Changing Seasons

Hello Blogging World!

I cannot believe it has been two months since I updated! The last two months have been a very difficult change to say the least. I moved home at the end of August and well it has been one extremely hard transition. I don't think one can ever be mentally prepared enough to move back home after having been on their own for over four years. It is definitely a better situation for me financially but mentally and emotionally it has been absolutely wretched.

The majority of September was very busy week for me at MTSU. I worked full time hours for several of the weeks due to recruitment, back to school activities and my boss being out of town for and extended period of time. Things are starting to slow down. I had free time this evening and afternoon for the first time in what seemed like forever; however this isn't entirely true. This has been one of the first days in MONTHS that I haven't wanted to lock myself in my room and hide from the world. Like I said, this transition home really has taken a toll on me and I am just now starting to come out of this valley I have been in for the past two months.

This has definitely been one of the worst depression episodes I have ever encountered. I must admit after moving home I began to be angry with God. I confess that I haven't been to church in about the past two months as well. If you have read any of my previous posts you know that the past year has been quite the tumultuous year to put it simply. I think my snapping point in my faith happened one day when I was having car problems. I have had a vast amount of car problems in the past six months that have totalled thousands of dollars in repairs. I had gone to pick up my car after having something else fixed and I started driving home and it felt like I had a flat tire. I turned around and took it right back to the shop (turns out they had not put the tire back on all the way-super scary). I called my mom to come right back to get me. By the time we got home I was in tears. The tears started and just wouldn't seem to stop. Now I have cried a lot over the past year but normally I cry for about ten minutes and I am over whatever had made me upset. This particular time though I seemed to be totally out of control, I cried for probably an hour and a half. 

I have not given up on God and I know he hasn't given up on me but I think that I just came to a point where I felt like I had been pouring myself into my faith for so long and it felt like I was praying to a brick wall-things just always seemed to go from bad to worse to even worse to horrific. I think I just decided somewhere in my heart God and I were in a Mexican stand off-I felt like he wasn't listening to me therefore I wasn't going to listen to him or speak to him. I know deep down that this is just Satan trying to pry me loose from my faith but it is something I have never experienced in my faith walk before either. It is so hard to describe because I want to be strong in my faith again but I am so resentful of all the things that have happened to me that it is keeping me from God. I know I need to let go, leave the past in the past, and look to the future and trust God. I received a beautiful flower arrangement from an anonymous person and they instructed me to read 1 Peter 1:6-7.

⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

I have read this verse before but it really hit me like a ton of bricks and feel guilty for trying to run from God. I really want to strengthen my walk with Christ and be in a place of total surrender and trust. I feel like the woman who was begging for a drink at the well, I long and thirst to be close with Christ again.



Well I think that is enough for one post. I am starting to feel hopeful for the first time in a really long time and am praying that with this change in the seasons so will come a season of change in my life. I really want to end this year on a strong note and end it praising God more than ever before. If you are struggling with anything in your life right now, I really want to encourage you to just keep hanging in there and know that God is still there even in the darkest and worst of storms, just keep your eyes focused on the cross. Who else will know your pain more than Christ himself?

Reflections of 22

This is the continuation of “Finding My Missing Piece”.

I can’t believe that I am now 23 and that another year has gone by. It seriously feels like just a few weeks ago that I was celebrating my 22^nd birthday. I also still have a hard time fathoming everything that has taken place in my life since my birthday last year. I think I posted a little bit of a recap in one of my previous posts. Someone recently told me that I will look back on this season of my life and wonder how in the world I ever made it through. I have one answer: my God, my savior, my faith. Without my relationship with Christ, I really don’t know that I would have been able to be as resilient as I have been through this whole season. My walk hasn’t always been close throughout this whole season but God NEVER let me go, not once.

I know that there is still a long trek ahead of me but the light is beginning to appear at the end of the tunnel. I am moving home this week which will be a drastic change but I believe wholeheartedly that God wants me there. I also am starting my new job this week with VIP Murfreesboro Magazine. My parents’ divorce should also be final any day now- I am stunned at how quickly it has proceeded, but it is actually a huge blessing; we will all now be able to move forward with our lives. Let me tell you, I am beyond terrified of all these changes, but I know that God is faithful and that if I pour my heart into him he will be faithful in return. Yes life won’t be as easy as it has been in the past, but we are not called to live an easy life all the time. This is a season of healing, hard work, perseverance, and most importantly, trusting God fully.

I seriously cannot thank all of those enough who have been so supportive, loving, and encouraging during this season. I look forward to being able to do the same for all of those people in the future. I for once at am a loss of words of what else to say. I guess if I had to sum up everything I have learned/am learning and offer advice to anyone going through a seriously difficult season, I would say that at the end of the day all that matters is that you have your salvation. I remember when I first began college, I said that I wanted to be in a place in my life that if all that I had was the clothes on my back and my salvation that I would be content. Let me tell you, if you truly seek something that is going to bring God glory then it is going to happen. I am thankful I have more than the clothes on my back; however, I do in a certain sense that right now all I do have left is my salvation. Is it easy- No, Am I thankful for what I have learned through it all, YES.

 I am looking forward to 23 and what God will be doing in my life for the next year. I truly want to keep my heart totally poured into him.

I will end this post with a prayer.

Most Gracious and Heavenly Father,

There are no words to express what is in my heart right now and thankful I am that you never let go. Lord I would be nothing without you. I pray that as I begin 23 you lay heavy on my heart the desire to pour myself fully into you. I ask for an unquenchable thirst for your word. I ask for continued contentment. I pray for discernment in all decision making and that everything I say and do will be a reflection of your Love, Mercy, and Grace. Lord I pray that you prepare my heart to be in a relationship with my future husband; prepare his as well and make him into the man that is a reflection of you. I ask for healing for my family and that they will come closer to you. I pray that my heart will earnestly beat for nothing but YOU. Thank You Lord, Thank You, Thank You.

In your son’s most precious holy name, Jesus.

Amen

Finding My Missing Piece

Wow where to even begin this post escapes me! Since I have last posted there are a lot of things that have happened. I will do my best to capture it all.

I just spent the weekend with about 130 7th-12th graders at an event called "Disciple Now". This is a long standing tradition in our youth group. It is a weekend devoted to learning what it means to become a true follower of Christ. I can remember going to my very first disciple now as a 7th grader 11 years ago. It feels like it was just yesterday! I served as a counselor and got to work with a group of 8th graders. I feel like I took as much from the weekend as the youth did. I was excited about going to this event, because as noted in my last post, I was feeling empty and weathered. I was immensely looking forward to being able to be around the body of Christ for an entire weekend. I was also very blessed to be in a host home with a wonderful couple from my church who I believe have a very Godly marriage and are wonderful leaders in the youth group. The theme verse for this weekend was Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

On Friday night the title of the message was "Do Not Conform". If you looked at my life from the outside you would think I was a "Good Girl". Yes I have made my mistakes and sinned in ways that I am very ashamed of, but I have asked for forgiveness and no longer live in those patterns of sin. I have always been the "Good Girl", so I conforming to the patterns of this world didn't seem like it was that big of an issue for me. Ha, boy was I wrong. I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I felt like I was missing something about this whole season of my life that I am in. I know that God is trying to teach me something but I wasn't exactly sure what that is. Well Ladies and Gentlemen, I now believe I have my answer.

A dear Christian mentor of mine and former high school Sunday school teacher of mine was delivering this message on Friday night. He mentioned right in the beginning that there are three things that the Enemy (Satan) will use to get you: Passions, Possessions, and Positions. BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks and so many light bulbs went off in my head that it would have looked like Times Square. That was my missing piece. He went on to say that 1 Peter 5:8 says that "Satan is prowling like a lion".

Somewhere in my life within the past 2-3 years my walk with Christ began to wind down a crooked path. A path where my house, my clothes, my accolades, my school work, dating, the burdens of family problems, work, and everything in between became my God. My passions, possessions, and positions had overtaken my heart. Satan had been prowling around me like the lion, only he didn't devour me all at once but a little bit at a time. You see, I poured my heart and soul into everything except my relationship with Christ. Yes I was still a Christian and went to church and tried to live my life as a Christian should, but I only truly fit God in where is was convenient. I had distorted what the sermon the next evening would focus on, which was God's truth. I had made my own truth and made it to fit my plans and what I thought was good and right for me.

It all makes sense now. I believe that this season in my life is to break me from this life I have been living. You see, I have been living in a life of sin and didn't even realize it. My whole heart was not surrendered to God but to all of these other things and now that they have been all taken from me, I was left feeling empty because I had poured my whole heart into all these other things instead of my relationship with Christ. I know, deep right?

I am still sorting out some of this and making sense of what it all means and what's next. I know that I absolutely have to change my lifestyle and my walk.

To be continued...

22 Going on 83

Well only one more week left of being 22 and I can honestly say I will glad to say "Peace Out 22". I spent a lot of time this evening reflecting about everything that has happened since my last birthday. If you know me well, you know that I am not a very emotional person and let me tell you, this got me. Like I have mentioned before, I still have a hard time comprehending everything that has happened in the last 9 months, let alone a year!

Let's see here if I can recap everything that has happened since my last birthday:

-Had a fairly major sinus surgery a week before my birthday last year and a very difficult recovery and wasn't cleared until December.

-Started seeing a counselor for the first time.

-Held the position of VP II-New Member Educator for Zeta.

-Finished my college degree/graduated.

-Wrote and defended my honors thesis.

-Experienced a major break up that ended up going back and forth for six months after the initial breakup.

-Have been on five different anti-depressants and two sleep medications.

-Watched my family fall apart with my parents' divorce and ailing grandparents.

-Worked over 40 hours a week with two jobs for about 4 months.

-Got laid off from one of those jobs.

-Put over $1000 into car repairs.

-Decided to move home after being on my own for 4 years.

-Gained about 20 pounds.

-Had Mono.

I feel like this only scratches the surface of everything I have experienced over the past year, thus the title of this post. I don't feel like I am about to turn 23. I feel like I am about to turn 83. My therapist this week even posed that the thought that my life would probably never be as difficult again as it has been in the past year. Oh and did I mention that I was essentially financially supporting myself through this whole process? I feel old. I feel tired. I feel empty. I want to be taken care of for once instead of me having to take care of everything and everyone else.

I know God works in supernatural ways we can't understand. I know that this is a just a season. I know that it is preparing me for something great. I know these things but I feel weathered. I think that word truly sums it up. I think of an old leather shoe or bag, worn out, dried up, maybe has some tattered edges, and is faded.

 This is my new struggle. I have my faith in a good place but how am I to find that "renewing of the spirit" and let my cup overflow? I deeply desire to be serving others, maintain a positive attitude/outlook, be more involved in my church, be a better friend, daughter, sister , etc. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them. I want to be made whole again.

I have to confess, I actually removed my birthday from facebook a few days ago because I didn't want people to remember it was my birthday. I didn't want people wishing me well and happiness because I know my life isn't in a good place right now. I felt like with every "Happy Birthday" and well wish given to me, it was going to be one more reminder of where my life is right now and that I am not happy or doing well. I know that is a sad sad sad mindset but it just exemplifies how truly weathered I feel. I put it back up by the way, although I still have some crazy mixed emotions about this upcoming birthday (that'll be a post for another day).

I have been praying a lot lately about this particular new struggle I am experiencing. I am praying that God will make me whole again and to give me a positive mindset and outlook on life. I know this will all end at some point, it is just surviving the storm right now.

As always, please continue to pray for me and my family. God is moving in a very wonderful way, so I should have a more positive post with good news next time I post :) .

Until next time, blessings to you all!

My Birthday Wish List:

My Birthday Wish List:

• For my Dad to finish moving all his things out of the house and get settled in his condo.
• My Dad and I to establish a relationship again.
• My mom to be happy and not stressed.
• My sister to be happy.
• A full time job.
• To find tennents for my house.
• To have all the cleaning, painting, repairs etc. finished in my house.
• To lose the extra weight I have gained.
• A certain someone to be part of my life again.
• A vacation to the beach
• To walk closely to God again and find meaning in all these trials.
• To be able to wake up and say "Life is Good" just because it is.

Giving Thanks in the Smallest of Things

Well I figured it is about time for me to update since it has been a good few days. I am so beyond thrilled to see that my audience is growing! I am not sure what God has planned in for me in writing this blog but I know that he is working through it in some shape or form.

The biggest update I have is that I have made the difficult decision to move home. The goal is to be out by August 31st. I know that seems like a while a way but there is a growing list of things that have to be done around the house in order to get it rented, plus I still need to find tenants. I feel oddly at peace about the decision. It is only temporary but I feel like it is where I am supposed to be. Lately I have been struggling in a way in which I have never struggled before. I have wanted to "stick my head in the sand" and just pretend that everything that is happening in my life isn't. There is a fine line to walk when you are experiencing hard times, that is walking the line of knowing that everything is going to be OK versus pretending your present life situations don't exist. I still can't believe all these different things have happened in less than a year, it still blows my mind, feels like it has been going on for years.

Besides moving, life has been pretty settle surprisingly. I have found myself with time on my hands which is quite the oddity for me. I have still been really tired and sleeping a lot as well. I have been having a variety of medical tests done to make sure I do not have any other problems affecting my mood. I had a stress test done for my heart and that all came back good, which was good news. I had a sleep study done, which was quite an interesting experience to say the least. I haven't received the results from that yet, but I will have them next week thankfully. I am very anxious to get the results.

I went to see my psychiatrist today. I have been frustrated with the most recent medication I have been on because it has caused a significant amount of weight gain. Looking at me you probably can't tell, but a lot of my clothes are uncomfortable and do not fit properly. Well with that being said, he took me off that one and now I am on medication #5 and increasing my sleeping medication. If you have never suffered from anxiety and/or depression let me tell you, finding the right medication is one of the most frustrating things in the entire world. It is a miserable feeling, to feel like you aren't in control of your emotions and yourself. It is so frustrating to feel happy one minute and then so down the next when nothing has changed. I have officially been taking medicine for over a year now. I asked my doctor today if was normal to have to have tried so many different medications in such a long time period and he said it is all about trial and error. I also again have to be reminded that I have had  A LOT happen to me in a short 9 months.

I hope and pray more than anything that this latest adjustment on my medication will help me to stabilize. It is hard to move forward with coping with everything else when I do not even feel stable in my own body and mind. It is such a wretched illness. I do not wish it upon anyone. It is like someone has a remote control to my brain and just is constantly playing with the channels, volume, contrast, brightness, etc. and I am just the machine, subject to whatever the remote control tells me to do. What I would give to wake up one day and just be happy and joyful just because...Seriously I never knew how precious some things in life really are.

I am still struggling to see what God is teaching me through this whole season in my life and also what he is doing to work through me right now. I will confess, I am tired, my faith feels dry and God feels distant. I know that I haven't been doing my part to feel close to him. I still love God more than anything in this world but I guess because I have always given 110% to everything else in my life I feel like this aspect should be easy--that's the wrong mindset though. No one ever said being a Christian would be easy. I should be giving my all, 125 % to my walk with Christ and not just the leftovers...hmmm I may have just counseled through this whole predicament I am in.

Right now I am just tired and empty, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I wish more than anything in this world a chauffeur would show up at my door and say "I am here to take you on a private jet to the beach". I feel like a need time and space away from everything and everyone to clear my heart and my head and get totally refocused. I know that this isn't going to happen any time soon though so I will have to do my best to do those things here. God wants me here where I am for a reason and he is with me no matter where I am, he is just waiting for me to reach out to him.



Thank you Jesus!

Just call me Job

Hello Readers! I am so thrilled I actually say that now!!!! I hope you all have been surviving this wretched heat and finding a way to enjoy the summer!

This week has been a very busy and intense one for me. I had a variety of medical appointments (as is becoming very typical) as well as other things to do and people to see. I have very much enjoyed a quiet and stress free weekend spent mostly at home resting, still haven't totally defeated the the mono.

This week I have delved deeply into the book of Job. I knew a little bit about this story but had never studied it deeply. As of right now I am only about half way through the whole book but it is very intriguing to say the least. God allows everything to be taken from Job because he knows that Job will maintain his faith despite losing everything. What it is interesting to me about this story is that Job is not happy about his situation in the beginning. He doesn't curse God, but he whines and complains and "walllows in his sorrows". One thing that touched me the most about this story is that some of his friends come to visit Job while he is ill and encourage him and lift him up. I was touched by this because God still works the same way today; he especially has used my friends during this season of my life to be there for me and lift me up in my times of hardship right now. I am looking forward to seeing how else God uses Job's friends!

I relate to this story because I feel like I have almost everything taken from me. In accordance with studying this story, I had yet another things taken from me this week. I had to make the very tough decision to give up my MTSU job. At one time I was given the hope that I may be able to keep the job without having to move into the Greek Row facility but that did not work out. I am now facing the real possibility of having to move home now. It still is slowly sinking in but I have found peace in the choice that I made.

Though I haven't finished the story of Job yet to see what he learns from his brokenness, I am slowly but surely starting to see what I believe God is teaching me through my brokenness. One of things I know for sure he is teaching me is 100% complete and total trust in him. I am a very stubborn person so I think it is taking extra brokenness to try and get this through to me. I used to have such an incredible trust in God and that was unquenchable. I think somewhere along the way during college I began to become more reliant on my own accomplishments, finances, and earthly possessions. I somehow let these things define me and bring me happiness and peace. While I am not a wealthy person by any means, I have laid up my treasures in my earthly things rather than in heaven and in my relationship with Christ. As a result, I have learned to put all my trust in my "things" and my finances rather than seeking Christ first in everything. I do love Christ more than anything in this world, but if I don't give him my full heart, even if holding back the smallest part, I am not trusting him fully.

I know I have a long way to go on this Journey and there is still a lot of healing but I know that I have to learn to give back to God my whole entire heart. I know that there are parts that I have hidden from God that are damaged, broken, and feel to me irreparable. I know that my Savior is the great physician and capable of bringing me the healing I am seeking if I just let him have those parts of my heart.

I think that is about all I have for this evening. I am very tired from an intense workout followed by some ridiculous lawn mowing. Thank you for all your prayers, love, and support.