Part 5
Hello Friends! I am sorry I missed yesterday, I just wasn't feeling it for some reason. I really would love nothing more than to go to bed right now as I am fighting a SPUH-LIITTING headache, however, I am committed to writing and sharing so I am going to do so.
I last left off with my writing that I had done on the way to Passion. I will admit that even though I did not want to go at all, since I was pretty much forced to go, I did somewhere deep inside hope that maybe this was what I needed to turn things around in my life. Well guess what? It didn't happen...at that moment at least... Yes there were some incredible sermons but nothing rocked me to my core like I was secretly hoping it would. I came home feeling a tinge better than prior to leaving but still feeling pretty lost.
The next few weeks went by and I was still staying at my parents' house. I kept myself busy and occupied by going through and organizing things, putting away Christmas decorations, cleaning, spending some time with friends, watching TV, etc. This routine went on for about two weeks and I finally decided it was head back to my house. Oh and you may have wondered what happend to A through alll this. It continued to be a roller coaster. One day we were speaking and the next day we weren't. I finally got back to my house and got settled back in. I spent the first few days putting away Christmas decorations (it was mid January at this point) cleaning, organizing, and pretty much anything to keep myself busy. I did some days not get out of bed except to let the dogs out.
I continued the job search without any progress. One day I went to eat with my Dad and I ran into someone who I had worked with when I interned at MTMC. She and I were catching up and she told me about a job opening I should appy for as she thought I would be a great fit. I was so excited and put in my application as soon as I could. I interviewed for the job about a week later. I did not hear anything for a while but I tried not to get discouraged. At this point, things with A began to look up and take a turn for the better. We had some very long conversations trying to untangle the mess that our relationship had become. I traveled to Knoxville the weekend of Valentines Day to have a fun relaxing weekend with my dear friend Elizabeth. I am so grateful for her friendship and what an incredible friend she is. We had such a fun weekend, it was a much needed mini-vacation!
I came back from Knoxville and somehow survived Valentines Day. If you know me well, you know I hate mushy gushy lovey dovey stuff. Romance to me is something much different and deeper than that. I also believe that if Valentines Day is a day about love, then persons should celebrate all the relationships in their lives in which there is love, not just romantic ones. I finally got the call from the hospital the day after Valentines Day. I didn't get the job, they acutally decided not to hire anyone. I was devestated. Just when things were starting to look up it all to me felt like it had gone down the crapper. I spent the rest of that week moping, not getting out of bed unless it was completely necessary. In a turn of events, by the next week or so later the job had been reposted as part-time. I immediately reapplied and by the next day got a call asking if I was still interested in the job. Also on this day, I got a call asking if I would be interested in going to work for the office of Greek Affairs at MTSU part-time. I couldn't believe it! Everything was just seemed to all the sudden be falling back into place! Long story short I ended up acctepting both positions. I began training the next week for my MTSU job and then the next week had orientation for the hospital and then began both jobs. This was the first week of March.
Life seemed almost like it was starting to look up again. I had gotten two jobs , A and I were headed towards getting back together, I was exercising again, and I was getting back on track in my walk with Christ and felt like I was learning/growing so much. There is one part though that I was still struggling with. My Dad and I had been spending more time together and with each conversation I began to become more concerned about the stability of his and my mom's marriage. I tried not to let it affect me but it was nearly impossible. One Saturday in particular we were eating breakfast and I noticed he was not wearing his wedding band anymore. I questioned him about it and he brushed it off and told me not to worry about it. Yeah right, me not worry about it??? That's like giving a dog a piece of steak and telling him not to eat it. I held back most of the tears in the restaurant. I got into my car and sobbed and sobbed. I finally got the strength to call one of my good friends, Brittany, and I went to her house and talked with her for a couple of hours. Again, I am so thankful for such good friends and that they live nearby! Well that night A and I got into yet again, only this time we did not speak for two weeks afterward.
The next two weeks went by and at this point I was pretty much in a good routine with both of my jobs. I was still pretty depressed about everything going on though. I had also been prescribed sleeping pills by my psychiatrist because I was not sleeping well due to the side affects of my anti-depressent medication. For those two weeks, I would come home immediately and go to bed. I could not handle being social, talking to anyone, or even eating. I just wanted the burdens and pain to go away. I felt like I was simply a shell of a person/human body just existing and going through the motions of life. I missed church two Sundays in a row because I could not get myself out of bed I was so down. I had begun to lose hope. I couldn't find comfort in anything but sleep. My faith was slowing begining to slip away, the scriptures that had so often brought me comfort and that I frequently shared with others seemed just like words on paper. God felt like a distant aquaintance. That brings me to about two weeks ago and if I thought it couldn't get any worse, well I thought very wrong.
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