved dearly and wanted to be so devoted too but yet I couldn’t right now, but maybe in a few months? I just couldn’t handle it. There was one day that I knew I needed to approach him about the subject. I had no clue what I was going to say, how I was going to bring it up, or anything. I prayed all day that whatever was supposed to happen would and that the words would not be mine but that God would provide them for me. Well the time came and we were walking back from class and I ended it, right then and there. As I sat in class immediately after I couldn’t believe what I had done, but I knew in my heart that what had happened was how it was supposed to be. I didn’t understand why and I didn’t want too at ALL. This was two days before Thanksgiving; put a pretty big damper on my holiday. I went back to the doctor for the follow up on my new medication and while I felt somewhat better and had begun to drop the extra weight, I still felt miserable. She told me that the depression I was experiencing was getting too serious for her to handle and it was time for me to be referred on to a psychiatrist.
I finished out the rest of my semester barely hanging on by a thread. For the first time ever I made two B’s in one semester, but I did successfully defend and pass my Honors Thesis which was a MASSIVE accomplishment for me (That is a whole blog post in itself ha!). A and I had somewhat rekindled in this time frame and I was confident we would be back together once we both had an idea of what our futures looked like in terms of our careers. I had an appointment to see the psychiatrist a few days after Christmas. Graduation came, I had the big party, wore the sashes and cords, decorated my cap and took a millions photos. Christmas came as well and it a very quiet one spent at my parents’ house. I never would have imagined that my graduation would be the last time my family took a photo as four of us and that it would be our last Christmas together.
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