Part 6-The Final Part
I left off yesterday with talking about how I had two really rough weeks in which A and I were not speaking and I was upset about my Dad not wearing his wedding band. Two weeks ago tomorrow (Saturday) A finally agreed to talk to me after our two week hiatus. I was really scared and nervous. I spent the hour and a half prior to us talking that night praying, reading scriptures, worshiping, and meditating. I had no idea what was in store but I let it all go into God’s hands. I felt like he was asking me to give up my relationship with A for right now and that I had to be willing to make that sacrifice. I didn’t want to but I knew that is what I was being called to do.
A and I talked and it was a calm and collected conversation. Basically he believed that we were not supposed to be together at all, ever again and that we were not meant to be together forever. Like I said, I had come to a place of peace about giving up the relationship for the present, but I was not ready to hear that it was permanent. I cried and cried and cried. That was Saturday night.
Sunday came and I couldn’t force myself out of bed to go to church yet again because I was too depressed. I knew I really needed to cut my grass because it had gotten pretty long. I finally forced myself up and outside and I began on the endless amounts of yard work that needed to be completed. My Dad came over and we went to Lowe’s to get some more concrete blocks to try and keep my dog Georgia from escaping from the backyard. He and I worked for several hours. When we got done he and I were standing outside drinking some water and he told me he had something he wanted to tell me. He told me that he had served my mom with divorce papers. I surprisingly wasn’t that shocked but then again maybe I was so in shock it just didn’t sink in. I held it together long enough to say goodbye to him and then when he was out of sight, I laid my head down on the shovel I was holding and started to cry. I managed to get my yard work tools picked up and put in the garage but by the time I made it into the kitchen I collapsed on my kitchen floor and sobbed uncontrollably.
I had only cried so hard in my life one time before and that was when I found out my grandmother had passed away unexpectedly. I have no idea how long I laid there on the kitchen floor. I know it was long enough to create a pool of tears on the floor. I began trying to text some of my friends to see if they were free. I couldn’t get through to anyone. I finally got through to A and we talked briefly before one of my friends called me back. That was Sunday night.
Monday came around and I decided to talk to my mom about everything when I got off that night. I went over to my parents and sat down with her at the kitchen table. I can remember telling her that this was a conversation I had hoped I never had to have and that it was by far the hardest conversation I had ever had. Turns out my mom didn’t know my dad had told me everything so I caught her extremely off guard. Watching her cry and be in so much pain was one of the worst things I have ever gone through. She wanted me to help her tell my sister who was at her boyfriend’s house at that moment. She went and picked her up and brought her to my house. We went in my room and shut the door and my mom told her. My sister ran out of my house and down the street she was so devastated. She ended up staying with me that night and part of the next day. That was Monday night.
I can honestly say that those three days were the worst three days of my entire life. I have never cried so much in such a short amount of time. I didn’t actually cry again for almost a whole other week and a half after that because I had no tears left to cry. Since then things have still been up and down. A and I went through another disagreement which resulted in us vowing to never to speak to one another again. He said some things to me that were very hurtful and showed me that I couldn’t have a person with the type of attitude he was exhibiting in my life right now. I am still incredibly heartbroken and do miss him every single day, but God clearly answered my prayer of “If A was supposed to be in my life to let him stay, if not to take him out”. Well obviously I got my answer on that one.
Things are still up in the air with my family and no one is really sure at this point what is next. I just keep praying a lot and ask for your prayers for them as well. There are still so many unanswered questions and details that have to be worked out. I am extremely struggling with knowing what is and is not my place in this whole situation. You see I was also diagnosed as being “Codependent” which means I base my feelings/happiness all on other people. I basically do not know what makes me happy, I do not know that I am extremely wonderful person, and I struggle to set appropriate boundaries. I am still working both part time jobs with my MTSU job ending around June1, not sure what will come after that, except I will be continuing my hospital job. I am still seeing my psychiatrist once a month and my therapist every two weeks. I am terrified of having to start dating again but am not in any hurry whatsoever to start. I just know that I am going to have the most amazing husband in the entire world one day, I do have a peace about that at least!
I have begun to have some reflection on all this in the past week as I have been writing this blog about what all these means as far as my spiritual/faith walk means. I will save that for tomorrow though, as I am sure it will be a bit lengthy J . I believe that sharing this story will very much help in my healing process. It is still very hard for me to go back and reread the words I have written because it is a reminder that this is all real and happening. I hope that it has touched someone in some way or another. I recently read a line from The Purpose Driven Life book that said “Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts. The things you’re most embarrassed about, most ashamed of, and most reluctant to share are the very tools God can use most powerfully to heal others”. I believe this wholeheartedly can be applied to this season of my life. Until tomorrow, praying that God is moving in each persons’ life who has read this blog and that He will teach you something great from this
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